


A Married Man

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-10
Updated: 2005-11-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:54:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: After having been lovers in their youth, Brian and Justin have been apart for 20 years. But that's about to change...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Story notes: Brian and Justin are almost the same age. Brian is forty now, and Justin is about two years his junior.   
Dedication: to all those who were disappointed that “On the Run” and “Everything To Lose” disappeared. I am truly sorry for that, believe me. Hope this one will be a good replacement.

 

Author’s note: This story is an AU. This means I have taken several liberties with the QaF-canon of seasons 1-3 as we know it. I’ve only used parts of it and changed other completely. What exactly that means, you’ll realize as the story moves on. Don’t be confused if parts of this don’t fit into canon – it’s deliberate.

* * *

Everyone in Pittsburgh knew Brian Kinney, knew that he still drove like a rebellious eighteen-year-old, drank like a bottomless hole, and whored with the best of them. They openly talked about the string of tricks that came and went. Brian owned a Jeep for fun, and a black Stingray for – well, also for fun. He was rarely seen driving any of them without an open bottle of Beam in his hand, more often than not with one arm around some well toned, well muscled Adonis, his left hand dangling limply over the steering wheel and a burning cigarette clamped between his luscious lips. 

He would surely kill himself one day, people whispered, would probably drive one of his fancy cars against a tree, leaving nothing but a well preserved corpse. 

It was a sunny afternoon in May, and Brian did his best to live up to the town’s expectations, except the Adonis on his side was missing. After the news he’d just heard, he had no time for some brainless fuck-toy because he had some serious thinking to do. 

He had barely been able to believe it when Cynthia his secretary, had stormed into his office and told him the latest news. She was currently dating the mayor’s new assistant and that way she was always well informed, which meant Brian was well informed as well, if he wanted it or not. Most of the time he hated gossip and that kind of stuff, especially when it was once again about him. But this time it was different. 

To be honest, the news had floored him. He had stared at Cynthia for so long that his secretary had finally snapped her fingers in front of his eyes and he still hadn’t blinked. As a successful business man Brian was used to news of all kinds and nothing usually rattled him, but this was different. 

Because it was about *him*. 

Justin. He still remembered the name, the face … the eyes. 

Justin.

Justin Taylor. 

Justin Taylor who was a widower now. 

He took the last swig form his bottle, then tossed it on the back seat, and straightened. He had no idea if he could go through with what he was planning to do, but he knew he had to try. For his own peace of mind he had to. His cell phone rang and with an impatient frown he flipped it open.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me.”

“Mikey. What do you want?”

“Geez … chill, will you. I’m your best friend, remember?” 

“I know who you are,” Brian snapped. He was so not in the mood to talk to Michael, to listen to his trite problems. “What’s the matter. Boyfriend left you again?”

“Jesus – what crawled up your ass? And for your information, nothing happened, or do I always need a reason to call my best friend?”

“Whatever. Mikey, this is a bad time. I’m busy.”

“Fucking some guy?”

Christ, Brian thought silently. This was slowly getting out of hand. Most of the time he was grateful for Michael’s unwavering support, but lately it was a little too much. “None of your business. How is Ted?”

“Ted is fine.”

“Not dropped dead?” Brian knew it was a rotten joke, but the sooner he could get rid of Mikey and back to his own thoughts the better. 

“Fuck you, Brian. Obviously I can’t talk to you today. Call you later.”

Brian sighed when the call was disconnected, and for a moment he felt almost bad for being such an asshole, but not for long. It wasn’t his fault that Michael was living with the king of boredom, Ted Schmidt. He wondered what their love life was like and almost gagged, quickly shutting out the images that rose before his inner eyes. 

Again his cell phone rang. 

“Kinney?” he barked.

“Jeez – why don’t you just kill me.”

“Gus!” Brian felt delight flooding his body, and he relaxed instantly. “Hey.”

“Hey, Dad. How are you?”

“Great.” He was feeling like shit actually, but there was no reason to admit it. One thing Brian hated more than anything was pity. And pity was what you got in situations like this. And although Gus knew how much his father hated being pitied, Brian knew that even his son wasn’t beyond it when this special subject came up. Which, thank God, didn’t very often. But with the course of events, it was most likely that was about to change.

“You’re not.”

“Gus-“

“Don’t even try it, Dad. I just called Cynthia and she told me the news. How are you holding up?” Yep, there it was already. Brian easily detected the trace of pity in Gus’ voice – under layers of offspring-ly concern.

He laughed, even though he knew that his son wasn’t going to buy the act, “I’ll live.” There were advantages in having an eighteen year old son, but sometimes it felt as if Gus could see right through him. Maybe because they were so much alike – at least that was Lindsay’s theory.

“I never doubted that,” Gus told him. There was a pause. Then, “What are you going to do?”

Do? Christ! Why did everyone expect him to do something? Cynthia had asked the same, and he was going to hear the question time and again during the next few days – it was as certain as death. “Nothing,” he said, inwardly cursing the traffic light for changing to red. 

“Oh, come on.” Was there a scoff in Gus’ voice? The kid was starting to get cocky with his old man. “I know you, Dad. This is Justin Taylor we’re talking about.”

When you weren’t sure what to do, you play dumb. It was something Brian had learned early in his life, and he’d never forgotten about it. “So?”

“So?” Disbelief dripped through the phone. “Is this going to be one of those conversations where you deny that Justin means anything to you? Or are you just playing dumb? Because, I’m not buying it. I’m Gus, remember, your son. I have 50% of your genes.”

“And of course you’re assuming that the fact that I was in part responsible for your existence entitles you to any kind of insight into my soul?” If you start to play dumb, never stray from your way.

“Insight?” This time Gus snorted openly. “I know you, Dad, in and out.”

Brian severely doubted that, but he didn’t say it. Let others believe they knew him. He was going to live a lot easier that way. Plus, there were worse things than your son knowing you inside out. “Okay,” he admitted after considering his options. “Yes, it threw me. But as I said, I’ll live.”

A heavy sigh came through the line. “I should have known it. I told Mom it was no use trying to get anything out of you.”

Now, wasn’t that just fucking great? Linds already knew about Justin. Brian barely suppressed a groan. “How’s college?”

Gus laughed softly, and Brian had to smile. You could say a lot about his son, but the boy was smart. He knew when to butt out. “Great. You know I’ve been getting nothing but straight A’s. And being a freshman is … interesting.”

Yes, his son was a real achiever. Just like good old dad. Maybe there really was something about those 50% of genes. “Are you going to be at Debbie’s next Sunday?”

“Sure. I’m in town,” Gus replied, as if it explained everything.

And it did. They all had a standing invitation each first Sunday of the month at Debbie Novotny’s house. She was strongly pushing sixty now, but her eyes still sparkled as they always had. Her brother, Vic, was living with her now, having returned to Pittsburgh a few years ago, sick and almost dying from AIDS, but thanks to Debbie and modern medicine he was a lot better, and if the doctors were right, he was going to have some more good years to look forward to.

“She said there was something she had to tell us,” Gus went on. “Some kind of surprise. At least that’s what Mother said.”

“Since when did Mel start being Debbie’s confidante?” 

“Stop doing that.”

Brian sighed. “Gus-“

“No. I’m not getting in the middle of this. If you have trouble with Mother, leave me out of it.” Gus’ voice was firm and didn’t leave any room for arguments. 

Brian sighed again. His son was right. Whatever problems Brian and Mel had with each other, they weren’t Gus’. It was bad enough that he sometimes stood right between them. Gus loved Brian, and he loved Mel and the kid hated when two people he loved went against each other. Not that it happened all that often these days. With Gus grown up there was less and less need for his father to come to the home of his mothers which made living with each other a lot easier. What Gus didn’t know, and never would if Brian had a say in it, was Mel’s involvement in his break-up with Justin. It was something Brian could never forget – and probably never forgive. Not even Linds knew all the details, or – Brian was sure – her relationship with Mel would’ve been over a long time ago.

“Alright. Listen, Gus, I’m on my way to … meet someone. Can we talk another time?”

“Sure,” his son replied. “Just take care of yourself, and remember, I’m here if you need me.”

The warm feeling was back with a vengeance. “Thanks. See you on Sunday.”

“Bye, Dad.”

“Bye, Gus.”

The traffic light changed to green and Brian tossed the cell phone on the seat beside him, reaching for a smoke instead. He felt strangely drained after the conversation with his son. Why, he wasn’t quite sure. Maybe because it had driven home the knowledge what the coming days were going to be. Gus was relatively easy to handle. But Linds could be persistent. And Debbie. Jesus Christ, Debbie was nothing short of a fucking Pitbull. 

He didn’t even want to start thinking of Mikey. 

For years Brian had avoided talking to his best friend about Justin. Not because Mikey wasn’t supportive. No, the problem was Michael was a little too supportive sometimes. And even after all that had happened, Brian wasn’t ready to listen to Mikey turning Justin into the devil incarnate. So he had successfully avoided the subject by cutting off even the slightest hint of it. But his luck had run out today. He could already hear it, and it made Brian sick to the core of his being. 

And not just from his friends – or what went as his friends these days – he was going to get it. No, it was going to be the talk of Liberty Avenue, that much he was certain of. Every fucking queer was going to whisper behind his back, even those who hadn’t been there to watch the drama unfold all those years ago. And as much as Brian hated to admit it – there weren’t a lot left anymore. He had a hard time to accept it, but he was forty years old, and that meant that most of the guys that had been around twenty years ago, had long stopped coming to Liberty Avenue. Most of them were living normal lives – or what went for normal these days. Having partners, having apartments or lofts or condos. Like Ted and Mikey – Christ!

Maybe it wasn’t so bad to be unattached and single after all. 

When the next light turned red just as he approached it, Brian sighed and closed his eyes as his car came to a stop. Maybe he was going to have some time to think at the house. After all, nobody even knew it existed. It was his very own secret – and it was going to stay that way if he had anything to say about it.

*****

Rubbing his throbbing temples, his elbows propped up on his desk, Justin Taylor closed his eyes and wished for everything to go back to normal. But of course the wish was moot as nothing was going to turn back to normal. Life went on wether you liked it or not, and dead people stayed dead. At least they did in real life. And in real life, you didn’t miraculously wake up and your life rocked back into its axis. No, when he opened his eyes – in a minute or two – things were going to be as fucked up as they had been when he had closed them. 

“Daddy?”

Or maybe it didn’t need a minute. Justin sighed and looked at the girl standing in the doorway of his office, gazing at him steadily with his own blue eyes. “Yes, honey?”

“Are you okay, Daddy?”

“I’m fine,” he assured her quickly and opened his arms. With only minimal hesitation she went into them, which was all the proof he needed to know that, truly, their life was totally fucked. At twelve, Holly was just entering into the worst of puberty and embracing her father would, under normal circumstances, have been a reason for mortal embarrassment. Not anymore, though. Instead, she clung to him, and he could feel the tremors running through her body. “It’s okay, honey. Everything’s going to be alright.”

She pulled back without warning, her eyes blazing, “How can you say that?” Her lower lips quivered, “Nothing’s going to be alright. Mom is dead. And she’s not going to come back. What are we going to do?”

“Live,” he told her simply, knowing that there was no way he could lie to this far too smart kid. “Move on. Make the best of our life we can. She would’ve wanted us to.”

“Don’t you miss her at all?” Holly demanded, frowning darkly at him.

Justin felt the sudden stab of pain, but kept himself as steady as possible. His daughter was hurting right now and her lashing out had nothing to do with rational anger at her father, and all with a pain she had no way of dealing with. “I miss her all the time,” he told her quietly, holding her angry gaze. “But you know that your mother’s death was no surprise. She was ill for a long time. We talked a lot these past months, and maybe that helped a little.”

“How could she just go and leave?” Holly demanded, anger still alive and strong. 

“Oh, honey.” He wanted to pull her close again, but kept himself from reaching out. Now was not the time for comfort. “You know she would’ve stayed if she could. And she fought for years. But sometimes wanting to stay isn’t enough. Sometimes we just can’t win.”

He was shocked at how calm he sounded. Not at all like the almost crazed man he’d been when the doctor had told them that Daphne was going to lose her fight with cancer. For weeks he’d been inconsolable. He’d tried every source, had called in every favour anyone owned him, but of course even Justin Taylor, successful business man, was not above nature. And even though he and Daphne hadn’t lived as husband and wife for years, and maybe never really had, she was still his best friend, and the one person who’d always understood – and never judged. Losing her was like losing a part of himself. 

Holly looked at him with tear filled eyes and slowly nodded. “Grandpa and Grandma are downstairs,” she told him. “And he and Jimmy are fighting again. That’s why I came to get you.”

“Oh no.” He sighed loudly, and wondered if there would ever come a time when his father and his son weren’t going to be at each other’s throats. Not likely, he decided, and inwardly admired Jimmy’s courage. If Justin had been more like his son … But no, those thoughts were moot. They led to nothing but heartache and regret over lost opportunities, and a life that could’ve been so very different. Maybe not better, but certainly more honest than the lie he’d lived these past twenty years. 

Seeing his daughter looking down at him, he rubbed his forehead, his fingertips gliding over an almost faded scar right beneath his hairline. “What is it this time?”

Holly shrugged, “How should I know? But you should come down, I think.”

“Well, then,” Justin offered his daughter a smile, “let’s go downstairs and hope that we’ll find more than just two corpses.”

The girl giggled, acting her age for the first time since she’d entered the office. “Daddy!”

He ruffled her dark hair, so much like her mother’s and together they descended the stairs. They were half way through the hall when they heard loud voices, even though they couldn’t understand the words through the closed doors. 

With a sigh, Justin opened the door to the family room and saw Jimmy standing near the window, his eyes blazing fire, his chin raised defiantly, while Justin’s father was sitting next to his wife, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his eyes narrowed and angry. Jennifer’s eyes were wide and misty, one hand pressed on her lips. Justin knew his mother hated fights within the family and right now, she hated them even more. Jennifer had loved Daphne with all her heart and probably missed her almost as much as Justin did. 

“I’m not going to listen to this nonsense,” Justin heard his father growl. Craig became aware of Justin’s presence, and frowned at his son. “You talk to him,” he ordered as if Justin was still a teenager who had to listen to all his father said. 

“Talk about what?” Justin asked, looking at his son. 

“Nothing,” Jimmy replied, his dark eyes defiant. “I just informed Grandfather that I’m going to take a break from college this summer to go to Europe.” 

It was the first Justin had heard of it, but apart from the surprise he felt that his son hadn’t informed him, and decided on his own, he didn’t think it was such a bad idea. Going to Europe for a certain length of time had been a dream of his in his youth. He’d wanted to see all those grand places, had dreamt of painting and sketching … 

But now was not the time to dwell on the past. “So?” His gaze lingered on his son for a moment longer, then went to his father. 

Craig stood, then started to pace the length of the living room with agitated steps. “I should’ve known you’d react that way. You’ve been just like him. Irresponsible, immature … and this unfortunate sexual-“

“Craig!” Jennifer interrupted her husband, her gaze darting to Holly and back. “Don’t.”

Justin’s voice was cold as his soul. “What,” he said slowly, “are you talking about?” 

“I’m talking about the fact that you did nothing to prevent your son slipping into your own pattern,” Craig hissed. “And now he’s going to Europe with another man.”

Justin almost felt like laughing, not because he was amused, although amusement was certainly present, but because the whole situation was so ridiculous. “Jimmy is gay. We all know that,” he said calmly, looking at his daughter who grinned up at him. “And Holly knows it, too.”

“I’m not a baby. I know what gay means,” the girl piped up. 

“I can’t believe this,” Craig turned and stared at his son. “I thought you had more sense than that. After what happened when you were his age, I thought you knew better.”

“What is he talking about, Dad?” Jimmy stared at Justin, clearly bewildered. 

Justin closed his eyes for a moment and rubbed the bridge of his nose, his head pounding like a jackhammer. “Holly,” he looked at his daughter. “Why don’t you and Grandma go and make us something to drink?” He sent a pleading look to his mother who understood instantly and rose from the sofa.

“That’s a great idea. I’d like a cup of coffee and I’m sure the others would, too.” She held out her hand to Holly, who rolled her eyes but turned towards the door nevertheless. 

“I always have to leave when things get interesting,” she complained, her lower lip sticking out in a pout. 

“I love you, too, honey,” Justin told her and grinned at her dramatic sigh. As soon as the two female members of his family were gone, he turned to the men. “Alight,” he said, locking eyes with his son. “Maybe it’s way past time that you heard the truth. Jimmy, this might come as a shock to you, but like you I’m gay.”

He heard Craig’s sharp indrawn breath, but ignored it. Instead he watched the emotions flickering over his son’s face. Disbelief. Shock. And suddenly a slow smile spread across the younger Taylor’s face. “Actually,” he said, almost grinning now. “It explains a lot.”

*****

Debbie Novotny wasn’t a woman easily scared. She’d gotten pregnant her last year in high-school, and it was just her luck that the father of her son turned out to be a gay entertainer, had raised her son all on her own – and not too badly if she might say so -, had taken care of her brother who’d come home sick and wasted a few years ago, and was still working double shifts at the diner. All in all it had been a good, but hard life, and it had made her the woman she was today. Strong, independent and content in her own skin most of the time. She wasn’t even scared of turning sixty, a date most women dreaded with a vengeance. 

But when she got off the phone with Lindsay Peterson, one of her oldest and dearest friends, her knees felt like rubber and she had to sit down, or she might have landed on her butt. Taking a deep breath, and another, to calm her quivering nerves, she risked a glance at her son, who was sitting comfortably in a booth at the diner, holding hands with his life-partner, Ted. They were exchanging loving looks, whispering, like the newlyweds they were. Of course they were not really married, even after years of gay rights movement the United fucking States of America still hadn’t legalised gay marriage, but they were committed to each other, had even put it into writing with the help of their lesbian friend, and mother of Michael’s son, Melanie Marcus. 

To Debbie’s eyes seeing them together was endearing, and it warmed her heart. The problem was, with the news she’d just gotten, she wasn’t sure how long it would last. 

For years she had watched Michael pining away after Brian Kinney, wishing for the impossible, waiting for Brian to wake up and smell the honey, or at least change his ways and realise that it was Michael he really wanted, not the steady string of fuck-buddies that came and went through his door. She’d almost given up on her son, when suddenly – and she still didn’t know how it had happened – Michael had fallen for Ted, who himself had been secretly in love with Michael for almost twenty years. 

“Are you okay?”

She looked up to find Vic gazing at her somberly. Her brother’s eyes held a world of knowledge and right now, they seemed to bore straight into her soul. “Daphne died,” was all she related, wiggling her toes, to relieve the ache in her feet. She didn’t even ask what her brother was doing at the diner in the middle of a day, her mind was much too preoccupied otherwise. 

“Jesus.” Vic sat down as well and his gaze wandered to Michael and Ted for a moment before settling back on his sister. She looked exhausted and right now much older than her fifty-nine years. “Does he know?”

Debbie shook her head, already dreading the upcoming conversation with Michael. “No. Linds just told me on the phone. She didn’t know the details, she knows this nurse from the GLC and somehow the name Taylor came up.”

“Did she know what happened?”

Debbie looked around, glad that the diner was almost empty and that there was no reason for her to get up. “No. Linds has no idea. And why should she? It isn’t as if Justin kept contact with us lower beings all these years. A card on Christmas was all we got.”

“Don’t be unfair,” Vic chided gently. “It can’t have been easy for the boy. I’m sure there is a lot more to the story than we know.”

“Sure.” Debbie snorted, making it perfectly clear that this was all bullshit to her. “Vic, you weren’t there for the drama. But I’m telling you, this boy broke Brian’s heart, something I’d never thought possible. Frankly, I was doubting Brian Kinney had such a thing in the first place.”

“Brian’s a good man,” Vic said, looking at her steadily. Debbie started to protest, but her brother didn’t let her. “He is a good man,” he repeated. “It’s one thing what he shows the world, and another what’s really going on. He’s been hurt badly, Deb. You don’t carry your heart on your sleeve when it was once trampled up, believe me.”

She gazed at him for a moment, wondering what was really behind the statement, then let it go. She had other things to worry about. More important things. Like the man in the booth behind her, forty years old, and still her baby. Maybe it was wrong to think that way, or to still hover over him like a mother hen, but Deb just couldn’t help herself. Whenever she set eyes on Michael, her heart flooded with love and all she could think of was protecting him any way she could. 

The problem was, this time she might not be able to.  
*****

“JUSTIN,” Craig roared, sending his son a deadly glare. “Are you completely out of your mind?”

His blond son simply shrugged, “It’s the truth, so why deny it? Daphne knew it, too. In fact, she knew it long before any of you did.”

“But …” Jimmy looked at his father in confusion, “why were you married to Mom?”

“Well, how are you going to explain that one, huh?” Craig taunted, shaking his head. It had to be the grief, he decided. The grief had Justin finally driven insane. 

“It’s a long story, Jimmy,” Justin said slowly, taking a step closer to his son, who, to Craig’s utter surprise, didn’t seem angry at all. But the kid was queer, or at least he thought he was. Maybe that explained it. 

Craig watched as Jimmy smiled slightly, “It’s not as if I have anything else to do.”

Justin returned the smile. “First of all, you have to know that I loved your mother.” Craig snorted, but damn if his son didn’t simply ignore him. “I loved her very much. She was the best friend I ever had, the only, if I’m honest. And she was the only woman I ever …,” he grinned and Craig saw Jimmy wrinkle his nose. “Well, you know,” Justin continued. 

“TMI, Dad,” Jimmy said, shuddering delicately. Delicately. There was no other word for it, and Craig felt disgusted to the bone. It had to be a curse. Yes. Or maybe a disease. Thank God he’d been spared. He was normal at least. 

“When your mother was just eighteen, she wanted … well, she was a little afraid of her first time, so she asked me if … I could be her first. And because I loved her, I said yes.”

“And you … I mean, you could … you know?” Jimmy was beet red, and Craig felt his own color rise, but for an entirely different reason.

“I’m not going to listen to this anymore,” he declared, glaring at his son and grand-son. “Justin, your wife is dead. You should show a little decorum.”

“Decorum?” Jimmy’s expression was almost comical. “What kind of word is that?”

Craig saw his son sigh, “Your grandfather always had a problem with my being gay. Anyway … We used a condom but it broke. At least that’s what must have happened because three months later Daphne turned up pregnant.” He shook his head and walked to the other window, his gaze on the front lawn. Justin really was a good looking man who would have no problem finding another wife. But Craig already had the nagging suspicion that there would be none. Justin had always been stubborn and he doubted that he’d be so careless to get another girl pregnant.

Craig didn’t know how often he had thanked God for the broken condom. But he also knew that he probably wouldn’t be so lucky again. For one, Justin was almost forty years now, and not as easily manipulated as it had been twenty years ago. And Daphne was dead. And if Craig was sure of one thing, then it was that it had been the fact that Daphne was the girl involved. The only girl Justin had ever loved. The only girl he would probably ever love. Damn.

“Me.” The word was a statement, not a question. And it was barely a whisper. Jimmy was pale. “You married her because of me.”

“NO!” Justin’s reaction was sharp and firm. “Not because of you. It’s not your fault, Jimmy.” His voice turned fierce, urging his son to understand. “We married because we were responsible. And because we loved you. Maybe it was a mistake, but I haven’t regretted it. Because I love you more than anything.”

“But-“

“No buts,” Justin cut Jimmy off. “We created you, and we always loved you.”

“So you got married.” Jimmy looked at his father speculatively, “What then? You lived a lie? You fucked around with men behind her back – what?”

Craig snickered inwardly. Nice move, kid. 

Justin took a deep breath, “No.” He shook his head. “Daphne and I … we found an arrangement. We never slept together again. And we were allowed to have discreet affairs. The only rule was that you kids would never find out.” He held up a hand when he saw his son was about to protest, “I know. From today’s point of view it was stupid. We shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But we were young and,” he paused and shot Craig a glare, “our parents convinced us that it was the only possible decision we could make. Blame it on the shock I had or my stupidity, but I didn’t put up much of a fight. Neither did Daph. Well, she was pregnant – that’s the best excuse I can come up with.”

“So you, what, lived this lie. What about Holly?”

Justin turned away from the window and Craig saw the strain on his son’s face. He should feel sorry for him, he thought, but oddly he didn’t. He felt … nothing. 

“When the doctors told your mother that she had to have surgery very soon, she decided she wanted a second child. We used artificial insemination. When Holly was born, Daphne had a cesarean and they also removed her uterus at the same time.”

“You … you … used AI?” Craig was stunned and shocked. “You were her husband!”

“So?” One of Justin’s pale brows rose. “I’m gay, Dad. You know it. I know it. And even though you knew it, you and Daph’s parents forced us into this marriage. We were caught in it. And I hurt the only person I ever –“ He stopped, his face even paler than usual. “Anyway. Maybe we should’ve ended this façade a long time ago, but somehow.” He shrugged, “She was my best friend. And we were comfortable. It’s not as if I can get the past back, is it. Dad?”

“Don’t make this my fault. I saved you from a fate worse than death,” Craig yelled. “I can’t believe you’re still hung up on that … that whore!”

“Whore?” Confused, Jimmy stared at his father.

But Justin was far too enraged to notice him. “Don’t you dare call him a whore. I loved him! And he loved me. I hurt him badly when I decided to marry Daphne. You didn’t see his eyes, Dad. I broke his heart.”

“He never had one in the first place,” Craig shot back, knowing that he was right. Kinney was a bastard. A cheap whore who never gave a fuck about another person. Just see what kind of man he’d become. Thank God he’d saved Justin from that. Daphne might have been black, but she had been a good girl. And she’d given him two grand-children. 

“Shut up!” This time Justin’s voice left no room for discussion. But he instantly caught himself and gave his son an apologetic smile. “As you can see, this is still a sore subject.”

“Whore?” Jimmy asked again. “What whore?”

“He was no whore,” Justin told his son. “Brian was …,” a smile crept up his face. A smile Craig wanted to wipe away. He felt disgusted. “He was experienced. But he … was very loving. We were happy. Very happy.” He looked at Craig, daring him to disagree. “I … ended it with him. And he-“ His voice failed him and he took a shuddering breath. “Anyway. It’s been years. We haven’t spoken ever since.”

“Thank God,” Craig breathed. “I never want to hear the name Kinney again!”

“Kinney?” Jimmy seemed shocked. “Brian Kinney?”

And Craig felt the hairs in his nape raise. “Do you know him? Stay away from that freak, do you understand me!”

“No,” slowly the boy shook his head. “I don’t know him. But I’ve sure heard of him.”

“Did you hear me,” Craig warned again. “You stay away from Kinney!”

“Stop ordering my son around. It’s none of your business whom he meets and whom he doesn’t,” Justin snapped. He swallowed, hard. “You … heard about Brian?”

“Yeah.” Jimmy ran a hand through his hair. “You remember me telling you about the trip to Europe?”

“Yes?” Justin seemed a little confused. 

“The guy who’s coming with me. He … uh … he’s Kinney’s son.”

*****

“Mr. Petterson-Marcus, will you please pay attention?”

Gus sighed and met the glare of Mrs. Halliday, his art teacher, with a steady gaze, revealing nothing of the inner turmoil that plagued him ever since his mother had told him about the death of Justin Taylor’s wife, and the short phone-call with his father. 

Tracy from the row in front of him turned and snickered quietly when Mrs. Halliday turned her attention back on the painting they’d been discussing for the past twenty minutes. It was the ‘Mona Lisa’ and even though Gus could see the genius of its creator, he just couldn’t find it in him to admire it properly. 

Brian Kinney was the toughest man he knew, and he was a master at hiding his feelings, but Gus had heard the pain and the faint trace of hope, his father had tried to suppress. Even after 20 years he was still hung up on that guy. Justin Taylor, the man who’d broken Brian’s heart, who’d turned his back on   
Gus’ father, then had cut all ties to Liberty Avenue and its inhabitants and had lived the life of a happily married business man.

Liar.

It was the first word that came to Gus’ mind and it stuck. When he thought of Justin Taylor he always imagined someone horrible, old, fat, disgusting, despite the fact that he’d seen more than one picture and knew the blond was far from ugly. If he was honest with himself, which pretty much never happened in this special case, he had to admit that Justin Taylor was even a little hot – for a guy close to his forties. For a moment he had to chuckle, thinking of the glare he’d receive from his father for a remark like that. Brian was touchy about his age, and now that he’d reached forty, it was worse than ever, despite the fact that every queer still seemed to think he was the hottest stud on Liberty Avenue. 

“Hey, daydreamer.”

He was jerked from his musings at a not so gentle elbow in his ribs, and sighed. “What?” he snapped, keeping his voice down. 

Beside him Ellie Arnold, a blond, blue-eyed tomboy, grinned, “Where did you go?”

“None of your business.” 

“Touchy, are we,” she replied good-naturedly, unperturbed by his rude behavior. Sometimes it seemed to Gus that nothing could shake Ellie. It was as if good mood was simply part of her character. She always wore a smile on her face and her eyes seemed to twinkle constantly. Her blond locks, cut short, framed a pixyish face where blue eyes were the most dominant feature. They were huge and their blue could change like the sea in storm. Her slightly upturned nose and her full, generous mouth completed the picture. 

Gus knew it was the artist in who noted these facts, not the man. He had discovered early that he was more interested in men than women, shocking his mothers and pleasing his father, who seemed to find endless delight in torturing Melanie with the fact that at least one member in their household was interested in cock. It was kind of a lonely position as his brother, Michael Jr. , was as straight as they came. 

He sighed when he thought of his brother, it was another sad chapter, but right now he had more urgent matters to think about. 

Like surviving Mrs. Halliday’s wrath. 

“Mr. Marcus.” He hated when she used just one part of his name. And she knew it. “Can you please repeat my last sentence.”

Coughing slightly, he was painfully aware of the flaming color spreading up his face. “Ah…,” he replied intelligently. 

Her perfectly shaped brows rose. She had to be around thirty, and with long, dark hair and blue eyes, and legs that went on forever, she was the wet dream of more than one of his co-students. Not his, though. For Gus, Ariana Halliday was more part of his ever recurring nightmares. “Yes, Mr. Marcus? You were about to say something?”

“Ah … actually,” he stammered, embarrassed once again by her sharp mind and equally sharp tongue. “That would be a no, Mrs. Halliday.”

She held his gaze for a moment that seemed endless, before she sighed and turned her attention back to the class. Gus sighed as well, and decided to keep his attention on art for the time being.

*****

The house was empty. He knew it before he stepped inside, knew that there would be nobody waiting for him, nobody smiling at him, that bright smile with teeth and shining eyes that still haunted his dreams. All that greeted him were a slightly stuffy smell and an almost eerie quietness, making him painfully aware of the loneliness this building stood for. 

Closing the door behind him, he leaned against it and closed his eyes, breathing deeply, hoping for something beside the stale air, but there was nothing. His mouth curved into a slightly sardonic smile before he pushed himself off of the door and, eyes open once again, went for the stairs, passing the light flooded living room, nobody had ever lived in, and the kitchen, perfectly furnished, yet never used, but gave them no second look. 

He took two stairs at a time and ignored the ache in his thighs when he reached the second floor, then turned right and headed for the wooden door at the end of the hallway. The virginal master bedroom was ignored, while long strides took him to his aim. His hand reached out and the door opened with a slight groan. 

Once inside he stopped, his eyes taking in the large windows, and nothing else. The room was empty – like the rest of the house, the rest of his life, the rest of his …

Brian sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with thumb and forefinger, feeling the familiar headache starting right in the middle of his forehead. It was just a sting, nothing dramatic, but he knew if he stayed in here it would grow into a migraine of epic proportions. And yet, he didn’t move. Felt as if he was rooted on the spot, unable to set one foot in front of the other. 

This would have been his. It was perfect. The light, the space, were made for an artist. And it had been empty for ten years. Had never been used at all. Like all the other rooms, like the furniture. 

Empty house. 

Empty dreams.

Empty life.

He chuckled at his own maudlin thoughts and stared at the huge top windows he’d let them built into the roof. He was mad. Certified, for sure. But he’d done it anyway. And he came here at least once a month just to look at it. He wasn’t even sure why. Maybe he’d developed a taste for masochism over the years, who knew. Maybe torturing himself or living through a full blown migraine was part of the kick he got out of it. Or maybe, he just wanted to remind himself that dreaming never led to anything. Neither did love. He’d been young, stupid and gullible once, but never again. He had learned his lesson.

Or hadn’t he?

Why was he here today? He’d been here just a few days before, had woken up the morning after with his head still pounding and his stomach still churning. Christ, he was a sorry case. It was just as well that he was here on his own, that no one else knew about this house, or he’d never live down their sarcasm. Brian Kinney, still pining away for the one man he couldn’t have, the one man part of him still wanted more than anything. 

Michael would never let it go if he knew. Even though his own life with Theodore was more than just a little pathetic, he’d get a kick out of this. 

Jesus!

Finally finding the strength to move, Brian turned and fled from the room, walked back down the hallway, getting a glimpse of the huge bed in the master bedroom, just like the one Justin had once painted, and quickly jerked his gaze away as if one glimpse more could hurt. 

He almost ran down the stairs, stopping at the bottom to take a cleansing breath, but his head was pounding already. 

Why had he come? 

To remind himself of his failure? Of the fruitlessness of his hopes? That nothing would ever come out of it? God, he was a fool. Did he really think this would work? 

But ever since hearing about Daphne’s death, the plan had taken root in his mind and wouldn’t let go. He wanted to bring Justin here, wanted him to see what … What? What he had missed? What he had thrown away twenty years ago? 

He almost laughed.

What had Justin thrown away? What had he missed? He’d been married to a nice girl, had two kids, who undoubtedly were as smart and beautiful as their father. He’d taken responsibility for his actions – and that was more Brian could say of himself. Yes, Gus was his son, but technically he was nothing more than the sperm-donor, and it had taken years for him to understand what it meant to be a father. 

No, he’d been no price, nothing Justin needed to regret. He’d been nothing but a cheap whore, a hustler who’d tried to earn money to escape his parents, who’d happened to fall in love with a kid from the better side of town, a blond, blue-eyed angel, with a smile that could light rooms and had lit even the darkest corners of Brian’s battered heart. And it was the same angel who’d left it broken in so many parts, Brian had never managed to put them all back together. 

“Fuck!” he shouted, but only silence answered him. 

Everything had been … shit. But it had been his shit. This pathetic, miserable life was his shit, and he’d worked hard to keep everything together. And now all seemed to fall apart. The way they had twenty years ago, the way he was now. 

Rubbing his forehead, and knowing it was of no consequence whatsoever, Brian left the house. He didn’t turn around, he didn’t look back. He slipped behind the wheel of his car, ignoring his thoughts the best he could, and floored the gas pedal.


	2. A Married Man

“Gus,” Mrs. Halliday called, when he tried to slip out of the room unnoticed. “Would you please stay a few minutes?”

She saw him sigh and raised her brows, making it perfectly clear that escape was no option. “Sure,” he said, as if she was inviting him to join her at a double execution. 

Ariana saw Ellie grinning at Gus before she left the room. Sighing silently to herself, Ariana looked at the boy, or rather young man, in front of her. Tall, dirty blond hair, good looking – almost pretty – and stubborn as a mule. She pulled the copy of a painting – the sunflowers by Rubens – from her bag and handed it to him. “Do you like it?” she asked.

Obviously confused by the question, no doubt he’d expected her to scold him for his behavior in class, he took it and gave her a questioning look. 

“Well?” She tilted her head, making it clear that she was expecting him to answer her. 

After a moment, he seemed to relax and shrugged, “Not really.” His eyes met hers and his mouth quirked into an almost irresistible grin, “My mom loves it. It think it’s boring.”

Remembering the blond, blue-eyed Lindsay Peterson, Ariana smiled, “Your mother is an art teacher, right?”

“Mom is an art-teacher,” Gus responded, emphasising ‘mom’. “Mother is a lawyer.” There was a challenge in his gaze, almost like a silent warning, and Ariana bit her lower lip. 

She pretended to look for something in her bag, while she spoke, “My notes say that you live with both your mothers and your younger brother.”

“So?” Now there was a challenge in his voice, too.

She shrugged noncommittally. “What about your father?”

There was a pause. Then, “What kind of shit is this? You already know that my father isn’t living with us, and that my parents were never married. Are you some kind of religious freak or something?”

She winced at the mere idea. “It’s just,” she said slowly, “that I never met your dad.”

“He’s around.” Defensive now. “And that’s none of your fucking business.”

“Of course not.” Ariana let her voice drop soothingly, before she met his eyes, “Gus, I just don’t understand why a young man of your talent would rather daydream than learn and become top of his class?” Okay, so that had been a little blunt, but she had a feeling the boy could take it. He was tough, probably had to be tough all his life. With lesbian mothers and a gay man for a father, growing up couldn’t have been easy. Yes, times weren’t as they had once been, but it was still a struggle to be different. 

His gaze flickered away, “It’s nothing personal. Just … a lot is going on right now.”

She sighed, “It’s really not my place to intrude on your privacy, Gus. But you’re such a smart man, it’d be a pity to waste your talent. Whatever problems you have, please don’t let them come between you and your education.”

He snorted at that, his face twisting into a strange sort of grin. It was sad somehow, but also mocking. “Is that all?” 

She sighed, loudly this time, and shook her head, “Yes. For now.” He nodded, turned and left the room, while she stared at the open, empty doorway and whished while becoming a teacher, she’d somehow managed to become a mind-reader as well.

*****

Brian had a son? 

Justin touched his forehead just above his old scar, and felt a smile creep up his lips. Brian had a son. A honest to God, living, breathing son. An eighteen year old, who – surprise, surprise – happened to be gay. Just like Jimmy. And now he and Jimmy were going to Europe together. 

A laugh escaped his mouth, even though he didn’t feel particularly happy. In all honesty, he had to admit, he wasn’t sure at all what he felt. 

Confusion. 

Yeah. Confusion was certainly involved. And Regret. For too many things to count. 

Not very often in the past 20 years he had himself allowed to think about Brian Kinney. Partly because it was just too painful to contemplate. It was a reminder of what he had lost and could never gain again. But also because it somehow felt wrong, as if permitting images of Brian to invade his mind was unfaithful to Daphne. It was ridiculous, of course. But Justin couldn’t help it.

“Dad?”

He looked up and found Jimmy standing in the doorway, now dressed in jeans and a white short sleeved shirt, his blond hair and fair skin a copy of his father’s. It seemed that his dark eyes were the only feature he’d gotten from his mother. 

“Yes?” Justin said, smiling at his first born child. 

“I … uh,” Jimmy shuffled his feet, before looking at his father again. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. You know, for letting the whole argument with grandfather get out of hand and pulling you-“

“Stop right there,” Justin interrupted him. “You didn’t pull me anywhere. Besides, it was past time I told you the truth. You’re almost twenty. You’re old enough to understand what happened.”

Jimmy nodded and took two cautious steps into the room before he stopped again, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I … think I do. I just, find it hard to digest. I mean,” he hastened on, “you’re my father, and I thought I knew you. And now I find out this whole big secret. Not that I blame you,” he quickly assured Justin. “Because I don’t. But,” he shrugged a little helplessly, “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel.”

“Supposed to?” Justin’s pale brow rose. “There is no ‘supposed to’, son. We just feel. I can understand if you’re angry.”

“I’m not.” The boy laughed, but it seemed shaky and forced. “It’s strange, but I really am not. I loved Mom, and I miss her. But I … Before she did, she said something very strange. Well, I thought it was strange, then. Now…” He trailed off and walked over to the window, to the very spot where he’d been standing before. 

“Now?” Justin probed. 

“She said that she loved you very much and that there was nothing about you she didn’t know.” He gave his father another fleeting smile and Justin felt his heart clench and found himself cursing Craig for his thoughtless words. “It’s just hard to believe that Mom would’ve wanted to live such a lie. She was the most honest person I knew.”

Not sure what to think of that, Justin stood from the sofa and slowly approached his son. “We were both so young,” he said. “Just eighteen, younger than you are now. Daphne was scared, and our parents …” He trailed off, not sure how much of what had happened twenty years ago he wanted to reveal to Jimmy. 

“So grandfather knew about you being gay.” It was a statement, not a question.

“I told him, yes,” Justin said, choosing his words. “But I wouldn’t say he knew. He denied it, tried his best to ignore the truth. Then Daphne turned up pregnant and he jumped on the opportunity.”

“And what about Kinney?” 

Justin felt as if he’d been sucker punched, which was odd, really, because he’d expected the question. Yet, talking about Brian was more than he felt ready to do. So far, Brian had been his, in his thoughts, and that way his alone, his very private memory, cherished. Talking about him meant – he wasn’t quite sure what it meant. But he knew that he wasn’t really ready. Yet, he also knew that there was no way around it. After all that had happened in the past few hours, he owed it his son. 

So he took a deep breath, hoping that his voice would obey, “Brian and I … were lovers.”

Jimmy gave him a ‘duh’-look. “I already got that, Dad. But what happened? I mean apart from the fact that you got mom pregnant.”

Unsettled by the memories bombarding his soul, Justin ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I’m not quite sure what to tell you. We met at Liberty Avenue. He was a little older, experienced,” he smiled. “A lot more experienced. He had trouble with his old man, so he had started hustling at seventeen to get some money on the side, just in case he wouldn’t manage a scholarship.”

“So – grandfather didn’t lie.”

“No.” Again the fingers combed through blond hair. “Yes. Well, not really. But Brian and I … that had nothing to do with hustling and a lot with … love. We loved each other. We really did. It was harder for him because,” he paused, needed a moment, guilt crashing down on him. “Brian didn’t trust people. But he trusted me … and I betrayed him.” He looked at his son, looked him right in the eye, “I betrayed him in the worst way.”

*****

“You want me to tell you what I’m gonna do to you as soon as we’re home?” 

“No. I’d rather see it for myself later,” Michael replied, a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, before it vanished and he sighed. 

“What?” Ted asked, instantly concerned for his partner’s well being. His partner. He still had a hard time believing it. Michael was finally his. After twenty years of pining away, or denying the attraction completely, he and Michael were an item. Partners. And if it was up to Ted, they would be for the rest of their lives. 

Michael exhaled loudly, “Nothing. Just … Brian’s such an asshole.”

Ted felt his brows draw together in a frown. Brian Kinney again. “So, what else is new?” he replied, trying to sound unperturbed even though he was anything but. Brian was a sore spot between them, or rather for him. He knew it was probably stupid, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling of jealousy every time Brian’s name was mentioned. 

“Nothing,” Michael said, withdrawing his hand and pinching the bridge of his nose, a habit he’d copied from Brian Kinney over the years. “He’s his usual self, but … You wouldn’t believe what he said when I called him before.”

Oh, he would. “So,” Ted forced a smile. “What did he say?”

“I’d rather not repeat it,” Michael said, and Ted knew it had to have been about him. Brian just couldn’t keep himself from making snide remarks. Ted sometimes wondered why Michael put up with the asshole in the first place. He sighed inwardly. No, he really didn’t. He knew exactly what was going on. But he also knew Brian Kinney. Hell would freeze over first before Brian ended up in a relationship and a that was what Michael wanted. He wasn’t a man for cheap one-night-stands or a constant string of tricks. 

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself say, and saw Michael smile at him. God, he had the nicest smile. Honest. Loving. How could anyone resist that? Brian could, was the simple answer. Had been able to resist it all his life. Michael had all but thrown himself at Brian Kinney, but something had happened in the past, something connected to Justin Taylor, a name that was merely whispered, that had changed Brian profoundly. 

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault that he’s such an asshole.”

“Are you by any chance talking about his royal highness, King Kinney?” Ted rolled his eyes as Emmett let himself fall into the booth beside him, exhaling several puffs of air. He heard Michael chuckle, and grinned himself. 

“Who else.”

“You know,” Emmett said, removing a scarf from his neck. “I always wondered. I mean, not that I would really, but I always wondered.”

“Emmett!” Michael exclaimed.

His answer was an expressive eye-roll. “Oh please! You’ve been pining away for the man for years. No offense, Teddy.”

“None taken,” Ted replied automatically, while he felt something tight clench around his heart. 

“So,” Emmett signed for the waiter to bring him coffee, “did you hear the news?”

“News?”

“Oooooh,” long lashes fluttered. “You didn’t. Why, about Justin, of course.”

“We really are not interested to hear about that asshole,” Michael gritted out, his mouth a straight line, his eyes narrowed. The tightness around Ted’s heart intensified. 

“It’s not really about him,” Emmett related, his voice dropping to a whisper. “It’s about poor, poor Daphne.”

“What about her?” Ted asked, taking a sip from his coffee, surprised that his hand was steady. 

Emmett said nothing until the waiter had left again. Then he removed a tissue from the pocket of his coat and dabbed his left eye. Sniffling slightly, he said, “She died. Daphne Taylor died a week ago.”

*****

Melanie Marcus rolled her eyes when her wife for almost fifteen years entered her office without knocking and let herself fall into a chair with a dramatic sigh, fanning her face with her hand at the same time. 

“Don’t tell me Gus told you he’s straight all of a sudden,” she said, putting just enough sarcasm in her words to make sure they wouldn’t be taken serious. 

Despite Melanie’s efforts, Lindsay didn’t smile, but shot her partner an almost lethal glare instead. “It’s not funny,” she hissed, pulling a tissue out of her purse and dabbing her perspiring skin. 

“Oh, please. I think it is. I think it’s terribly funny that after all the ‘effort’ Brian Kinney put into raising his son, he’s ending up just like dear old dad.” It was still a sore spot with Mel that she’d had to share her wife with Brian for the past eighteen years, and all that just because they hadn’t been careful one stupid night. In her eyes Brian was a narcissistic asshole, and the less she saw of him, the better. 

“Stop that!” Lindsay snapped. “Brian’s got enough to deal with.”

“Don’t tell me his shining star is finally descending?”

Mel knew she’d gone too far when she saw Lindsay’s eyes. Usually warm and loving, they were now cold and angry, so cold it made the lawyer shiver. “You never tried to understand him,” Lindsay accused her. “For you he was always a monster.”

“No, not a monster. Just an asshole who gave more thought about getting his dick sucked than about his own flesh and blood,” Melanie shot back, not sure why she didn’t feel inclined to back down.

Sending her lover another lethal glare, Lindsay stood, “You know. This is no use. There’s no talking with you where Brian is concerned. I’d better go.” She reached for the door when Mel’s voice stopped her. 

“No, please, Linds. Don’t go.”

The blonde took a deep breath and turned around, “Not if you’re going to continue this. I’m not in the mood to argue with you today.”

“Okay,” Mel finally gave in. She knew that she didn’t stand a chance winning this argument, or any other argument regarding Brian Kinney. Her stomach clenched painfully at that, but she bit her anger down and concentrated on her wife instead. She just had to convince herself that this was about Linds and not about Brian, the asshole, Kinney. “I promise I’ll be good.”

“Alright.” Linds turned back from the door, and looked at the brunette. “Things are going to change,” she started, pulling something out of her purse. “Daphne Taylor died a few days ago.”

“Daphne? Oh, no. She was such a sweetheart.” Mel was sorry to hear about the death of Daphne Taylor. She’d always liked the other woman. Even though they hadn’t met often, she’d come to know Daphne as a warm and loving person. 

“Yes, well. But that’s just one part of what I wanted to talk to you about.” Mel saw that Linds was holding a picture in her hand. “It’s more about this. I found it in Gus’ pants.” Linds put the picture on the desk, pushing it slowly into Mel’s direction. “Take a good look at it, and then tell me there’s nothing we have to worry about.”

Mel took one look at the picture and her eyes widened in shock. “What the fuck?” she exclaimed, alternately staring at the two young men in the picture and her wife. Lindsay on the other hand just nodded gravely.

*****  
“Well, well, well, look what the wind blew in once again?”

Brian kept himself from rolling his eyes the very last moment. Cythia would only get a kick out of it. So he kept his expression as neutral as possible, and his demeanor was nonchalant when he looked down at her, right brow raised, one corner of his mouth tilted up in a half-smile. “Where is the great man today?” he asked. “You seem in desperate need of a good lay.”

“Fuck you,” she replied, but her voice was affectionate, and her eyes full of concern. “How are you?”

“Great.” He let his teeth show. “Brilliant, in fact. I’m Brian Kinney after all.”

“Stop that bullshit,” she chided, standing up and coming around her desk. She stopped right in front of him, and without warning, hugged him tightly. “Did you see him?”

“Who?”

Pulling back slightly, she frowned at him and lightly slapped him on the lapel of his coat. “You know who. Did you see Justin?”

He straightened, his eyes shutting down, and Cynthia sighed inwardly. She hated when he did that. “Why would I see Justin? He’s a grieving widower. A dad with two kids. What would I want with that kind of life?”

Almost involuntarily her hand came up and cupped his cheek, “Talk to him – maybe?”

“Talk? About what? The weather?” He snorted, shook his head and disentangled himself from her, distancing himself even more. “There’s nothing we’ve got to talk about. I don’t know him.”

“Of course you do. You’ve got a *lot* to talk about.”

“That’s bull-“

“And don’t say it’s bullshit,” she interrupted him, allowing her anger at his attitude show. “I know … I mean, I saw how much he hurt you. How much the whole thing-“

“Can we please not talk about a past none of us will be able to change?” 

She saw his rigid back, the tension in his neck, and the way he had started rubbing his temples, and sighed. “I’m sorry, Brian. But … you’ve done so much for me, you got me out of the mess my life was. We’ve been through so much together. I suppose … I … kind of feel left out,” she let out a short laugh, “I guess.”

Instantly his expression softened, “I know.” He shook his head and leaned back against the side of her desk. “I went to the house.”

“Oh no!” Shutting her eyes for a moment, she forced her anger down, knowing that it would do no good. Looking at him again, she saw his long fingers interlaced, saw the way his thumbs were drawing circles around each other. “Why do you keep going there, Brian? I’m already sorry I told you about Daphne.”

“Don’t be. I needed to know. It’s better coming from you. Instead of Linds.” He stopped, rubbed his forehead. “God knows how she found out. Can you fucking believe that my son called me on the phone to ask me how I were?”

He laughed, but it was flat. “Gus called because of Justin?”

“Yeah.” Another laugh. “It’s fucking pathetic. I mean, am I that fragile that the whole world seems to think I can’t handle it?”

“No, of course not.” Cynthia wanted to go to him, touch him again. But she knew it would be the wrong timing. Totally wrong. “But Gus is your son. Of course he worries.”

“Yeah, well,” this time his thumb and forefinger pinched the bridge of his nose, “he’d rather think about his grades. Christ!” Another pinch to the bridge of his nose, a short rub over his forehead. The headache had to be pounding already. “Were there any calls?”

“Yeah.” She hated that she had to tell him. “Linds. Debbie. Gus. Then Michael. He sounded kind of upset.”

“Fuck! They probably all know …” He looked up and into her eyes, trying to hide his inner despair, but not quite managing. “Listen, Cyn, I can’t talk to them. I turned my cell phone off. Just …”

“I won’t put them through. As far as I’m concerned you’re at the baths … or something.”

He smiled, but it was forced and her heart went out to him. They all thought he was such a hard-ass, a man without a soul, without a heart. They all had no idea. “I love you, Cyn.”

She grinned, because she knew he needed it, and winked. “You too.”

He winked back, but she saw the way he was dragging his right leg when he went into his office. He only did it when he was completely exhausted. His head wasn’t the only thing hurting today. Damn Justin Taylor and the fact that he ever came into Brian’s life. She just wished she could truly hate him. Things would be a lot easier that way. Unfortunately, life never was, and Brian was proof of it.

*****

Jimmy Taylor knew his face was knit in a frown as he studied the different crackers in the food section of the huge supermarket, but he also knew it was no use. No way he was going to be able to concentrate on deciding which crackers to take for his meeting with Gus when his mind was still reeling from all the revelations he’d heard that day. 

It wasn’t really a surprise to find out that his father was gay. So, okay, it had been a surprise, but not that much. Somehow it explained why his parents hadn’t shared a room as long as he could remember or why they didn’t seem to mind one of them staying out the whole night. There had been no fights, no tears, and they’d always laughed together over breakfast. They seemed to be good together and Jimmy had closed his eyes and marvelled in the fact that his parents were one of the few that *didn’t* get a divorce. 

But to find out that Brian Kinney had been his father’s lover left Jimmy speechless. He remembered Gus telling him about his father having gotten hurt while he was still very young, which was Gus’ explanation for his father’s lifestyle. Jimmy had listened and tried to understand. Now – he did. If what his father had told him was true – and Jimmy had no reason to doubt it was – he was surprised Brian was still functioning as well as he did. 

“Hey, are you going to take one or are you just standing in other people’s way?”

The annoyed voice pulled Jimmy out of his maudlin thoughts and he turned slowly to find three men looking at him. They all were about the same size, one was kind of butch – and truth to be told, really good looking – the other was what Gus would call a Queen. The third one was clearly younger, Jimmy guessed around mid twenties, and Jimmy was sure the voice had been his. 

“Sorry,” he said, quickly moving to the left to give the trio better access. 

“Don’t mind Hunter,” the Queen told him. “He’s got no manners.” The statement was accompanied by an affectionate slap to the younger man’s head, who hid his grin behind a long, brownish mane. “You on the other hand,” the older man’s gaze wandered approvingly over Jimmy, “seem to have everything. Everything indeed.”

The third of the trio rolled his eyes. “Geez, Em. Don’t you think he’s a little old for you?” 

“Not to forget that I’m already taken, right?” The one called Em fluttered his lashes. “Right, sweetie?”

So the two older ones were obviously a couple, even though they looked a little mismatched at first. That’s when the Queen’s words sank in, and Jimmy felt himself blush furiously. “Uh … ah …”

“See, what you’ve done,” the butch one said, giving Jimmy a blinding smile. “Hey, don’t mind those two. I’m Ben Bruckner, by the way.” He held out a hand and after a short hesitation Jimmy took it. “The guy to my right is Emmett Honeycutt, and that’s Hunter. He’s kind of my adopted son even though I’d prefer to deny any relation to him right now.”

That brought an even broader grin on Hunter’s face and he finally looked up again. “Hey, sorry dude for jumping on you,” he said, putting a large hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. “You okay?”

“Ah …” Jimmy wondered why the earth never opened up when you needed it, but still managed to clear his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Perfect even.”

“See,” Emmett sent Ben a look. “He’s fine. No reason to worry. Right, sweetie?”

Jimmy needed a moment to realize that this time *sweetie* was meant for him. “Right,” he replied, getting his facial muscles to obey and smile. “I’m Jimmy, by the way.”

“Jimmy.” Emmett’s lashes fluttered on a sigh. “What a wonderful name. And to be that young again.”

“It’s not as if we’re ancient,” Ben said, grinning at Jimmy. The teen liked the grin. He really liked it a lot. Yes, the guy was kind of old, but God, he was H O T. 

The hand on his shoulder tightened and looking up he still found Hunter’s gaze on him, “Believe me, they are. I don’t even want to think about what they’re doing in their bedroom. The noise is enough to make me shudder.”

“Brat,” Ben scolded, but the grin ruined the impression. “You just wish you’d be making that much noise. It’s been kind of quiet in your bedroom lately.”

Hunter pretended to be outraged, but another grin flickered across his face. It was clear to Jimmy that the three men were totally at ease with each other. And that he had a date – he glanced at his watch and his eyes widened – in ten minutes.

“So … uh … I’ll be going then. I really need to be somewhere.”

“It’s been nice meeting you,” Emmett said, smiling a very friendly smile. “Maybe we’ll meet again.”

Ben rolled his eyes, “Take care.”

“Yeah, dude.” 

“Okay … uh. Bye.”

“Nice kid,” he heard Ben say.

“Very nice.” There was appreciation in Emmett’s voice, and Jimmy knew the older man was checking out his tight butt. At least Gus had told him it was a tight butt. He wasn’t really sure. He thought it was kind of ordinary. 

“Hey, Jimmy?” 

He stopped, looked over his shoulder, found Hunter smiling at him. “Yeah?”

“What’s your whole name? Maybe we can keep in touch?”

“Taylor,” he shouted, getting in line to pay for his stuff.

He was so busy putting the goods on the counter, he never saw the way Emmett gasped or how the older men’s eyes looked at each other in complete and utter shock.


	3. A Married Man

Chapter 3: Pittsburgh Blues

 

“What am I gonna do? God, what am I gonna do?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ben didn’t even try to hide the annoyance he felt. He thought of himself as a tolerant kind of guy, he knew he loved his partner, and his adopted son, he was happy with his work, and according to his former lover, Michael, his patience was legendary, but right now he was close to snapping. 

“What am I talking about? Jimmy, of course. The delectable morsel we met at the supermarket. Jimmy Taylor.”

Taking a deep breath, he managed an outward calmness that surprised even him, “So? Jimmy Taylor is a nice kid.”

Emmett made a slashing motion with both hands, “That’s beside the point. Of course he’s very sweet. But Taylor. Taylor. This is so bad.”

“What’s bad?” Hunter asked, entering the apartment just at that point.

“Jimmy Taylor, obviously,” Ben remarked before he resumed chopping onions. 

Hunter frowned. “Why is he bad? I thought he was kind of nice. Tight buns.”

“Please, can we just not talk about his remarkable assets.” Emmett sighed, “If nothing else, he’s certainly got his father’s tight little ass.”

“I’d not call that little,” Hunter said, putting the two six-packs on the kitchen counter and exchanging a look with Ben. Lowering his voice to a whisper, he asked, “What’s that all about?”

Ben sighed, “You weren’t there when the whole drama went down. Nor was I, for that matter. But from what I got, there’s a lot of history between Jimmy’s father and Brian.”

“Brian, huh?”

“You still haven’t given up?” he asked his adoptive son, rolling his eyes for good measure. “He’s not going to fuck you. Besides, he’s almost my age.”

“So?” Hunter’s right brow went up, a habit he’d copied from Brian a few years ago, and trained in front of the mirror. “He’s hot. Tell me you don’t think he’s hot?”

Sighing again, Ben shook his head. As much as he liked the men in his life, sometimes they were a pain in the ass. “Okay, let’s agree that Brian’s still a hot guy. But so what? There are a lot of them around.”

“True,” Hunter agreed. “But Brian’s a challenge. He’s always seen me as a kid. I’m twenty-five years old.”

There was so much outrage in his voice, Ben had to chuckle. At the same time he noticed that his lover hadn’t said a word since Hunter had returned. Handing the knife over to the younger man, he said, “Can you please finish this? I need to talk to Emmett.”

“Sure,” Hunter answered on a shrug, and Ben patted his shoulder before he left the kitchen and joined Emmett on the couch, where his lover sat, gnawing his nails. 

Wrapping an arm around his partner’s shoulders, Ben squeezed them a little. “Hey. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Easy for you to say,” Emmett replied, his face set in a scowl. Yet, he snuggled deeper into Ben’s embrace. “This is just so fucked up. I mean, when I met Brian he was such an asshole. I thought he had no heart at all, until I heard the whole story. It’s terrible. And it’s a miracle that Brian’s turned out the way he has. I mean, he’s functioning, and living – in a way.”

“You’re afraid for a friend. That’s caring and thoughtful, Emmett,” Ben said, pecking his lover’s cheek. He was still amazed that he and Emmett had found their way to each other in the end. He’d always liked the other man, but he’d been so sure he’d found his life partner in Michael. He sighed inwardly, and looked at Emmett’s profile. These days he couldn’t imagine his life without the man at his side. Michael was still a friend, but Emmett was the one he wanted and needed. 

“I’m afraid for Brian, yes. But also,” Emmett paused, gnawed his thumb some more, “because I have a very bad feeling about the whole thing. You didn’t see Michael when I told them about poor Daphne. He had murder in his eyes. And now we meet Jimmy. This isn’t just about Justin. It’s about the whole Taylor-family.” He turned his head and Ben saw the blue eyes were luminant. “Did I ever tell you how Brian got his bad leg?”

“No.” Ben ran his hand through Emmett’s hair, then kissed the other man’s temple. “Do you want to tell me?”

“Hey, the onions are done. What now?” Hunter called from the kitchen.

Emmett sighed at that, “Not right now. Maybe later. Let’s take care of dinner first, okay.”

“Okay,” Ben agreed, knowing that Emmett would talk to him when he was ready. But he couldn’t help wondering what was behind the mysterious remark his lover had made.

*****

“Hey.” 

Jimmy was a little startled to find a girl answering the door to Gus’ home. She was pretty, he decided. A pixie face and big blue eyes were smiling at him. “Hey,” he managed after a moment. “Is Gus home?”

She sighed dramatically, but stepped back and allowed him to enter. “Why are the cute ones always gay?” she asked, her eyes twinkling with humor. “It’s a shame if you ask me.” Then she stuck out her hand, “I’m Ellie by the way.”

“Jimmy,” he replied stupidly, feeling a little overwhelmed by her attitude. “Uh … Gus?”

“He’s talking to his little brother,” she said, grinning. “Seems Mikey took some of his DVDs without asking. Man, the guy can get pissed sometimes. Hey, you brought crackers.” She snatched the packet from his hands before he could react and walked into the living room on the left. Jimmy had never been in Gus’ home before. They’d met at college, and he felt a little lost in this unfamiliar territory. Plus, as nice as Ellie seemed to be, she scared him a little. 

“Never, ever take something from my room again without asking. If necessary tattoo it on your butt” he heard Gus yell from above. A door was slammed, and a moment later the young man appeared on the stairs. “Hey, Jimmy!” Gus face lit up with delight when he saw who’d arrived. 

“Hey, Gus,” Jimmy replied, blushing slightly. “Uh … Ellie showed me in.”  
Gus grinned, “She did, huh? She can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But she’s okay.”

“I heard that!” came her voice from the living-room. “Jimmy brought crackers. The ones with pepperoni flavor. They’re yummy.”

Gus rolled his eyes, “She’s been watching Buffy a lot. Girls!” Both young men laughed at that. “Give me your coat?”

“Sure.” Jimmy handed his coat over, then followed Gus into the living-room where they joined Ellie. But while Jimmy sat down beside her on the couch, Gus simply plopped on the floor, feet crossed, and reached for the crackers. 

“He’s cute,” Ellie announced, holding the crackers out to him, but keeping the whole package securely in her own hands. 

Again Gus rolled his expressive eyes. They were hazel, and beautiful, and Jimmy felt as if he could drown in them every time he looked. “Give it a rest, Ellie. Not every guy I spend time with is a guy I fuck.”

That certainly put things into perspective, Jimmy thought, forcing his face into a neutral expression. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t expected it. On the contrary, not once, since the first day they’d met in the college cafeteria, Gus had shown any sexual interest in him. Instead he’d been like a best buddy, like a friend, despite the fact that Jimmy desperately wished it could be different. Gus was about two years his junior, but seemed a lot more world-wise. Maybe that came from his family background. Two mothers who were married and a gay father who didn’t give a fuck about anyone knowing about him. Not like his own, he thought with a twinge. 

“You guys,” Ellie’s eyes were wide, “didn’t do it? No horizontal mambo?”

Again the expressive eye-roll. “Horizontal mambo?” Gus asked as if he’d just been hit with a two by four. “What kind of expression is that?”

Ellie shrugged, completely unperturbed. “I like it. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m just kind of shocked, I think. I mean, I really thought…” She trailed off, her gaze showing a sudden interest, as she turned her head to Jimmy, “Are you gay?”

“Uh … yeah.” Maybe he’d woken up in a bizarre world this morning without even noticing it. Ellie certainly fit the description.

“Damn,” she muttered, stuffing another cracker in her mouth. “It’s so totally unfair.”

Gus grinned, and reached out to pat her thigh. “Relax. You’ll get a man.”

“Yeah,” she snorted. “Easy for you to say, Mr. Everyone-Wants-In-My-Pants. I’m already wondering if I’m going to die a virgin.”

“TMI,” Gus told her, laughing and winking at Jimmy at the same time.

The other man felt his cock leap in his pants, and was glad that he’d chosen a pair of particularly wide ones. “Yeah,” he managed to sound amused. “Definitely too much information.” But he hadn’t missed it either. The looks other men gave Gus, the way their eyes followed him through the college halls. He’d also seen how Gus enjoyed the attention.

“Well,” Gus yawned and grinned. “What can I say? I’m irresistible.”

Ellie slightly hit his shoulder. “It’s not nice to brag about it.”

Gus shrugged as the entrance door opened and closed, revealing Lindsay and Melanie. Jimmy had seen pictures of them in Gus’ room, but he still felt a little awkward when he stood, and Gus introduced him to his mothers. Especially because he now knew about the connection between Brian and his father. It was just too weird. 

“Hi Mom, Mother,” Gus said, standing as well. “Why are you back so early?”

The two women exchanged an odd kind of look that intensified when they became aware of Jimmy’s presence. The dark haired one, Melanie Gus had told him when he’d shown Jimmy the picture, seemed to recover first. “We decided that an early day was a nice idea for a change,” she said, shrugging off her long brown coat. “Hi Ellie.” Her eyes came to rest on Jimmy, and he couldn’t help but feel them slicing right through him. “And who do we have here?”

“Hi, Melanie,” Ellie piped, watching the exchange curiously. She obviously felt it, too. Something wasn’t quite right. “Lindsay.”

“Hi Ellie,” the blonde replied with a smile. Then her eyes were on Jimmy as well, but they were warm and maybe a little curious, not as cold as the ones of her partner. 

“This is my friend Jimmy,” Gus introduced him. “Jimmy Taylor. And yes, he’s Justin Taylor’s son,” Gus added quickly, not looking at the other boy. 

“Jimmy,” Lindsay nodded at him. “Nice to meet you.” She held out a hand and he took it. 

“Nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Peterson.” He took a deep breath and turned to Melanie, “Mrs. Marcus.”

Raised brows turned to Gus as Melanie took it all in. Her son shrugged, “I showed him a picture or two.”

“You did?” Lindsay’s eyes twinkled.

“Where is Michael?” Melanie asked.

“In his room,” Gus grunted, and his mother sighed. 

“What did he do now?”

“Nothing,” Gus said quickly, grabbing the bag of crackers form Ellie.

“Hey!” she complained, pretending to be outraged.

“Don’t give me this nothing-crap,” Melanie demanded. “God!” she exclaimed. “Just when one son is out of puberty, the other hits it full force.” She looked at her wife, “Tell me again why we ever wanted kids?”

“Because we love them?” 

“Oh, yeah. I knew there was a reason.” Scratching her forehead, Melanie turned back to Gus, “So, what are you guys doing?”

“Trying to study,” Gus replied, holding the bag of cracker. “If we can get some quiet time in this house, and *if* I can get Ellie away from those.” He held the bag up.

“Hey!” Ellie shouted again. “I’m hungry.”

“Are you and Jimmy in the same class?” Lindsay wanted to know. “You never mentioned him before.”

“No,” Gus shook his head. “He’s a sophomore. We met a few months ago in the cafeteria, and hit it off. He agreed to help us with English Literature.”

“I see,” Lindsay gave him a smile. “Well, we won’t disturb you. But we brought enough food for an army.” She indicated the bags in the hall. “So, we’re going to cook and expect Jimmy and Ellie to be there later.”

Not quite sure how he felt about that, Jimmy cleared his throat, “I … uh …”

“Forget about it, Taylor,” Ellie interrupted him. “You’ve got no chance here. Dykes cooking and inviting you for dinner? It’s a law.”

Melanie rolled her eyes at the frank words, but grinned, “It’s a shame you’re not batting for our team.”

“What can I say,” Ellie sighed dramatically. “Cock just always gets to me.”

Gus put an arm around her shoulder, “Listen to her,” he told his mothers, grinning from ear to ear. “That girl knows where true passion lies.”

“Mom!” came Michael’s voice from the upper hallway. “You’re back early.” They heard him on the stairs, then a boy appeared in the doorway. Jimmy knew he was fourteen, and Gus younger brother, even thought the two of them were not related by blood. Dark hair, dark eyes, kind of short. “I’m dying of hunger here,” he complained. “And Gus wouldn’t let me borrow his DVDs.”

Sighing, Melanie reached over and ruffled her son’s hair. He evaded her touch with a disgusted snort. She rolled her eyes, went into the hall and picked up the grocery bags. “Alright sport,” she told the boy, “let’s see what we can feed you.”

 

*****

Cynthia was about to pour herself a coup of coffee when the office door opened. Planting a business like smile on her face she looked up – only to freeze on the spot. 

“Hello,” the newcomer announced, smiling at her. 

She had never seen the man in real life. All she’d managed was a glimpse here and there on a picture made at a charity event. But she instantly knew him. Straightening and forgetting all about her need for caffeine, she raised her brows. “Mr. Taylor. How can I help you?”

If he was surprised about her knowing him, he didn’t show it. “I know I didn’t call in advance,” he said. “But I’d really appreciate if I could see your boss.”

Protectiveness surging up in her, she narrowed her eyes. “And may I ask what this is about?”

His smile never wavered, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They were completely without expression. “You may, but I’m not going to answer. It’s a private matter.”

Feeling slightly insulted – who did the guy think he was, anyway – she frowned. “Mr. Kinney is busy today. He’s told me to hold off any incoming calls because he needs to go through some very important files and I’m sure that he-“

“It’s alright, Cyn,” came Brian’s voice from the doorway to his office. “Mr. Taylor and I are old …,” he paused, his lips moving into the cynical half-smile she hated, “acquaintances.” Then he nodded at the other man, “Justin.”

“Brian.” The voice was slightly breathless and as Cynthia turned her head, he saw a flicker of something in those startling blue eyes. She wasn’t sure what it had been. Guilt? Pain? Agony? It was just as well. As far as Cynthia was concerned, the guy earned all the pain he got.

For a moment neither of the men spoke, and Cynthia felt as if she could cut through the air if she wanted to, there was such tension in the room. 

Still wearing the half-smile, Brian stepped back a little. “So, why don’t you come in?” he invited his guest, then looked at Cynthia. “Can you get me a cup of non-fat latte?”

She got the hint, and nodded. “Got it.” Grabbing her purse, she fled the office, glad to escape, but also feeling guilty that she left Brian there. Unfortunately, she knew there was nothing she could do. The last thing she heard was Justin’s voice, holding amusement, as he said, “Non-fat latte? Seems your habits haven’t changed a bit.”


	4. A Married Man

Ted winced when Michael slammed the door shut, then ripped his coat off and stomped into the living room, leaving a trail of wet footprints on the wooden floor.

“Would you please calm down,” Ted called after him, knowing already that it was of no consequence.

“Calm down?” Michael was back in the doorway, his eyes shooting daggers at his lover, his whole body quivering with rage. “I can’t believe Emmett just dished it out like it was no big deal. As if he enjoyed it.”

Sighing inwardly, Ted removed his own coat. “Don’t you think you’re a little unfair? You know Em, he likes to gossip. But he was terribly worried about Brian.” He had a hard time to not spit out the name, and thought it was almost heroic that it came out so casually.

“Oh, sure. Worried about Brian! Fuck you!” Michael shouted and turned away, leaving little lakes on the floor in his wake. Sighing again, Ted went into the kitchen and returned with a towel. Bending down, he put it over the watery spots.

“That’s just so like you,” Michael hissed. “More concerned about your stupid wooden floor than your friends – or your lover.”

Ted finally had enough. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped. “Besides my ‘stupid floor’ is *our* floor and it cost half a fortune.”

“So?” There was a definite challenge in Michael’s voice. God, Ted hated it. He hated the way Michael got all riled up when it came to Brian, the way he forgot everyone and everything around him. It was as if nothing existed apart from his childhood friend. “I can just see it,” he went on, walking to the window, hands at his hips, his body stiff. “Now that Daphne’s out of the picture, Justin’s gonna come crawling back to Liberty Avenue.” He turned swiftly and stared at Ted, “Only over my dead body. I’m not gonna watch him trample on Brian again.”

“Michael,” Ted straightened, holding the wet towel in his hand. “Brian’s forty years old. He’s grown up, he doesn’t need your protection.”

“He’s my friend!” Michael shouted. “My best friend. Obviously the concept is foreign to you, but I at least thought you’d try to understand me.” Eyes wide, tears welling up in them, Michael’s voice was trembling, as was his whole body.

“I do, believe me, I do.” He’d done nothing else the past five years, since they were an item. Sometimes it had been hard, living with the fact that Michael spent hours at Brian’s loft, that at times he didn’t return home until the morning. Ted had learned to live with his jealousy, to ignore it, knowing – if nothing else – that Brian would never touch Michael. He still didn’t understand why, but he knew it without a doubt.

“Fuck!” Michael turned back to the window, and once again pulled his cell out of his pocket. Dialing what without doubt had to Brian’s number, Ted saw him wait, then throw the phone away viciously. “Fuck! He doesn’t answer his phone. How am I supposed to look out for him if he doesn’t let me.”

“Maybe,” Ted said slowly, “you aren’t supposed to.”

“What?” Michael whirled around and Ted wondered if he wasn’t feeling dizzy from the fast movement.

“I just meant,” Ted clarified, “that Brian’s a big boy. He can look out for himself.”

“You don’t understand,” his lover wailed, running his fingers through his hair.

“Obviously.” Needing to distance himself for a moment, Ted went into the kitchen and put the wet towel into the sink. Taking several deep breaths, he steeled himself for what was waiting for him and went back. “You want something to drink?” he asked when he returned into the living room.

“How can you even think about drinking now? Shit!”

Ted sighed and poured himself a double Scotch. Maybe if he could get drunk enough, he’d even find something funny in the whole disaster.

*****

“So,” closing the door behind his unexpected visitor, Brian walked behind his desk, sat down, then pointed at the one in front. “Take a seat,” he invited Justin, schooling his expression and voice into blankness. “Why are you here?”

Justin smiled slightly as he lowered himself into the chair, “Still the same Brian. Still right to the point.”

The man in question shrugged, feeling a stab right in his gut at the words. There was nothing left of the Brian Justin remembered. Nothing at all. “There’s no reason to beat around the bush. You come to me the first time in almost twenty years. There has to be a reason.”

With an odd satisfaction he saw Justin flinch at the words, but forced himself not to care. “There is,” the blond said evenly. “I don’t know if you know that I have two children.”

“I heard,” Brian replied. When he saw Justin’s brow come up, he added, “I read the newspaper.”

“Oh.” Was there disappointment in Justin’s eyes and voice? And why the fuck should he care? “I see.” And what the fuck did that mean? “Well … I heard you have a son, too.”

What the fuck? How had Justin found out about Gus? Slowly he let his right brow wander upward, “So?”

“It seems… uh … that our sons know each other. In fact, Jimmy told me today that they are planning to spend the summer in Europe.”

This time Brian didn’t manage to conceal his surprise. “What? That’s the first I hear.”

Justin nodded, “I had the same reaction this morning. I had no idea they knew each other, or that you had a son for that matter. Who is the mother?”

“Her name’s Lindsay,” Brian said coolly, watching Justin’s face for even the teensiest reaction. “I met her in college. We had a thing going, and one night we were drunk and not safe.”

He saw Justin do a double take at the news and reveled in it. In a weird way it felt good, even though Brian hated himself for it. “B-but … I mean … you’re gay,” the blond blurted.

The right brow came up again, “So are you.”

Oh boy. That one hit home. Justin’s mouth opened, but no sound came out, and he put his right arm over his middle as if to protect himself from pain. There were times when Brian would have taken Justin in his arms and done his best to soothe the pain away. Today, however, he felt a perverse kind of satisfaction that he could still hurt the other man.

“Direct hit,” Justin acknowledged after he’d caught himself. “I probably earned it.” Brian didn’t react and he went on, “Jimmy is gay.”

“So is Gus,” Brian said, still cool and controlled. No way he would give anything away. Even though he thought himself above hurt where Justin was concerned, he wasn’t ready to put the theory up for proof. “But my son is eighteen years old, yours is almost twenty. So I don’t know why it should concern if they fuck or not. As long as they’re safe.”

Again he saw Justin flinch at the word ‘fuck’. “I just don’t want to see Jimmy hurt.”

It felt like a punch to his gut, and Brian hated it. Hated, that he was still vulnerable, that Justin could still hurt him that way. “Maybe we should look at it the other way around. Hurting others usually is part of the Taylor family tradition.”

Justin paled visibly at that. “Brian-“

“No. I’m not going to talk about it.” He stood up, suddenly feeling unsettled, and walked to the liquor table. “Want some?” he indicated the whiskey.

“No, thanks.” Justin shook his head. “Too early for me.”

“Suit yourself,” Brian replied, pouring himself a generous amount, and swallowing half of it in one large gulp, then took the rest with him to his chair. Sitting down again, he looked at Justin who was wearing a frown. “What?”

“You’re limping.”

Brian stiffened. “It’s nothing.”

“How did it happen?”

“Accident. It was a long time ago. I usually don’t think about it.” Brian leaned back, resting his hands in his lap, interlacing his fingers while watching Justin steadily. “Alright. You’re concerned your innocent little boy will be corrupted by mine. What do you want me to do about it?”

“Nothing,” Justin said firmly. “I just … wanted you to know. It might be a little … awkward.”

“Awkward, how?”

Justin gazed at him steadily, “With our history, it might be a little weird.”

“There is no history,” Brian replied, letting his lips turn into a cool smile. “We fucked. It’s been twenty years. With all the guys I’ve had since then, I’ve long forgotten about it. Don’t worry, Jimmy is nothing to me.”

Again Justin flinched, “I always wanted to tell you how sorry I was that-“

“Do you have a problem with your hearing?” Brian leaned forward, his elbows resting on the desk, his chin on his interlaced fingers. “Then let me spell it out for you. Twenty years ago I was a hustler. You were a rich boy. You were my ticket to a better life, so I grabbed it.” Straightening a little, he shrugged, “It didn’t work out. So what? I found another sugar daddy soon after. So don’t sweat about it.”

“What?” It was barely a whisper. Justin’s face was chalk white, and Brian saw his hands trembling. “You … it was never … you …” The blond was stammering, then standing and backing away from the desk. Then, without another word, he fled the office.

*****

“This is very good.”

“Thank you.”

Gus frowned when he caught Lindsay’s gaze across the table. Something was going on he wasn’t part of. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he could feel it in his right big toe. The mood was tense, Jimmy had complimented the food for what had to be the fourth or fifth time, and Lindsay kept thanking him. The only one at the table who seemed relaxed was Ellie, but she wasn’t talking right now. She was busy stuffing her mouth with Lindsay’s excellent onion fillet. Right that moment, Ellie looked up, and realizing Gus was gazing at her, she grinned. And Gus managed to grin back.

Melanie on the other hand wasn’t grinning. In fact, the expression on her face was so far from a grin, he’d have to call it an anti-grin, a black hole where grins went to die. He made sure to save his before she got it.

Michael who had eaten an hour ago had left for a friends’, a fact Gus was not entirely ungrateful for. His baby brother could be a little annoying sometimes. Mel and Linds insisted it was the age, teenagers were supposed to be a pain in the ass, but Gus couldn’t shake off the feeling that it had to do with the genes Michael inherited from his biological father. For some reason Gus never really got along with his uncle Mikey and he was still trying to figure out why the man had been his father’s best friend for the past 25 years.

“So,” Melanie said finally, putting her fork down, her expression grave. “I’m very sorry about your mother, Jimmy.”

Gus saw his friend swallow hard. “Thanks,” Jimmy managed. “It’s hard for all of us.”

“I bet,” Gus heard his mother murmur, but wasn’t entirely sure that’s what she had said or if it was said with a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Sometimes she could be a little weird, especially when it came to his Dad.

“I’m sure you all miss her terribly,” Lindsay said, giving her wife what Gus could only describe as a warning look. Hmm. Interesting.

“Your mom died?” Ellie stared at Jimmy. “How come I didn’t know about this?” Oooops, now Gus was the one on the receiving end of a glare.

“Maybe because I thought it wasn’t something to broadcast,” he snapped, feeling slightly irritated with her attitude. As much as he loved the girl, her desire to be in the middle of everything could annoy the shit out of him sometimes.

“That was very considerate of you, honey,” his Mom smiled at him, her blue eyes warm. Then she cleared her throat and gazed back at Jimmy, “How … ah … is your father taking it?”

“He misses her too.” Jimmy’s eyes, incredible eyes Gus thought not for the first time, had taken on a defiant look.

“Nobody doubts that,” Lindsay said gently.

“Just because he is gay, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love her.”

Gus felt himself stiffen when his friend’s voice rose. And for the first time he wondered if Justin Taylor really was the ass he thought him to be. But then he thought about the pain in his father’s eyes, the way Brian had closed up from any real happiness and forced himself to harden his heart. “He was still living a lie.”

Only when Jimmy stared at him with wide, hurt eyes, Gus realized that he had said the words aloud. Trying to backpedal, he said, “Jimmy, I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean-“

“No,” Jimmy slowly shook his head. “You’re right. He was living a lie. But he still loved my mother. They were best friends.”

“At least he was taking responsibility for his children,” Melanie muttered.

Instantly feeling the need to defend his father, Gus turned to her, “What’s that supposed to mean? You weren’t even there then.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t know all about it,” she snapped. It were moments like this when Gus had a hard time thinking of Melanie Marcus as his mother. “He was only too ready to produce you, but then he just walked away from it. No wonder Justin-“

“Mel!” Lindsay’s voice was sharp like a whip. “That’s enough.” She took a deep breath and her voice softened, “You’re right, Gus. This was uncalled for. Brian’s been a wonderful father to you. And he loves you very much.” The words were accompanied by a lethal glare into Melanie’s direction.

“Uh …,” Ellie’s face was flushed. “Maybe I should go now. My grandmother is supposed to be at my parents’ tonight.”

“There’s no need to leave,” Lindsay said, smiling at her. “I’m sorry for,” another glare at Mel, “this.”

“Hey, that’s cool. My parents fight all the time. It feels just like home.” Ellie tried a bright smile, but Gus saw how uncomfortable she was.

He stood. “How about Jimmy and I get you home?” he offered.

“That’s not-“

“No,” he interrupted her. “We insist. Right, Jimmy?”

“Right,” the other young man jumped on the occasion. “It’s been great,” he assured Lindsay, but avoided Melanie’s gaze. “Thanks for the food.”

“You’re welcome,” the blonde replied. “Come again soon.”

“I will,” Jimmy assured her.

When they left the house, Gus could already hear the raised voices from the living room. As much as he loved being home, he was glad he was going back to college soon.


	5. A Married Man

She had a new wrinkle, Lindsay noticed with wry amusement, wondering if investing money in Brian’s anti-aging moisture creme would maybe make it go away. She remembered telling him once that she wanted to grow old and have wrinkles. In the harsh light of the bathroom lamp she wasn’t so sure anymore. It was easy to say when you were thirty … and much harder at forty. 

“Will you talk to me ever again?” 

Lindsay frowned, the wrinkle more prominent on her forehead now. 

“Maybe next century?” 

She saw Mel’s face appear in the doorway, meeting her gaze in the mirror. There was an apology in Mel’s eyes, an expression Lindsay knew only too well. She knew her wife, knew that Melanie often said things she felt sorry for later. This time, however, Linds wasn’t sure her forgiveness was enough. “This is not about me,” she said, mentally accepting the wrinkle with an inward sigh. She turned off the light, and stared at her much nicer image. 

“I know.” Melanie walked into the bathroom and joined her at the vanity. Their eyes met in the mirror, “I’ll apologize.”

She meant it. Linds was sure of it. Mel hated the way she’d behaved earlier. Still, it wasn’t her place to let her off the hook, neither did she feel Mel deserved it – yet. “You think that’s enough?”

Her wife rolled her eyes, “You want me to grovel?”

Maybe it was unfortunate, but she loved this woman, and she would forgive her everything. “I told you before. This isn’t about me.”

Mel blew out a sharp breath, the air making her bangs move. She looked twenty all of a sudden. There were nearly no wrinkles on her face, and Linds felt a sudden stab of envy. “I love Gus, you know that.”

Yes, Linds knew. Mel would die for Gus. But sometimes it just wasn’t enough. “Gus loves Brian. And Brian loves him. I’m glad it turned out that way. And you have to accept it.” She turned her head and Mel did the same. Their faces were close now, only a breath away, “You have to. Or Gus will turn away from you. He loves you, but don’t make him choose.”

Linds saw her wife’s eyes widen, hated the expression in them, hated the pain the words caused, but knew it had to be said. Mel had to understand that Brian was special to Gus, and would always be. “You can’t mean that.” Mel’s voice was hoarse and the sound cut right through Linds’ heart. 

“I mean it.” Linds hardened her heart, her soul. Truth. It was time for the truth. “I know you love him. And because you do, you can’t do that to him.”

“Because he’ll choose Brian?” 

Linds took a deep breath. God, she wished she was in bed with Mel, making love to Mel. Being partners could be a bitch sometimes. “Because it’ll tear him apart. He is an eighteen year old kid, Mel. And he adores Brian.”

“Something I’ll never understand.”

“Because you never made the effort.” Linds voice was gentle now, and she reached out and touched Mel’s shoulder. The skin was soft and warm. And very tempting. She took a deep breath. “Brian is a good person.” She ignored her partner’s snort and pushed on, “He is. He had a hard life. And he was hurt a lot. But he is very loving.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s why he didn’t set an eye on his son for five years.”

Linds withdrew her hand, and closed her eyes. Then she opened them again, “You have no right to talk that way. You weren’t there and you have no idea what happened. It wasn’t Brian’s fault. I made him drink that night, and I made sure he forgot about the condom. I wanted to get pregnant that night, even though I knew he was gay. That he left is between him and me, and I’d appreciate if you kept out of it.”

Mel’s chin lifted. “I’m your wife. Your partner. I have every right-“

“No, you don’t,” Linds cut her off, keeping her voice as gentle as possible. “Yes, it was a mess. But it was my mess. It’s a miracle Brian forgave me. That he came back and took care of Gus the way he has. He’s been paying for Gus’ education. And he’s important for his son. And you fucking have to accept it!” She hadn’t wanted her voice to rise, but it did nevertheless. She hated being between her wife and the father of her son, and she hated that Mel thought she was on Brian’s side all the time. Why couldn’t she understand that there were no sides in this?

“How can you be so blind about his faults?” Mel shook her head and turned away, opening the toothpaste and pressing some on her toothbrush. “How can be Gus?”

“We’re not blind. But we love him.” Linds heard Mel gasp and closed her eyes again. “Brian’s Gus father, and he’s been part of my life for a long time. We won’t stop loving him just because you can’t deal with it. And I won’t tolerate another incident like tonight.” Looking back at her wife, she once again met Mel’s eyes in the mirror, “If you ever do something like that again…” She trailed off and sighed, “Just,” she turned away, “don’t. Okay?” Looked at Mel over her shoulder, “You’re hurting Gus and me. Do you really want that?” Then she left the bathroom, and went to bed. 

Behind her the bathroom door was closed, and Linds pretended not to hear the muffled sobs, forced herself not to go to Mel and take her in her arms to soothe the pain away. Mel had to come to term with this. The sooner the better.

*****

“You tired yet?” 

“No. Not really.”

“I’m sorry. You know, for my … for Mel. She’s not always like this.”

Jimmy wondered it this was the truth, but let it go. It had been bad enough, and he was not going to make the situation worse for Gus. “It’s okay,” he lied, even though he wanted to go back to Gus’ home and punch and kick the woman’s sorry ass. His mother had sometimes been a pain in the behind, but he couldn’t see Daphne ever doing something like Mel. 

“No, it’s not, but …” Gus trailed off, his profile looking strange in the dimness of the dark car. Ellie was up at her parent’s condo, and now they were sitting here, not quite sure what to do. Well, Jimmy knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach over, grab Gus and kiss him senseless, then fuck him into oblivion, but wasn’t quite sure how Gus thought about that. So far, his friend had never shown any sign that Jimmy’s feelings weren’t one-sided. And the last he wanted was to lose Gus as a friend just because he couldn’t keep his hormones and dick in check.

So he did the second best, which was making feel Gus better about his mother. “Hey, parents can be annoying sometimes. I know all about that.”

Gus chuckled. “Don’t we all? I hate it, you know. The way she talks about my Dad all the time. The worst thing is, I don’t even know why? Dad doesn’t like her a lot, either, but he’s never said a word, at least not in my presence. If I can believe my uncle Em, they’ve been at each other’s throats more than once.”

“That sucks,” Jimmy said, wishing more than ever that he could kick Melanie Marcus’ ass. Stupid cow. His parents had lived a lie, but they’d always respected each other, loved each other as friends. 

“Yeah.” Gus leaned his head against the back of the driver’s seat and closed his eyes. “It does. Sometimes I just want to leave and never come back. Or maybe go and live with my Dad.”

“Why don’t you?” 

Gus shrugged, keeping his eyes closed. “Maybe I will. I haven’t asked yet, but Dad won’t say no. Besides, he has a whole house that’s empty. Maybe I could stay there.”

“An empty house?” That sounded weird. “Why would someone have an empty house?”

Gus shrugged again, “Not sure. He’s never talked about it. He was taking off some days, and I was curious. So I followed him one day. He went to this house. It’s big, and empty.”

“Did you go inside?” Jimmy felt suddenly intrigued. He didn’t know why, maybe he just wanted to spend more time with Gus, maybe he wanted to know what made his friend tick. 

“No.” Gus shook his head. “It didn’t feel right, somehow. He never told me about it, and going there without Dad knowing about it…” He trailed off, sighed, and rubbed his eyes. Jimmy couldn’t see them in the darkness. 

“Did you ever ask him about it?”

“No. He never mentions the house. And I never … told anyone, but you.”

A warm feeling spread through Jimmy. Gus trusted him. With a secret. Not just any secret, but something important. Important enough that Gus hadn’t told anyone else. “It feels weird. That they were lovers once,” Jimmy said, trusting Gus with a secret of his. 

The other boy turned his head, and now Jimmy could see the eyes. They were dark, and huge. “Yeah.” It was a mere whisper.

“They’re gay, and we are too.” He wasn’t sure why he said that, but the words just tumbled out of his mouth.

Without warning, Gus suddenly laughed. “Twist of fate, I guess.”

Maybe. Or maybe it was something else. “Maybe it’s meant to be.”

He saw Gus frown. “Meant to be?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy replied, and without giving it another thought he did what he had wanted to do all day. He leaned over and kissed his friend.

*****

Justin turned off the ignition of his BMW with still shaking hands, then blew out a breath he hadn’t even been aware he’d been holding and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out everyone and everything for a second. 

It didn’t work.

‘Twenty years ago I was a hustler. You were a rich boy. You were my ticket to a better life, so I grabbed it.’

He still could hear the words. He could still see Brian’s face. Brian’s eyes. Without mercy. Without compassion. Blank. Like the words. Just the plain, simple truth. A truth Justin hadn’t wanted to see. A truth Craig had tried to tell him all those years ago. Words he hadn’t wanted to hear. 

Brian had been a hustler. And Justin had been his ticket for a better life. It had meant nothing to him, nothing whatsoever. A fuck. And afterwards, Brian had found someone else, another rich boy, or a man or … several.

Justin raised his head and blinked, surprised to find himself in front of his house. It was dark inside. His parents had taken Holly to their home for the night, and Jimmy was still out, probably getting fucked by Brian’s son.

Jesus!

Obviously history was repeating itself in the worst way. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he’d been hurt by the way Brian had never tried to contact him, had never tried to talk, now it seemed Jimmy was doomed to repeat the mistake of trusting a Kinney, or whatever name the boy wore. 

Damn Brian Kinney. Damn him to Hell. Brian had been a kid when they’d met, outspoken and frank, but still a boy. Much too wise for his age, because he’d seen and heard too much. And Justin had been the opposite. Quiet, romantic, a virgin. Once, Justin had believed their meeting had been fate … Today he wondered if maybe he’d sinned badly in another life. Was that the reason his current life was even more a mess? 

And what the fuck had he been thinking? Coming into Brian’s office as if nothing had happened between them? 

He groaned loudly, startling himself by the noise in the stillness of the night. He stared into the darkness, wishing for … what, exactly? That things were different? That he could turn back time and … what? Not meet Brian? Take a second condom and make sure Daphne never got pregnant?

No. He would never do it. Because then, there would be no Jimmy, no Holly … and even though Justin knew his life with Daphne had been far from perfect, he could never wish his children away. He loved them. Loved them in a way he had never thought himself possible. They were both the best of him and Daph.

God, Daphne!

How he missed her. Now, more than ever, he wished he could talk to her, have her listen to him, have her understand. She always had. She’d probably known him better than he’d known himself. He missed her smile, her sparkling eyes, her humor, and more than everything he missed the way she could cut through the shit and get right to the heart of the matter. She would know an answer to his question, she would tell him what to do.

‘Get off your sorry ass and do something.’

Justin gasped. This wasn’t possible. He was delirious. He was hearing things. Daphne was dead. And dead people didn’t talk. 

‘Dream on, blond boy. What? Brian sends you away with a performance every third class actor could give, and you buy it?’

Oh God! He was going insane. He was definitely losing it. He couldn’t probably be hearing-

‘Never heard of ghosts?’

“Shit!” Justin loosened his seat belt and climbed from the car, running shaky fingers through his hair as he slammed the door shut. “This is not happening. This can’t be happening. Breathe, Taylor. Just breathe, and everything’s going to be okay.”

‘Brian’s hurt. What did you expect? That he’d hug you senseless just because you show your baby blues in his office after twenty long years?’

“I didn’t go there to show my baby blues,” he snapped, shaking his head over his own stupidity. He had to be more tired than he’d thought. He was talking to thin air. No way this was Daph talking to him. No fucking way!

‘You really made yourself believe this was about Jimmy?’ Was that a sigh he heard? Christ! ‘Justin, Justin. I never thought you were delusional about yourself.’

“Shut up!” he snarled, wondering desperately if maybe seeing Brian again had made him finally lose it. 

“Mr. Taylor! Are you alright?”

Justin almost jumped out of his skin when he suddenly found himself face to face with Terry Ashford, the dark eyed widow from the house at the corner. She was in her mid-thirties, and had lost her far older husband to a stroke. Now she was left with a vast amount of money, and far too much time on her hands. Time she used to find suitable men. 

“Uh, fine,” he managed, trying to pull himself together. Apart from anything else, Terry was also the worst kind of gossip. If he lost it in front of her, it’d be all over the street in the morning. 

“Who were you talking to?” she asked, batting her green eyes at him. Cat eyes, Jimmy called them. A cat waiting for a mouse. Justin had never felt more sorry for the rodents. 

“Nobody,” he said. Then added, “To myself. I sometimes talk to myself. Don’t you?”

“Sometimes. When I’m lonely.” She sidled up to him and he realized his mistake. Obviously she’d just waited for him to give her an opportunity. Maybe he should just tell her he was gay. Maybe she would die from the shock, he though, suppressing the sudden urge for mad laughter. 

‘You are such a loser.’

Oh, no. Not that again. He mentally sent the voice a glare. It was not Daphne. Or Daphne’s ghost. Or whatever. He simply needed sleep. Hours. Days. And everything would be alright again.

‘Yeah. Like you tried to deny my pregnancy at first. Denial is your middle name, baby.’

“Shut up.” Oh, shit.

Startled green eyes rested on him. “What did you say?”

“Uh … nothing. Just … it’s a nice night.”

“Oh yes,” Terry breathed, linking her arm through his. “A night for …,” she licked her lips, “lovers.”

Oh, fuck! He quickly unlinked their arms and stepped away. “It was nice walking into you tonight, Terry. We should, ah, see each other soon. But I need to go now. I’m waiting for an urgent call.”

“Oh.” A disappointed sigh. “I understand. You’re an important man.”

‘God!’ He could almost see Daphne roll her eyes. ‘Can she be any more lame?’

“Good night, Terry.”

“Good night, Justin,” she whispered, blowing a kiss into his direction. 

He fled into the house, glad when the door closed behind him. Leaning against it, he closed his eyes for a moment. “Daph”, he said into the darkness. “I’m going to kill you.”

Laughter floated through the air. 

Justin might have been wrong, but he’d have sworn it was the dirtiest laugh he’d ever heard of her. 

*****

Brian closed his eyes, and concentrated on the sensation of his cock in the blond’s mouth. The kid wasn’t a master, but he wasn’t bad either. And he was young. And hot. And a blond. 

Fuck!

The kid almost choked when Brian sat up suddenly, his erect cock shoving down the young man’s throat. “Sorry,” he muttered, lying back on his bed, trying to relax. 

“’s okay,” the kid mumbled, sucking avidly. 

Light was streaming into the room, the moon huge and bright, painting the young man’s perfect body silver. Brian felt his body stiffen, felt his balls draw tight. He was close, so very close. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. 

And saw the same familiar face as he spurted into the kid’s mouth. Only this time, it was twenty years older.


	6. A Married Man

Chapter 6: Anywhere and Everywhere

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all night.”

Brian blinked at the enraged figure of Michael Novotny standing at his doorstep, and finally managed to wake up enough to realize that it wasn’t an illusion he was seeing, but reality. Michael *was* standing in front of his door, eyes blazing with anger, body trembling, lips turned into a pout, arms crossed angrily in front of his chest.. 

Christ. Just what he needed at – he squinted at the digital numbers on his VCR – nine o’clock in the morning. 

“Mikey,” he said, not even trying to keep the sarcasm from his voice. “Why don’t you come in?” He let his friend stand at the door and turned to the kitchen, hoping against hope that he’d not forgotten to turn on the timer of his coffee machine. But, of course, it was cold, and empty. 

“What kind of fucking greeting is this?” Michael pulled the door of the loft close behind him and followed Brian, coming to stand on the opposite side of the counter. “I thought I was going to find you lying in a gutter somewhere.”

“Thanks for the note of confidence,” Brian snapped, trying to ignore the pounding that had started behind his temples the moment he became aware who his visitor was. “Don’t you have a life? What about all those little comic book nerds? What will they do without their daily fix?”

“Fuck you!” Shrugging out of his leather jacket – the one Brian had given him for last Christmas – Michael glared at his friend over the counter. “I’m your friend, dammit. I was worried. After Emmett dropped the bomb about Daphne dying, I tried to call you.”

Brian so did not want to talk about Daphne, or Justin, and last of all, he did want to talk about them with Mikey. But, alas, it seemed he had no such luck. Nope, luck had run out for Brian Kinney long ago. “Mikey,” he said, cursing the coffee machine for taking so long, and making a mental note to have Cynthia buy one of those new fast ones. “Why would I need to talk to you about Daphne’s death?”

For a moment Michael was speechless. He stared at Brian, and the taller man wondered if maybe he’d swallowed his tongue. But then Michael’s eyes widened in outrage. “Don’t even try that shit with me.” Yep, the tongue was still there. “I know you, Brian. And I know this whole ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude is nothing but your personal defense mechanism. I just have to look at you to see that you haven’t been sleeping. You look like shit, by the way.”

“Thanks so fucking much,” Brian snapped, rubbing the bridge of his nose with thumb and forefinger. By now the pounding had spread from the temples, and had reached his forehead. “Mikey, go home, okay. I appreciate you coming here. But I don’t want to talk about it. More importantly, I don’t *need* to talk about it.”

“Fine. Have it your way. We’re not going to talk, but I’m not leaving you. Not like this.”

Maybe he could just throttle Mikey and let his body disappear? “I’m fine,” he gritted out. 

“Yeah, sure,” his friend snorted. Damn it! Mikey could be like a pit bull sometimes. “If you mean by fine, having dark circles underneath your eyes, or looking ten years older.”

“I’m not-“ Brian paused, giving Michael his most formidable glare, “looking ten years older.”

And suddenly Mikey grinned, “Gotcha with that one, huh?”

He couldn’t help grinning back, “Fuck you, Mikey.”

“Don’t I wish,” his friend sighed, but it was a good-natured sound, almost relaxed. “Anyway, what are you going to do today?”

And like that, the grin was gone. “Mikey, I don’t need a babysitter. I’m okay. Really, I am.”

“Fine.” Michael looked still doubtful, but not as worried as before. Good. Maybe Brian would be able to convince him after all, that there was no drastic action looming on the horizon. “But I want to spend time with you. You’re never around. Always busy. Always …” Michael trailed off, but Brian could hear what he didn’t say. Always fucking around. Even at your age. Christ!

“How’s the hubby?” he asked to divert the attention for a second. 

“He’s fine.” It didn’t sound as if Ted was fine, and Brian’s ears perked up.

“Trouble already?”

“Fuck. You,” Michael snarled, frowning darkly. “It’s your fault anyway.”

Suppressing his grin, Brian placed his right hand over his heart. “My fault. How could this be my fault?”

“You’re such an asshole. You know very well that we fought because of you. He just can’t understand how it is to have a best friend. Ever since he and Em split, nothing’s right between them.” Michael drew a deep breath, “He … just can’t understand.”

Maybe there were little men crawling into one’s skull and hammering against the inside with tiny little hammers. At least it felt so in his head right now. Brian sighed and tried his best to ignore them. “Mikey.” When his friend looked up, he walked around the counter and wrapped an arm around the smaller man’s shoulders. “Maybe you need to understand for a change.”

“Me?” It sounded as if Brian’s suggestion had been the most outrageous thought Michael had ever come across.

The taller man sighed again, “Yes. You. It’s not as if I’ll ever understand it, and God save me from having to watch you two making lovey-dovey with each other, but Ted’s your partner. You decided to be with him. You even put it into writing.”

“So?” Mikey could be such an idiot sometimes.

“That means he comes first. Or at least, he should. That’s what partnership means. Well, partially anyway.” He squeezed Michael’s shoulders and then let go of him completely. Walking back to the coffee machine, Brian said, “That’s why I never wanted one of those. Nobody’s more important to me than myself.”

Michael snorted, but it was mixed with a laugh, and Brian took a breath of relief. “That’s such complete and utter bullshit.”

“Ask Attila the Hun, she’ll tell you I’m right. Want some?” Brian indicated the coffee maker and held up an empty cup. 

“Yeah. Thanks. Mel’s just pissed because Linds still loves you.”

Brian turned, a big fake grin – one Mikey would never recognize – on his face, and handed his friend a filled cup, “How could she not? I’m irresistible. Didn’t you know that?”

*****

“Yo, best friend. Wow – you look like shit.” 

Gus recognized Hunter’s voice, but he had a hard time squinting through half closed lids against the bright sunlight streaming through the open doorway. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked, stepping back to let the other man inside. 

“Wow, you’re all cheery this morning. What bug crawled up you’re a … uh, I mean is there a problem?” Hunter blushed and sent an embarrassed grin into Lindsay’s direction. “Morning, Linds.”

“Hi, Hunter. Up and abut at this time of the day? No work today?”

Hunter shook his head. “I’ve got the day off. Michael says the shop stays closed until after the weekend. Talking about Michael – where is junior?”

“He’s staying with a friend’s for the week. They have some kind of research project.”

Hunter chuckled at that, and Gus left them in the hall, stumbling into the kitchen, finding hot coffee on the counter. Pouring himself a mug, he sipped from it when Hunter came after him. “Rough night?”

Gus groaned, scratching his head, “You have no idea.” And if it was up to him, it would stay that way. Especially as he still had a hard time coming to terms with what had happened himself. Who’d have thought a single, almost shy kiss could rock one’s universe? Certainly not him. Gus was far from inexperienced, but that … wow, that one kiss had blown his mind. 

“You know, even at our age, fucking all the time isn’t a healthy pastime.” Hunter looked amused. 

“You sound like Ben,” Gus replied sourly. “Besides, there is no *our* age. You’re ancient from where I stand.”

“Ouch.” Hunter winced. “Something really crawled up your ass.” His eyes turned speculative, “Or was it shoved?”

“God, you’ve got a dirty mind. Probably all that prowling around the blocks.” Gus wondered for a moment if this was a low blow, but Hunter just laughed. He really was okay with his past these days. Had to be living with Em and Ben, they both were really cool guys. “Want some coffee?”

“No” Hunter shook his head, serious all of a sudden. “Doesn’t sit well with the meds,” he explained. Gus winced and turned away to refill his mug. AIDS or rather HIV wasn’t the problem it had been twenty years ago. They had found a vaccine five years ago, and treatment was very good, but people already infected still sometimes suffered from drawbacks. “So, what happened last night?”

Gus took another sip of Mel’s strong coffee and turned back to his friend. Because even if Hunter sometimes annoyed the shit out of him, and even though the guy was waaay older, Gus still liked him. He liked Hunter’s street-wise attitude, his ability to never judge and just to listen. Tilting his head, Gus scrutinized Hunter’s face, “You ever been blown away by a kiss?” Christ, his insides still went right to mush when he thought about it. Lips as soft as silk, a tongue, shy and uncertain. Jesus!

Hunter whistled through his teeth and his eyes turned speculative. “Do I know the guy?”

Gus thought about it. “Doubt it. Doesn’t matter anyway. We’re in college together, but he’s from the Pitts. Older.”

“How much older?”

Gus rolled his eyes, “Not older older. Not even two years. Geez – get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Who? Moi?” Hunter looked entirely too innocent. “Okay, not some old geezer. Attractive?”

“Cute,” Gus replied, thinking about Jimmy’s eyes, that nose and – GOD! – those lips.

Hunter made an odd little sound, then whistled again. “That bad, huh? Man, you’re a goner. You don’t say ‘cute’ when you don’t mean it.”

Instantly pissed, Gus narrowed his eyes, “What’s that supposed to mean?” It was not as if he was looking for a serious relationship or … shit! 

“Nothing,” Hunter replied, a little too casually. “Just, you know, thinking.” He sighed ,”Keep me posted, okay. I’d like to meet the guy who has you losing sleep over him.”

“I’m not losing sleep over some guy,” Gus gritted out, wondering if there was a justified reason for homicide in one’s mother’s kitchen. Hunter was deluded. Probably watching Em and Ben all the time, had turned him into a total sap. 

“Sure. Whatever. What are you doing today?”

“Why? Can’t find a guy to fuck?” Gus snapped. 

“Hey, tune it down.” Hunter held up both hands, palms out. “Geez. I just thought it might be fun to spend time together. We barely see each other anymore.”

Gus sighed, instantly feeling bad. Hunter was his friend. And he was right, they barely spent time together anymore. And Hunter was more than his friend, he was like the big brother Gus never had. They were close, and genuinely liked each other. At least as long as Gus could forget the little fact that Hunter was still trying to get fucked by his Dad. Ewww. Not that he didn’t think his father was attractive. He was – in an older guy kind of way. But he was … old. And Brian would kill him if he knew Gus thought about him that way..

“You’re right,” Gus said, letting his eyes wander over the counter. Ah, there was some left-over cake from yesterday. Not home-made, but from Mel’s favorite Jewish bakery. Mrs. Liebenstein was an artist when it came to baking cakes. Cutting himself a piece, he instantly cut a second one and handed it to Hunter without asking. “What do you want to do?”

Hunter took the cake and bit a piece off. Chewing thoughtfully, he shrugged, “Not sure. We could just hang out. What about that Ellie chick? She’s hot.”

“You think she’s hot?” Sometimes Gus had a hard time understanding the guy. Brian said it was no surprise. Bisexuals were weird. How could you want pussy if you could have cock instead. But his dad was the world’s worst hetero-phobe. Gus rolled his eyes, “Geez. That’s disgusting.”

“Hey, can’t do anything against my nature. I didn’t even know I was into chicks until I was twenty. Probably scarred by my mom.” Hunter grinned good-naturedly. Yes, he was really cool about his past now. 

Gus grinned back. “Who’d fuck your mom?”

Hunter thought about it. “My dad?”

Gun grin widened, “And see how that turned out.”

He barely avoided the arm that swung into his direction. 

*****

She didn’t know what she’d expected, walking through that door after twenty years, or how she had thought Debbie Novotny would look like, but she was still surprised when the red-wigged, brightly dressed, now older looking woman, merely raised a brow and looked at her over the counter, saying, “Hello stranger.”

Jennifer tried for a smile and failed, then took a deep breath, and climbed on one of the high stools, trying her best to ignore the stares that followed her on her way. “Mrs. Novotny.”

Debbie cocked her head, and popped a pink bubble gum. “Last time you called me Debbie. *I*’m not going to call you Mrs. Taylor.” 

Okay. Jennifer could live with that. More than live even. “Debbie,” she said, eying the coffee maker in the back. Too bad she had given up drinking it ten years ago. “Could I have a glass of water, please?”

Debbie gazed at her for what seemed hours, then nodded and returned a moment later with a large glass of clear water. Then, after a moment, she poured herself a cup of coffee. “Des?” she yelled. “I’m taking ten off.” Sipping from her cup, her wise eyes seemed to bore into Jennifer. “So, why are you here? And just to make it clear, it surprises the fuck out of me. High and mighty Jennifer lowers herself to this establishment.”

“To be honest, it surprises me, too,” Jennifer told her, picking up her glass and staring into the clear liquid. She desperately wished for something inside, something that would hold her gaze, would prevent her from looking up and at Debbie. But there was nothing and she slowly raised her head. ‘I’m sorry’ was on her tongue, but it sounded lame somehow, as if it wasn’t enough. Debbie had once been a good friend when Jennifer had desperately needed one. Then, after Justin had married Daphne, Jennifer had shoved the whole episode away like some bad dream. And the people involved with it. 

She had not been a good friend to Debbie. And the other woman knew it. 

“I’m sorry about Daphne.” For a moment Debbie’s voice and eyes softened, and Jennifer was reminded of the understanding and compassionate woman she’d met twenty years ago. The woman who’d held her hand, had listened and helped. “She was a wonderful person.”

“Yes,” Jennifer nodded, thinking about Daphne’s smile and Daphne’s eyes. She had been a wonderful person. And thanks to her and Craig and her own parents she’d been living a lie for twenty years. Not that Daphne had seemed unhappy, mostly because she really loved Justin. But it had been a lie nevertheless. It was a sin, Jennifer would take to her grave. A sin that couldn’t be rightened. 

Jennifer straightened. Maybe she couldn’t make it right for Daphne, but she could damn well prevent another mistake from happening. “I … need your help,” she began, not missing the incredulity in Debbie’s eyes. She hastily went on, “And I realize that I haven’t earned the right to ask for it, but it’s not about me. It’s … about Jimmy.”

Debbie cocked her head, “Jimmy?”

“Yes. He’s my … He’s Justin’s son. The child-“

“I know fucking well who he is,” Deb cut her off sharply. After a moment she sighed, “He has to be almost twenty by now.”

“He’ll be twenty in three months,” Jennifer confirmed, wondering if they would still be a family then. Craig was acting like a mad man since yesterday, and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand by and see it happen this time. She forced her thoughts away from her husband and back to the matter at hand. “And,” she said slowly, “he is gay.”

Both of Deb’s brows went up in surprise, and if Jennifer wasn’t mistaken, in amusement. “You don’t say. Well, if that isn’t fate. How’s your husband taking it? Is he already trying to find a girl for his grandson to get pregnant?”

Jennifer flinched, even though she deserved the blow. “He’s not taking it well.” 

“Which has to be the understatement of the century,” Debbie replied on a snort. “God, those fucking homophobes never die.” She gave Jennifer a shrewd look and added, “And no, I’m not sorry for the pun.”

Jenn sighed, “I understand. But this isn’t about Craig either. I’m scared, Debbie. Scared for Jimmy, and scared that we might repeat the mistakes we … once made.” There. It was out now. On the table. Now it was up to Debbie to deal with it.

And the woman didn’t say a word for several moments. She just looked at Jennifer, her eyes bright and clear, and very knowing. “Craig is not the boy’s father. Justin is.”

“Yes. You’re right. But Craig … he’s not thinking clearly. He’s like this totally different person when it comes to homosexuals.” It was as if he wasn’t himself anymore. Jennifer couldn’t believe that the loving, understanding man she’d once married, the man she’d lived with, and slept with for almost forty years could become this total stranger in the matter of seconds. 

“What do you want me to do? Brainwash him?” Debbie leaned on the counter, her gaze intent. “He’s a homophobe, Jennifer. A fucking homophobe. He’s *not* going to change. Ever. The sooner you understand that, the better. It’s way past time to kicked his ass out of your door.”

She felt sick. Sick all over. Jennifer wasn’t sure if it was because she hadn’t eaten since last night, or because Debbie had laid the truth out for her. Plain and simple. Probably it was a combination of both. It was never easy to have someone hold the mirror in front of you and realize that you failed your own child. That you were a shitty kind of mother and that you weren’t there for him when it counted. That not only Daphne, but her own son had spent the past twenty years denying who he was. 

But, she forced herself to concentrate on why she’d come in the first place, this wasn’t about Justin either. “I don’t want to repeat what we did wrong with Justin.” She pressed the words past her throat, which was closed up in the worst way. Knowing your failures was one thing, putting them into words was entirely different. 

Debbie gave her another of those assessing looks she had down pat. “That’s good to hear. But will you come through when it counts?”

Well, she’d earned that, too. “I’m not going to repeat past mistakes,” Jennifer said firmly. “I’ve learned my lesson, believe me. Yesterday I looked at my son and I hated what I saw.”

Instantly alarmed, Debbie leaned even closer, “Is he sick?” 

Jennifer wasn’t quite sure why the woman looked so alarmed. It wasn’t as if she’d seen Justin at all these past twenty years. Yet, it seemed as if she really cared. Debbie might not be as sophisticated as Jennifer, but in so many ways she was a much better person. 

Finding concerned eyes still resting on her, Jennifer snapped herself out of her inner musings. “No, he’s fine. Well, as fine as one can be in his situation.”

Relief flooded Debbie’s features. “But he’s not happy.” And the woman was nothing but not perceptive. 

Nodding sadly, Jennifer sighed. “Not at all. And I hate it. I especially hate that we played a huge part in his unhappiness. Craig … manipulated him. Justin was only eighteen, a kid. And I stood there and said nothing.” Oh yes, the truth hurt. She just hadn’t counted on it hurting that much. It was as if stabbing a knife right through one’s heart. Jennifer actually gasped.

Debbie reached over the counter, touching her hand, “Are you alright?”

Jennifer shook her head, “No. But I’m not sick either. I just … took a good look at myself.”

Those knowing eyes filled with compassion for the first time since Jennifer had stepped into the diner. “Can be pretty scary, huh?”

“You have no idea.” 

“Believe me, honey, I have. I’ve been at scary places you can’t even imagine.”

Jennifer knew it was the truth. Debbie Novotny’s life had been anything but a fairytale. If one of them had lived the fairytale life, it was her. Unfortunately it turned out that her fairytale was a nightmare instead. And she was not anywhere near being a princess. And Craig had somehow turned into a frog on the way. “Will you help me then?” Jennifer asked, turning her hand and grabbing Debbie’s hand. It was like holding a lifeline. She wasn’t sure if she could do what had to be done, but she was damn well going to try. 

Another of those silences, Debbie was so good at, another of those shrewd looks. Then she sighed. “I’ll be done in an hour here. Can you wait that long?”

Jennifer nodded. An hour? She could do that. After all, she had twenty years of sins to atone for.


	7. A Married Man

Chapter 7: Having It All

Kissing Gus had been a mistake. In fact, Jimmy was sure it had been the biggest fucking mistake of his entire life and groaned, pulling his pillow over his head, trying to block out the bright sunlight streaming into the room through the huge Victorian window at the foot of his bed. The house was quiet, even though it was already ten o’clock and he wondered if he’d just missed his Dad getting up and leaving or if the old man had had a tough night as well. It wouldn’t have surprised him, thinking back to the confrontation with his grandfather and the way his father had stood by him, backing him up. 

Of course that wasn’t surprising at all. His Dad had always been there for him. After all, he’d left a man he’d obviously loved and married Jimmy’s Mom, even though he was gay, and had to know that he’d never be able to love Daphne the way a husband usually would. Okay, so his Dad had been eighteen and easily influenced by his own father, but still. 

And Jimmy also remembered all the little league games, the plays at school, the parent-teacher nights, the birthdays, the Christmases, and all the other ways his father had shown Jimmy how much he loved him. And Jimmy loved him right back. He loved his father’s open smile, the sparkling blue eyes, the humor that lured just beneath the surface, and his quick wit, always ready, always on top of things. 

Well, almost always anyway. 

“Nice to see you’re finally up.”

Jimmy almost jumped out of his skin when he heard his father’s voice coming from the doorway. Damn. He hadn’t even heard his Dad entering. Frowning, he looked at Justin, who held up a hand. 

“I knocked. When you didn’t answer, I decided to make sure you were still alive.”

Shit! Thinking about kissing Gus was worse than Jimmy had thought if he hadn’t even heard his father knocking on the door. 

“When did you get back last night?” Justin asked, coming fully into the room. 

“Try this morning,” his son groaned and closed his eyes once again, letting his head fall back against the pillow. “Around three.”

“Ah.” 

Yes, he loved his father, but that didn’t mean he had to love those ominous ‘ahs’. Annoyed, he glared at his father, “Just stuff it, okay. I’m fucking twenty years old.”

At that Justin chuckled. “I’m not trying to criticize you, Jimmy. But I’m your father and I can’t help worrying. Besides, you look like something a cow chewed through twice.”

“Gee, thanks. I feel so much better now.” Which he didn’t. In fact, he felt worse because his head had started to pound. Despite the fact that it was ten o’clock in the morning, he hadn’t had more than two hours of sleep, his mind racing with the remembered texture of Gus’ lips, but also with the shock and confusion he’d seen afterwards in his friend’s eyes. 

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Justin asked after a moment, his eyes full of concern. 

Not really, Jimmy thought with wry amusement. Not that his father wasn’t a cool guy. Because he was. But talking to your Dad about wanting to have sex with the son of your Dad’s former lover was just too weird. Way too weird. “It’s nothing you can help me with,” he said and ignored the flicker of hurt in his father’s gaze. “Really, it’s nothing bad, just private.”

“Ah. Well, in that case,” his father smiled slightly and turned back to the door. “Maybe you can find the strength to get up. Coffee’s ready. And I made eggs. And it’s just the two of us today.” 

Jimmy watched his father leave and sighed. He really wished he could talk to his Dad about the whole thing. Or with anyone, really. But there was nobody. And so he had to work through the whole mess on his own. 

Mess?

Well, yeah. It was a mess. At least in his mind. His thoughts were in utter chaos and he couldn’t see a way out. The mere idea of looking Gus in the eye, of facing the man he’d kissed and then run from had him color in embarrassment. Right now he wished the earth would just open and swallow him up. But alas, no such luck. No, he would have to face Gus sooner or later. He just wished he knew what to do. 

Should he call Gus and apologize for behaving like an idiot? Should he just pretend nothing had happened? Damn. He was on foreign ground here. Yes, he’d fooled around, fucked some guys, but this? This was new. 

First of all, he and Gus were friends, had been for a few months. And Gus wasn’t just a fuck, nothing about Gus was casual. Gus was, yeah, he was important. What had Gus told him? That you never fucked around with your friends. Not with people who were important to you. Because it ruined everything and then nothing would be left. People important to you were off limits. 

But now Jimmy had broken that rule. He’d kissed Gus. And not just some chaste, friendly kiss. There had been tongue too, the whole nine yards. And now?

“Jimmy? Are you coming?” 

Right. Breakfast with his Dad. 

Damn. 

He just wished Gus wasn’t Brian’s son. Things would be easier. Or maybe not. But at least he would be able to talk to his Dad about it. Unfortunately he couldn’t. He could only hope Gus would forgive him for being such an idiot..

*****

When the buzzer of his door went off a second time this morning, Brian wasn’t sure if he should open at all. Mikey’s visit hadn’t been as bad as he’d expected at first, but that didn’t mean he wanted to spend his day off entertaining people in his loft. Sure, it took his mind off things, especially off a certain blue-eyed blond, but the problem was you could never choose your visitors. 

“Yeah?” he asked through the speaker. 

“It’s me.”

And damn it all to hell. He should have followed his first impulse and ignored the buzzer. “Come up,” he said, pressing the button. 

It was just what he needed. Just the entertainment to make the fucking day perfect. Or his life, for that matter. Fuck!

He heard the elevator start up and, leaving the door open, walked to his kitchen to pour himself what had to be at least his sixth cup of coffee. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he took a sip, ignoring the rebellion of his stomach, the noise that told him that too much caffeine and no food wasn’t the required diet. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d be home.”

“But you still thought, hey, why not spend a day annoying the shit out of Brian.” Without turning he opened the fridge and found an open container of juice. It’s wasn’t exactly food, but at least it didn’t contain caffeine. 

“I need your help.”

“Yeah, and what else is new?” Brian didn’t even try to hide the sarcasm in his voice. They’d never gotten along, never even really liked each other, and the only times they had contact these days was over money. “How much?”

There was silence from the door. He heard the door close, then footsteps approaching the kitchen counter. “You think I’m happy asking for money all the time? You try raising two kids without a husband and then we talk again.”

So this was the way it was going to be. Alright. Taking a large gulp of juice, Brian put the bottle back into the fridge and turned around slowly. Narrowing his eyes, he snarled, “Maybe you should’ve thought about it before you spread your legs for Harry-the-loser. Or you should’ve taken care of your contraceptive prescription.”

“Oh, sure. Easy to say for you, Mr. High and Mighty,” Claire snarled right back. She looked awful, Brian noticed. Her hair was greasy and already graying, her eyes were blood-shot, her skin gray and unhealthy. “It’s not as if jobs are waiting for single women raising two kids on their own.”

“Oh, please.” He couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “Your *kids* are almost as old as mine. Maybe it’s time they got off their asses and supported their mother.”

“Yeah,” she hissed. “Just like your precious Gus.”

“Leave Gus out of this,” Brian warned, a dangerous glimmer entering his eyes. He had no problem dealing with Claire’s insults. But he would never allow for them to include his son. “Why don’t you ask Mom for some cash. She’s living pretty well these days off the old man’s life insurance money.”

Her eyes narrowed. “That’s just so like you. We’re sister and brother, Brian. You’re rolling in money. I just need a couple of hundred now and then.”

Brian almost laughed at her words. Sister and brother, huh? Somehow she only seemed to remember their relationship when she needed something from him, which nine times out of ten was money. “Save it, Claire,” he said, feeling tired and fed up with her. “I’m giving you the money. How much do you need?”

Air left her lungs in a woosh and he saw her knees almost buckle with relief. God, what a pathetic bitch. Not once had he denied her the cash. She knew she’d get it, but she always behaved as if he was the worst kind of brother on the planet. He should send her away just once, but unfortunately he could never shake off the whole family concept, even though there wasn’t even one blood-relative he thought fondly of. 

“Three hundred would be great.” She actually managed a smile, at least Brian thought it was a smile. The way her face contorted, he couldn’t be quite sure. “The car broke down last week and the garage says they won’t do it without me paying half the money in advance. You know I need the car.”

No, he didn’t see it. Her work was only two blocks from her house. She never went anywhere. Food was delivered. And it was on the tip of his tongue to say exactly that. But more than anything he wanted her gone. So he simply shrugged, went to his desk and pulled the check-book from his briefcase. “Whatever,” he said, and, nurturing the probably vain hope she wouldn’t come around for a while, wrote the check out for $ 2000. 

To Claire’s credit she didn’t as much as raise a surprised brow when he handed it to her. “Thanks,” was all she said, and shoved it into her pocket. “You’re a good brother.”

Maybe he was going to vomit when she was gone, but certainly not in front of her. “Sure. Have a nice day.” He didn’t even bother to look at her again. And he breathed easier when he heard the door open and close from the outside, wondering what would be next. If he was really lucky, maybe his mother would come by for lunch.

*****

“That was the best idea you had in ages.” Gus sighed loudly, closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of hot steam relaxing him completely. But even now, with his muscles soft and heavy, and sweat running in tiny rivers down his body he couldn’t shake off the memory of Jimmy’s lips on his, the soft texture of Jimmy’s skin, the silken strands of Jimmy’s hair Gus had run his fingers through during their all too short, but not less than intense kiss. 

“Yeah, isn’t it.” Hunter seemed relaxed as well. Even though Gus had known Hunter for about ten years, first as kind of a very young uncle, lately as a friend, the guy was still pretty much an enigma for him. A runaway teenage hustler until he was sixteen, he’d come to live with Ben and Mikey when they were still a couple – and he wouldn’t even touch that weirdness again. Ben was way cool, while Mikey … nope, he wasn’t going to touch that! 

Anyway, Hunter had come to live with Ben and Michael and after fighting off his bitch of a mother in a nasty trial, and after a lot of trouble with the authorities, Ben had finally managed to get custodial rights for the boy until he was eighteen. And a week before Hunter’s birthday, the adoption had become official. So now, in every matter of the law Hunter was Ben’s son, something Gus was sure Hunter was eternally grateful for. 

Gus had read a lot about abused kids and stuff for a while. They were supposed to have a lot of problems, none of which Gus had ever discovered in his friend. 

“Hey.” He felt a nudge at his side and, with effort, opened his eyes. Hunter was grinning at him. “Check out the guy over there.” 

Turning his head, Gus had no problems finding him. Nice pecs, great abs, clean shaven, slightly longish dark hair, smoldering hazel eyes, more on the slim side. In short, Hunter’s type. And his, if he was honest with himself. Great kiss or not, he was eighteen, and almost every good looking guy gave him a hard on. Still.

It had started when he was about fourteen and not comfortable about talking with his mothers, after all they didn’t have a lot of experience when it came to cocks. So he’d gone to his Dad, and in typical Kinney fashion, Brian had grinned at him and told him that it was normal. That he’d been jacking off all the time at that age. Then, on an afterthought, and with a wink, he’d added that not a lot had changed since then.

“Don’t you think he’s the hottest guy ever?”

Gus groaned and rolled his eyes at his friend. “Hunter, every new guy is the hottest guy for you.”

A shrug was his answer, “What can I say? I’m still young. So many men,” he paused and grinned, “ and women…” And laughed when Gus shuddered in disgust. 

“Man, that’s just so gross.”

“I just can’t believe you never tried pussy.” 

And wasn’t that just beating all? They’d come to a gay sauna to talk about pussy. Talk about shitty days. “No,” Gus said firmly, trying not to think about female genitals. “Never. And I’m not going to.”

“You sound like Brian.” Hunter nudged him again. “But he tried it. You’re here.”

Gus shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I have to repeat his mistakes.”

“You have no idea what you’re missing.” Hunter leaned back with a sigh. “They’re so soft, and they taste nice-“

“STOP!” Gus interrupted him, sure he was looking a little green around the edges. He met Hunter’s eyes. “Read my lips. I don’t want to hear about pussy.”

“Alright. I get it. No pussy talk. So, how do you like the guy over there.”

“Not bad,” Gus replied, leaning back too, and closing his eyes once again. “Nice abs.”

“Yeah. I’ll bet they’re hard as a rock.” He paused, and for a moment Gus wondered what was going on, when Hunter’s voice came back, a little more husky, “Talking about hard as a rock.”

“Hunter,” Gus hissed, firmly keeping his eyes closed. Maybe there was some psychological damage after all, because without having to look, he knew Hunter was stroking himself beneath a towel. 

“What?” came the strained retort. “It’s not as if anyone will mind.”

“Geez.”

“God, you’re such a baby.” A pause. “Mmmm.” Another pause. “By the way, you’re hard, too.”

Not surprising at all. Of course he was hard. Since last night he’d been in a perpetual state of half arousal, and listening to Hunter jacking himself off beside him, didn’t help. On the contrary. 

“Want me to take care of it?”

What the Fuck?!?

“What?” Gus eyes flew open, and he stared at Hunter in open mouthed shock. They were friends, but not once had Hunter indicated any interest in him. At least, not until now. “Are you crazy?” he hissed.

Hunter rolled his eyes, then grinned. “It’s no big deal. Just jacking you off. Geez.”

It was tempting. At least it was in a sick, weird way. And then a thought entered Gus mind, and his eyes narrowed. “Is that because I’m Brian Kinney’s son?” 

Hunter was looking at him, his gaze open, his expression one of complete surprise, and Gus would’ve almost bought it, but then something flickered through Hunter’s eyes. It was just a quick flash, something you would have missed in any other situation, but Gus had seen it. And he knew. 

“You are sick,” he said, standing quickly, keeping his towel in front of himself, not wanting Hunter to see his dick. He wasn’t shy, not by a long shot, but right now the situation was totally weirding him out. 

Obviously realizing that he’d gone too far, Hunter tried to back pedal. “Gus-“

“No,” he held up a hand and backed away. “No. I … I can’t … no … Just … stay away from me for a while.”

Sadness settled over Hunter’s features, and Gus almost felt sorry for him. It had to be a bitch, pining away for a guy who’d never take you up on your offer. “Okay. Are we still friends.”

“Sure,” Gus said quickly, not sure at all. “Friends.” He turned and without looking back again, he left for the showers. 

*****

Brian was freshly showered, dressed in his favorite leisure clothes, sitting on the couch, sipping from a cup of coffee, and reading the newspaper. Finally relaxed, he’d pushed Claire’s visit from his mind and was wondering if maybe a bad day could take a turn for the better after all…

… when the buzzer went off again.

For a moment Brian was tempted to simply ignore it, but then it sounded again, and it had such an urgent ring about it, he stood and went over, wishing the moment he heard the noise from the other side, that he could just turn back time, crawl beneath the covers and pretend he didn’t exist. He just stood there, listened to the elevator coming up, then stopping, then heard the door open and finally she came into view. 

She looked older, but still like the prim and proper lady Brian remembered. The lady who’d come to him twenty years ago and asked, no demanded from him to keep his hands from her virgin son. Her eyes had been cold and unforgiving, like the eyes of an avenging goddess, and Brian had never envied Justin more than he’d envied him that night. 

“Hello, Brian,” she said, when she came to stand in front of him. 

He stepped back, inviting her in with the movement. Then he took a deep breath, praying to every deity in the universe that his voice would sound normal. “Hello, Jennifer. Can I get you a cup of coffee?”


	8. A Married Man

“What do you mean, he tried to grab you?” 

Gus sighed and wondered if coming here had been his wisest move. The problem was, he didn’t know what else he could do. Talking to his father was out of the question. Not when he was part of the whole mess – albeit unknowingly. And his mothers? No fucking way! He was not going to talk to two lesbians about what had happened in the baths. That was just too weird. It didn’t matter that one of them had borne him, or that they both had been changing his diapers for years. Besides, Mel and Linds loved Hunter and he didn’t want that to change. 

So here he was, sitting in a pink room, on a pink bed, and was looking at a blond girl chewing pink bubble-gum. “Kind of, yeah.”

“Wow.” Ellie’s eyes were big like saucers, and she was staring at him with undisguised fascination. “Wow.”

“Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of ‘really gross’.” He was still totally freaked out by the whole thing. It wasn’t so much the fact that Hunter had made a grab for his dick – although with Hunter being his long time friend that was weird enough. The problem was that as long as he could remember Hunter had been trying to get into his Dad’s pants, and there was no doubt that his attraction for Brian had been part of the whole mess at the baths. 

Ellie popped her gum, and eyed him speculatively. “Not to sound like a very bad friend here, but Hunter’s kind of cute.”

“Yeah, well,” Gus said sourly, “that’s what he said when he talked about you.”

And sure enough, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. “He thinks I’m cute? Really?”

Gus was now sure that coming here had been the worst thing he could have done. He was so not in the mood to talk about Hunters’ and Ellie’s attraction for each other. “Yeah,” he snapped. “He thinks you’re cute. Maybe you can fuck him next time you meet, but can we concentrate on the problem at hand, please?”

She rolled her expressive blue eyes. “Geez. Chill, will you! So he made a pass at you – oh sorry, your dick. So what? I mean, think about it. Sitting in a sauna, all sweaty and hot. It’s no surprise men get ideas. I would get ideas.”

He snorted and gave her a meaningful look. “Sure. You’re still a virgin – or have you conveniently forgotten that tiny little tid-bit?”

“Not likely,” she shot right back. “It’s hard to ignore that embarrassing detail. And if I ever find out you spread it, I’m gonna kill you painfully. And coming back to your little problem – you are not a virgin, and one more guy making a pass won’t kill you. Okay, I can understand being weirded out because Hunter is your friend, but, gee, it’s not as if he’s dead ugly or something.”

“That’s not the point here.”

Again she rolled her eyes, “Then, what *is* the point? Or are you going to make me guess?”

Gus sighed loudly, and looked at her, “The point is that he’s been after my Dad as long as I can think. And now he grabs my dick, and I wonder how much of it was for me and how much was for Brian Kinney.”

She stared at him as if he’d suddenly sprouted horns. Then she sputtered, “You … you mean … Hunter and … your Dad? God, that’s … that’s … ewwwww!”

He had wanted her to be supportive, but seeing her face scrunch up in disgust when she talked about his Dad made Gus’ guts clench. “My Dad’s not that bad.”

“NO!” Her denial was instant and – thank God – genuine. “I didn’t mean it like that. Actually, I think your Dad’s kind of hot, for an older guy. But Hunter thinking about your Dad while he’s making a pass at you…” She trailed off and crossed her arms, “You’re right. It’s just plain gross.”

Maybe he’d not been all that wrong in coming here. “The problem is, Hunter’s my friend. He’s been my friend for a very long time. And I don’t want to lose him over this, but I’m not sure I can get over the whole thing. Plus, does that mean he’s attracted to me in *that* way? Because – so not interested here. I mean, sure he’s not bad looking, but he’s not my type.” Especially not now when all he was thinking of were Jimmy’s lips and that amazing kiss they’d shared. But he was not going to talk about that with Ellie. 

“Yeah, I can understand that.” She suddenly brightened. “Hey, but you said he thinks I’m cute. Maybe I could … you know … make sure his interest in focussed somewhere else.”

Gus gave her a narrow-eyed look, “Meaning on you.”

“Meaning on me,” she confirmed. “I mean, I think he’s really nice, plus I’m sure he’s experienced. For a virgin that’s important.”

“TMI, Ellie, TMI.”

Again that expressive eye roll. “Oh, please! You were a virgin once. Granted, it was probably a long time ago, but I’ll bet your first wasn’t with some fumbling teenager.”

“Actually, my first was a hooker my dad paid so he’d show me the right moves.” 

He saw Ellie’s eyes widen in disbelief, her lips forming a toneless ‘O’ – and burst out laughing. “Gotcha!” he shouted and barely avoided a slap on the head. 

“You bastard! I almost believed you. God! Just wait, I’m so gonna tell your Dad about this. Now, fess up. Who was your first?”

“You don’t know him. He was a guy on Liberty Avenue. It was three days after my sixteenth birthday. He was older – well, in his twenties I guess – and experienced alright. My Moms freaked when they found out.”

“And your Dad?”

Gus grinned, remembering Brian’s reaction. “He said it was way past time.” A few weeks later he saw his Dad with the guy he’d fucked that night and ever since then he wasn’t quite sure which part his father had played in the whole thing. Maybe the hooker joke wasn’t all that farfetched. 

“Your Dad’s really cool. I’m sure my parents will totally freak. My Dad’s such an old fashioned guy, and my Mom’s a prude.” 

“They’re not all that bad. They didn’t freak when you told them I was gay.”

“No, because they always want to be PC.” Then she relented. “Okay, so they’re not all that bad. But neither are yours, even though Melanie was behaving a little weird last time.”

“I told you, she and Dad have never gotten along. He’s like a red flag for her.” He hated talking about it, hell, he hated thinking about it. “Oh, well, nobody’s perfect I guess.”

“Nobody, except me,” Ellie replied, grinning. “Not even Hunter can resist me.”

“Not even Hunter,” Gus repeated her words, wondering where that would lead them. Hunter and Ellie – it was a disaster in waiting. 

*****

Ben knew something was wrong when Hunter waited for him in front of the University. The last time his son had waited for him it was because he’d totalled his car. But somehow he had a feeling that today wasn’t quite as mundane. The way Hunter averted his eyes and seemed to x-ray his feet, made Ben take a deep breath to brace himself for what was coming.

“Hey,” he greeted his son, slinging an arm around the younger man’s shoulders and pressing him close. For a moment Hunter allowed the affectionate gesture, then pulled away. 

“Hey yourself,” he said, and they started to walk together. 

The air was warm and Ben had walked that morning, so he assumed they were walking now. “Nice day,” he said casually, not quite sure how to start. Hunter could be pigheaded and Ben had learned early that he had to let his son come to him in his own way. 

“It’s for shit,” Hunter mumbled, kicking a pebble with is foot. “I fucked up, Ben. I fucked up badly.”

Ben sighed, wondering what might have happened. “What happened?”

“It’s about Gus,” his son said after a moment. “I came onto him.”

Huh? Ben felt air leave his lungs in a woosh. That didn’t sound very dramatic. “So? Gus is gay. And he’s no virgin either. It’s not as if you tried to seduce a straight church-boy.” Try as he might, he couldn’t see why something like that should be cause for such heartache. 

He reached over to touch Hunter’s shoulder, but his son avoided the touch. “Aww, shit!” he exclaimed and kicked another pebble. “I like him. I mean, I really do. He’s been my friend forever, and he’s good looking.” 

“I agree,” Ben said calmly. Gus was cute. And he would grow into a real beauty. Not really a surprise considered what kind of genes he carried. 

“Fuck!” Hunter stopped abruptly, and looked him. “The problem is, I still think his dad is hot. And when I came onto him, he wanted to know if it was because I was attracted to Brian.”

“Ah.” Okay, now it made sense. “I can see how that would put a damper on your friendship.”

“A damper?” Hunter looked at him as if he’d gone insane. “This is not a damper. It’s a fucking spaceship landing on an ant! Gus thought I was sick. He thought being attracted to him *and* his dad was sick. God, this is so fucked up! What am I going to do. I mean, we talked and he said we were still friends, but I have a bad feeling.”

“As you should,” Ben told him firmly, but kept a smile on his lips. “It was a shitty thing to do. You should have kept your hands to yourself, should have reminded yourself that Gus is a friend, which means he’s off limits.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Hunter defended himself. “We were at the baths, and, well, one thing led to another.”

“You mean there were special circumstances.” Ben felt his smile broaden. But they were walking again and Hunter couldn’t see it.

“Oh, come on! He was sitting right next to me, his dick hard, sweat pouring down his chest.”

“TMI,” Ben interrupted while he felt his own cock grow hard. Gus really looked like Brian and he suddenly remembered a certain White Party where Brian and he had fucked each other senseless for a weekend.

Hunter looked up and grinned when he saw his adopted father smile. “Getting a hard on, old man?”

“Shut up, Junior. If it helps any, I think your friendship with Gus will survive. Stay away from him for a while. He’ll soon come to terms with what happened.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.” Ben was sure of it. Gus would talk to Brian and Brian would set him straight. 

“Hey,” Hunter said, “how about some food. Em’s not going to be home until late.”

“Alright,” Ben agreed, banging his shoulder against Hunter’s. “Chinese. It’s my treat.” They walked on, father and son, not related by blood but by love. Ben knew that if Hunter had been his real son, he couldn’t have loved him more.

*****

She would have recognized him everywhere. Sure, he was older now, and there was nothing left in him of the defiant kid she’d once known, but Brian Kinney was still not to be missed. Just like he had been twenty years ago. 

Unlike before, however, he was now moving with distinguished grace, and she would bet that what quite obviously were his leisure clothes would easily cost the month’s salary of a waitress. She still remembered the hand-me-downs he’d worn twenty years ago and decided that Brian Kinney had come a long way from the scared boy who’d tried his best to hide all that fear behind a tougher than nails façade, and who’d never once averted his eyes when she told him he had to stay away from Justin for her son’s own good. 

Those eyes had followed her through many a dream over the past twenty years. 

And they were on her now, waiting for her to answer a question she couldn’t quite remember. Jennifer cleared her throat delicately and tried not to let her uneasiness show. “I’m sorry – what did you say?”

She watched his right brow come up slowly. “Do you want coffee?”

Coffee? “Ah … sorry, I stopped drinking coffee a few years back. Could I have a glass of water?”

He didn’t reply, but simply walked over to the fridge to retrieve one bottle of expensive French water and poured it into an equally expensive glass that was placed on a counter that quite obviously had been designed by one of the more famous. Yes, Brian Kinney really had come a very long way. 

Her lips dry, she tried to lick them, but her tongue seemed to stick in her mouth. “Thanks,” she managed barely and reached for the glass, thankful to have something to occupy herself to collect her thoughts, even though she already knew it was in vain. Her thoughts seemed scattered like a broken glass, the closeness of the man she’d once wronged so badly, making her insides clench and twist as if in pain. 

Motioning toward an Italian leather sofa, Brian waited for her to sit down, before he glided – there was no other word for it – onto a matching chair across from an octagonal table. Interlacing his fingers, he rested them on his lap and watched her with unconcealed curiosity. “So,” he asked after a moment. He seemed completely relaxed, nothing in him even hinting the slightest glimmer of unease. “What happened that I’m honoured with your visit to my humble home?”

Jennifer took another sip from her glass, before she put it slowly on the table, glad her hand didn’t tremble. She tried for a smile, “Not so humble anymore.” He didn’t react just waited her to reveal the reason for her coming. Time for the truth then. “I went to see Debbie.”

The left brow joined the right. “Is there a disaster I know nothing about?”

She closed her eyes, but quickly opened them again. “I’m not quite sure how to begin. I thought about saying sorry but decided that it wouldn’t be enough.” She stared at him, wishing for him to react in any way, but not really expecting him to. Sorry was stupid. It wasn’t enough, and years and years too late. 

The deep breath she took seemed to go through her whole body. But before she could say a word, Brian beat her to it. He leaned forward and resting his chin on his steepled fingers, said, “The answer is no. Gus might be my son but I’m not going to interfere in his life.” He straightened and his eyes seemed to bore into hers. “Not like other parents I know.”

Jennifer knew she had earned it. But it still felt like a blow to her gut and she needed a moment before she could sort her thoughts. “Gus?” she asked, confused. 

Now Brian frowned. “You didn’t come to talk about Gus and Jimmy?”

What? “Gus and … Jimmy? Do you mean our Jimmy?”

Brian rolled his eyes and sighed. “Gus is my son. Obviously he and Jimmy are friends, or so Justin told me.”

She jumped on the one thing that made sense to her. Everything else was just too confusing. “You met Justin?”

Something flickered through his eyes, something that reminded her of the boy he once was. “Yes, mother Taylor. I met your perfect son. Hope it won’t disturb your beauty sleep, but rest assured, we didn’t tear our clothes off. In fact, we talked like the grown-ups we are, and didn’t part on the best of terms.”

Jennifer sighed, “You had a fight?”

He smiled, but it was without humor. “I wouldn’t call it a fight. But I acquainted him with a few truths he needed to hear.”

“Truths?” That didn’t sound promising. Jennifer felt her heart clench, and couldn’t shake off the nagging suspicion that maybe not every mistake you made in the past could be made right. 

He gave her a look that spoke more than words could. It was so cold, it made her shiver. “Your truths, anyway.” Or maybe it matched the words, Jennifer thought. Her truths. Craig’s truths. Their truths. 

She looked at him, but realized quickly he wasn’t going to be any more forthcoming. Oh yes, she remembered him. He’d been cocky and arrogant for someone who didn’t know him, but the truth was that he was scared and so terribly alone, it made her heart ache. Yet, she had hardened it, had ignored the feelings that arose in her at his sight, had convinced herself that he wanted to use her son, her baby, her innocent darling. She’d allowed Craig to use her as a tool in his schemes. And she’d closed her eyes to reality. It had been so much more comfortable and much easier than facing off against her own husband for the sake of her children.

Not sure how to continue, she took another sip from water that seemed like acid in her stomach. “Brian,” she forced herself to say, “I know what I did is unforgivable-“

He didn’t let her finish. He surged upward in a fluent movement and turned away from her, slashing the air with his hand. “Stop right there.” He turned and faced her, his expression calm. “Look at me,” he said, opening and stretching his arms as if to model for her. “Do I look unhappy? I’m great, Jennifer. I’m a successful man, I have a son, there’s nothing I could wish for.”

So terribly lonely. Justin’s words from so long ago came back to her again. He’d described Brian to her that first night she’d found out about them. ‘God, Mom. He’s so beautiful it makes me ache, and so terribly lonely I want to hold him forever.’ 

“So you can just go back to your perfect life and leave me to mine. Don’t worry about Justin. He and I … it’s been so long ago, I can hardly remember it. I’ve fucked so many men, he’s nothing but a distant memory. That’s what I told him, too. There’s no need to concern yourself with poor little Brian, because he’s all grown up now and can take care of himself.”

Jennifer felt as if she’d been sucker punched by his words, and breathing had suddenly become difficult. “What,” she tried, but her voice wouldn’t quite obey. So she tried again, “What about love?”

His laugh was short and sharp. “Love is an overestimated concept. You’re what, sixty? And you still harbour the illusion of love? Maybe you should try growing up in my family. There you learn what life is about.” Again he slashed the air with his hand. “Enough of this shit. You came to say what you wanted. You’re sorry. I listened. You have my forgiveness. Now you can go home and sleep soundly.”

She knew he wanted her to leave, and she wanted nothing more, but she also knew she couldn’t. “Justin really loved you.” Somehow it seemed utterly important that Brian knew. Not only his heart had been broken twenty years ago. 

Something like bitter amusement flickered over his still handsome features. “There you go. Overestimated. What do you want me to say? Do you expect me to dissolve into tears now? Love means nothing, Jennifer. It’s something straight people use to fuck with other people’s minds. Love is bullshit.”

“Oh, Brian.” The words were out before she could stop them, but she couldn’t help herself. “I wish you could see how wrong you are.”

He laughed aloud, and this time it was genuine. “You are delusional, Jennifer. What? You love your husband? The man who threw Justin out of the house? The man who was not above using an eighteen year old girl to call his son to heel? The man who put himself above everyone else? You call that love? Thanks so much, but I’m far better off without it.”

“I’m not talking about Craig,” she replied, surprised how easy it was to accept the truth. “And I’m not delusional. All I can say is that we’re all human. Which means we make mistakes. Big ones, even. But does that mean we have to pay for them for all our lives? Don’t you see that with your attitude you hurt yourself more than everyone else?”

His eyes narrowed for an instant, then he snorted. “Let me tell you something. When I was seventeen and my parents threw me out on the street because I told them I was gay, I met this priest. He was one of those good-doers who hang out on Liberty Avenue to save lost souls.”

Obviously unsettled by the story, Brian started to pace the loft. “His name was Steve. I suppose he was around forty then. He told me that I couldn’t find peace because I was hating my parents. He also told me that I had to let go of that hate, that by holding onto it, I was hurting myself more than them. Thinking about it, maybe you could think about a career with the church.” He shook his head and sighed. 

“You should have listened to him,” Jennifer said, knowing with all her heart that it was the truth. She had learned it the hard way herself. 

He shot her another of those narrow-eyed looks. “But see, that’s just it. It was the hate that kept me going. Every time I had to take the cock of some old geezer in my mouth or let one of them stick it in my ass, it kept me alive, kept me from slashing my wrists. That hate made we want to prove them that their gay son could be someone, that he could achieve more than they could dream of.”

Jennifer wondered if maybe purgatory was like this. Maybe they would keep her there one day and make her listen to Brian Kinney talk about his youth. He really was a remarkable man. Why hadn’t she been able to see it all those years ago? Why hadn’t she been able to put her son’s welfare above her own? “And yet, you loved my son.”

Now Brian looked as if he’d been sucker punched. The sound that came through his slightly open lips went straight to her gut, and she knew that now was her chance, that for this short moment he maybe was vulnerable. “Justin never forgot about you, Brian. He didn’t talk about you, but I could see it in his eyes every time someone mentioned your name.”

“Stop it!” he demanded harshly, turning away from her, and wrapping his arms around his middle as if trying to keep himself together. “What is this? Are you trying to atone for your sins that way?” She saw him take a deep breath, then another. When he turned back to her, his façade was calm once again. However, his voice, when he spoke sounded incredibly tired, “Go home, Jennifer. Nobody can turn back time. You don’t have to save me.”

She shook her head, wondering if maybe purgatory had already begun. She wanted to stay and make everything right again, but realized that she couldn’t. Brian was right. There was nothing she could do. The past was the past. She couldn’t give Justin and Brian back what they once had taken from them. All she could do was respect Brian’s wishes today. 

She rose slowly, averting her gaze from Brian’s penetrating eyes and walked to the door. His voice stopped her. 

“When you came to me that night, when you told me to keep away from Justin, I was incredibly jealous.”

Stunned, she shook her head, but couldn’t force herself to turn around. “Why?”

For a long time he said nothing, then his voice was harsh, full of remembered pain. “I knew you did it because you loved him.”

She fled. Fumbling with the lock of the door she tore it open and, ignoring the elevator, she ran down the stairs, all the time pressing her fist over her lips. Only when she reached the street, she allowed herself to scream.


	9. A Married Man

It was the time early in the morning, just between dawn and day where you wonder if you’re really awake or still partly asleep. The sun wasn’t quite up yet, but light was filtering into the room through half-closed drapes and Justin was trying to decide if waking up would be doing him any good. 

But the decision was taken out of his hands when he heard familiar laughter fill the room. 

Fuck. 

“No,” he said loudly – as loudly as he dared not to wake his kids who were sleeping not too far way. “You are not here. You are dead.”

‘Sure I am.’ Again the familiar laughter, and did he feel some kind of funny breeze at his cheek. No. No fucking way. Maybe he was dreaming after all.

“Go away,” he demanded, pointedly turning in his bed and burrowing his face in the pillow. 

‘Tough luck, blond boy. You can’t make me disappear.’

Justin groaned before he rolled back and stared at the ceiling. “I’m probably insane. Driven there by my oh-so-loving father, right?”

‘Nope. Okay, yeah, it’s not that farfetched a theory, but no.’

“See, I knew you never liked my Dad.”

‘And you liked him far too much, if you ask me. He’s a shit. Sure, he was a great dad while you were a kid and that’s nice and all, but he’s made up for it by a long shot.’

Daphne had never really gotten along with his father. For all his father’s scheme to bring them together as a couple, Daphne never taken a liking to him. The problem was, she was only too right. It was Justin who’d clung to the image of his father he couldn’t quite shake off. The man who’d held him as a kid, who’d listened to him and taught him most of the values Justin cherished. It was so hard to bring that together with the man who’d been so unforgiving about his son’s sexual nature. 

“Fine. My Dad’s an asshole. How does that help me?”

‘Gee – can you be any more pathetic? Get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself.’

Okay, that really sounded like Daphne, who’d never permitted him to descend into self-pity. “Look, because you’re … whatever you are now … you seem to think you have all the answers. So, why don’t you just tell me what to do?”

‘Oh no, it doesn’t work that way. I can only kick your ass, but you have to get off it and do something.’

She sounded slightly pissed off and Justin had to grin, and for the first time since Daphne had died he felt it reach his heart. “I can’t just go and talk to Brian. You know what happened the last time. He practically threw me out of his office.”

‘He didn’t throw you out. You ran. Like some scared little baby, because in true Kinney-fashion he gave you some bullshit about your past. Did you really buy the story about him using you? I admit I wasn’t really helping at that time, and it’s something I’ve never stopped regretting, but I was there, remember? So if I’m not buying his defense line, why are you?’

That really was the question, wasn’t? Why was he buying it? Why had he run from the office believing every word Brian had said. And talking about Brian … “Hey, being a ghost and all, do you know why Brian’s limping. He tries to hide it,” and wasn’t that just typical, “but it was there.”

He heard something like a sigh. ‘I can’t tell you, I’m sorry. You have to find out that one yourself. Hey, how about some really great breakfast?’

Breakfast? Huh? “Uh … Daphne?”

Nothing. Only silence. 

“Daph?”

Again no answer. 

Justin sighed and rubbed his eyes. Maybe he was really losing it. Driven insane by his father. He chuckled and slowly got up. While walking into the bathroom, he wondered what Debbie might say if he just turned up at the diner this morning.

*****

“This is total shit!” 

Emmett Honeycutt, even though not quite as fresh anymore as he once had been, still proudly wore the title of Pittsburgh most colorful queen, and it hurt his ears to hear his long time friend, Michael Novotny, scream like a banshee when he entered the Comic Book Store at ten o’clock in the morning. Emmett was even more worried when the moment he crossed the threshold, a comic book came flying out of nowhere and hit a spot on the wall just beside his head. 

But if he’d learned one thing by being friends with Michael, it was always to keep cool in the face of disaster. “Whooopsy,” he exclaimed, fluttering his lashes as delicately as possible and fanning his face as ladylike as possible, “that one almost ruined my make-up. Be nice and try to aim a little more to the left next time, will you, Michael.”

The man in question flushed right up to his ears, and mumbled something unintelligible before throwing the next comic book into a box on the counter, glaring at it as if it was the devil incarnate. 

“Did we get up on the wrong foot this morning?” Emmett asked, even though he knew perfectly well what had crawled up Michael’s ass. Yet, he thought it wise not to grab the bull by his horns – or so to speak. Tiptoeing around subjects always proved useful in cases like this. Not, thank heavens, that Emmett’s life were full of said subjects, but there had been one or two tight spots in his life he’d conquered by not facing them head on. 

“Wrong foot, my ass,” Michael grumbled, throwing another couple of books in the box. 

Or maybe he’d gotten it all wrong. Emmett fluttered his lashes again, “Ooooh. Is Teddy withholding sex?”

The answering glare he received answered all his questions. “Ted can be such an asshole. Just because I’m concerned about Brian, which,” he shot Emmett another glare, “is totally understandable because we’ve been friends way longer than I’ve known Ted, he’s queening out in the worst way.” Michael rolled his eyes, “Geez, the way he’s acting, you’d think I was fucking Brian instead of just being a good friend. “

Emmett would never insist he knew what went on in people’s head – there had been too many mishaps in his life to prove the theory wrong – but he’d been around Michael long enough to know that if Brian had taken pity on his friend and *had* actually fucked him, things might be a lot easier. And Emmett knew Ted Schmidt well enough – after all they’d been lovers for almost a year in that totally misguided love-affair, and friends for as long as Emmett could remember – to know that Michael fucking Brian wouldn’t have unsettled Ted as much as the current situation. Ted might look like the proverbial accountant, but he was wise in the ways of life, much wiser than people gave him credit for. 

“Maybe,” Emmett said slowly, weighing each word, “he’s just concerned that you might … you know … get a little obsessed about this.”

Michael shot him an incredulous look. “Obsessed? Geez, you too? How often can I say it? I am not obsessed with Brian. But I’m his friend, and I was there to pick up the pieces when that little shit left him high and dry. It didn’t just break Brian’s heart, it almost finished him. You can’t believe the work I had to do to put him back together.”

Emmett sighed quietly to himself, glad for now that Michael was not really paying attention to him. His friend was still throwing comic books in said box and muttering more to himself than anything. Emmett didn’t really know what to say to not make things worse. Michael was already agitated enough and Emmett cursed whoever had brought him here this morning. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have anything better to do. 

There was Mrs. Biggins’ party he had to take care off, a ‘Grande Affaire’ as she liked to call it, where she would be hosting some 200 guests, and true to form Mrs. Biggins had ordered only the most exotic food, which was a bitch trying to get in Pittsburgh. On the bright side, Camilla Biggins never fussed about money and always added a nice bonus to the actual sum she owed. 

The problem was that Emmett felt kind of guilty because he’d spilled the beans in the diner and by doing so had gotten Michael started on the whole thing. Even though Ben had taken him in his arms and told him it was not necessary to feel like a total shit, Emmett couldn’t quite shake off the feeling that he was responsible for the distressed look he’d seen in Teddy’s eyes that afternoon. 

“Not wanting to sound cliché here,” he started slowly, trying to gauge Michael’s reaction to his words, “but don’t you think Brian’s old enough now to take care of the situation himself. I mean, sure, there was a lot of drama, but it’s been twenty years.”

“So?” Michael’s glare was unmistakable. Once again Emmett had proved his total lack of human insight and managed to put his foot deep into his throat. 

He tried to shrug it off. “Don’t get all worked up; okay? I didn’t mean anything. I just … you know … think that maybe Brian’s capable of handling the whole thing.”

That seemed to have hit a nail because for a moment Michael actually looked thoughtful. But then he shook his head and grabbed another comic book. “Yeah. Maybe. But I’m still his friend and as my partner Ted should understand what that means. *I* never have a problem with him being friends with you.”

Emmett decided not to point out that his friendship with Ted had nothing in common with the obsession Michael had with Brian. “And I’m very grateful for that. But maybe as Ted’s partner you should also try to understand his side. Teddy is a great guy, but he can be a little insecure. He’s been in love with you for twenty years, Michael. And he’s had all the time in the world to watch you and Brian.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Michael snapped, obviously not inclined to listen to reason. 

Emmett decided that he was the wrong person here, and changed the subject. “Listen, Michael, I didn’t come here to give advice.”

“Then why did you come?” Michael asked, keeping his attention stubbornly on his comic books. Emmett was still not sure what his friend was doing. He seemed to randomly throw stuff into a box, not really paying attention. 

Emmett didn’t really want to know, but he somehow felt he had to ask, “What are you doing?”

Michael snorted, and gestured at the box and the books, “I need to sort through stuff. At least I’m trying to, but it’s all for shit. I can’t concentrate at all.” Quite obviously he’d given up, because he took the box and put it on the floor, then straightened again and looked at Emmett. “It’s getting a little tight in here, so I thought I could maybe store some of the books. I even found a space, just the right size. But now I’m not able to focus on anything. Shit.”

“I’m not sure what to say now.” Emmett wished he’d never come here in the first place, but there was something he needed to talk about. “And anyway, Hunter is going to be 26 soon, and Ben and I decided to throw him a birthday party.”

For a moment Emmett thought Michael was going to ignore him, but then he blinked. “Hunter, huh? Damn, I almost forgot.” He shook his head and then grinned, “Can you believe the little shit’s been with us for ten years?”

Glad he was on safe ground, Emmett smiled, “Ben thinks we should have something big, you know, celebrating his birthday and ten years with us. Debbie is already in full party mood, talking about cooking tons of food.”

Michael rolled his eyes, “Gee – we’re all going to roll out of that party.”

“Except Brian, of course,” Emmett said without thinking then wished he could take them back. Damn. 

But Michael seemed not to jump on the opportunity this time, and Emmett released a sigh of relief. “Hunter’s going to behave like the little pig he is. You know,” his voice was wistful all of a sudden, “I miss him. I know Ben’s his legal parent and all, but we both took him in at first and he lived with us.”

“You see him all the time,” Emmett reminded him. It was true. Sure, he was talking to Ben more often, but he was a regular visitor at Deb’s and the diner.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. He confides in Ben. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that. But somehow I thought me and Ben would be his parents.” Michael shook his head and sighed. “Oh, well, that’s life, I suppose. When Ben and I got together, I thought that’s it, we’re gonna get old together. Then he got sick and I was simply praying that he’d stay healthy as long as possible.” Again he shook his head, “When everything fell apart, I couldn’t believe it was happening.” 

Not sure what to say, he was Ben’s partner now after all, Emmett simply shrugged. “It must have been tough.”

And as if forgetting all about Ben’s relationship with Emmett, Michael snorted. “You have NO idea. Ben was totally queening out about the weekend I spent with Brian. He just couldn’t understand that he needed me.”

Emmett turned away quickly, not wanting to start the whole argument anew. Contrary to Michael’s words, Ben had gotten it only too well. He’d finally understood that Michael would never be able to give up Brian for him. Not that Ben had expected for Michael to forget about his best friend, but he’d been hoping that maybe, one day Michael would understand that friendship was one thing, but that a relationship was something entirely different.

“If it helps any,” he said finally, turning back to Michael, “Teddy’s never been so happy before. He’s been in love with you forever.”

“We fit,” Michael agreed, then laughed slightly, “like the two old queens we are. And I think you’re good for Ben. He’s a great guy, you know.”

He was. And unlike Michael Emmett was not going to waste the chance given to him. “Yeah. So, are you in on Hunter’s party?”

“Sure. Count on us. I’m sure Ted will help as well. And now that we’ve settled that, I really need to sort through these,” Michael pointed at the comic books. 

Emmett took the opportunity and left the store, but he was frowning inwardly, and he just knew that nothing was settled and that the whole mess was going to bite them in the ass one day.

*****

Debbie almost dropped the plate when she saw him coming through the door. It was as if time had stopped and then been turned back. True, he had filled out a little, and there were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before, but she would have recognized that blond hair and those blue eyes everywhere. 

He looked around, quite obviously searching for someone, before his eyes landed on her and for a moment she wondered if he was going to smile. Then he seemed to think better of it and his expression was somber when he walked over to her, and slipped onto one of the stools at the counter. 

Not inclined to make it easy in any way, she raised a brow. “Missed your exit, honey?” 

“Hey, Deb,” he said simply, not taking her bait and she felt the bad feelings inside her slip away. 

The mother in her gaining the upper hand, she reached out and touched his arm. “I’m so sorry about Daphne.”

He looked at her solemnly and after a moment, he nodded. “Thanks. I should have told you personally and invited you to the memorial service.”

“Damn right you should have,” she agreed, but her heart wasn’t in it. “Did she suffer a lot?”

Shadows came and went through his eyes, “It wasn’t too bad most of the time. Meds have improved a lot. The worst part was watching the kids seeing their mother die.”

“Oh, honey.” Her anger gone completely, she squeezed his arm. “You should’ve come sooner.” Feeling her eyes water, she dabbed at them with her free hand. “Little asshole, we could’ve been there for you, you know.”

He chuckled at that, but it was shaky, “I know. I just … I guess, I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Which was only too understandable. Fuck, fate really had dealt those kids some tough cards. “Your mom’s been here not too long ago.”

For a moment Justin looked surprised, then he sighed. “I should have known. That’s just like her.” He shook his head and Deb became suddenly aware of the dark circles around his eyes. 

“You want some coffee?”

“No, thanks,” he declined, rubbing his eyes. “I had three cups already.” Without missing a beat, he said, “I went to see Brian.”

To say she was shocked, was putting it mildly. But damn, the kid always had had guts. “I gather it didn’t go all that well.”

He barked a short and unhappy laugh. “You can say that again. He practically threw me out of his office. Not that I can really blame him,” his head came up and their eyes met, “I’ve hurt him so damn much because I was such a coward and an idiot.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve all been cowards at times. And honey,” Deb squeezed his arm again, “it wasn’t just your fault.” She didn’t elaborate, but she knew he understood. 

“You know the weirdest thing,” he said after a moment, “Jimmy and Gus are friends, maybe even more.”

“You don’t say!” Deb exclaimed, not able to keep the grin off her face, and saw that Justin was fighting his own. 

“Yeah, so I went there to talk to Brian-“

“You did – what?”

He frowned at her, “I went there to talk to him about our kids.”

Debbie exhaled on a long, suffering sigh, “God, give me strength.”

Justin’s blue eyes looked bewildered. “What?”

“Men!” Debbie snorted. “Gay, straight, whatever – they’re all idiots!”

“What? What did I do?”

“Justin, honey. You haven’t seen him for twenty years and your parting wasn’t pleasant. You go there, and talk about your sons and you expect him to do – what? Take you in his arms?”

For a moment he simply stared, then he groaned. “Fuck!”

“Damn right,” she agreed. God, would those two never learn? Debbie could only shake her head. 

They looked at each other and then they both started to chuckle, and soon they were laughing together. When it died down, Justin’s eyes were solemn. “Where did Brian get his limp?”

She should have known that he’d ask, but Debbie wished she wouldn’t have been the one to answer it. “It happened a long time ago, honey.”

“Brian said it was an accident.” 

That was just so typical. Brian would never tell Justin. Ever. And he would probably kill her for not keeping her big mouth shut, but Debbie was convinced that Justin finally needed to know what really had happened all those years ago. So she took a deep breath and held his gaze, “It wasn’t. Your father did it.”

She saw it in his eyes, shock, disbelief, anger. “What?” he asked incredulously. “My …” he licked his lips, “my Dad? I … I don’t understand.”

Debbie sighed and once again touched his arm. “Maybe you should drink a cup of tea?”

“I don’t want any fucking tea,” he snapped through gritted teeth. “Just tell me what happened!”

Yes, that was the Justin she remembered, a smoldering volcano underneath all that blond, blue-eyed WASP exterior. “I never found out all the details, I suppose your dad and Brian are the only ones who really know. But from what I understand, Brian tried to see you one last time to talk to you, and your dad sent him away. Brian promised he’d be back and that he wouldn’t just let you ruin your life. So your father hired two people who beat him up.”

By now, Justin was chalk white. “They … beat him?”

“Sure. He lay in that fucking cold alley for a whole night before someone found him. Mainly there were cuts and bruises, but his leg was ruined. They smashed it, it was broken badly, and the knee ruined forever. For a while they even thought it would stay stiff. But thank God they were wrong.”

The arm under her hand was trembling, and so was Justin’s voice when he asked, “How did he know it was my dad who hired them?”

“The last thing they told him were best regards from Craig Taylor. A few days later your mother came to see Brian at the hospital. They talked for a long time, and when she left Brian was a different boy. See, even from his bed he’d tried reaching you, but after Jennifer had come to see him, he gave up. He fucking gave up and said we should just forget about you.” Debbie had always wanted to know what Jennifer had told Brian, but he had never told her. 

She hadn’t thought it possible, but by now Justin was even whiter than before, his blue-eyes huge and the dark circles around them very prominent. His lips were dry and his breath was coming in short gasps. “Oh God,” he muttered, wiping a palm over his face. “His … his scholarship. He wanted to go to college with a sport scholarship.”

“Never happened. But fortunately he is a clever bastard, and he got a scholarship for his brain only.” She squeezed Justin’s arm, trying to give comfort, but knowing there was nothing she could do to soothe the horrible truth. “He did well, Justin. He finished second best of his year.”

“I tried calling him,” Justin said, and Deb wasn’t sure he was talking to her. “Then I stopped. My parents told me that he never loved me in the first place. Especially Dad was only too happy to point out what kind of asshole Brian Kinney was, that he had simply used me and corrupted me and had only been after our money.” The blue eyes were tortured, when he added, “God, Deb, what am I going to do?”

Debbie looked at him squarely, pushing away the pity and the compassion and concentrating on what maybe could be done. “Sunshine, the past is the past. You can’t change it. The question is, what do you want to do now?”


	10. A Married Man

Gus knew the moment his father opened the door that something was wrong. He knew his father’s reputation, knew that everyone thought Brian Kinney was still drinking like a hole, but Gus knew that most of it was just for show. His father had stopped heavy drinking a long time ago, according to Lindsay the day he decided that he should be more than just a drop in dad. 

So when he saw his father’s drooped eyelids and heard the lilting sound of Brian’s voice, Gus simply knew that something must have happened – and it hadn’t been pleasant. He’d come here to talk to his father about Jimmy, about Hunter, to let Brian set him straight because his father better than everyone else knew what made his son tick and how to help him through the occasional tight spot. 

But not tonight. Tonight Gus had to remember that he was eighteen, not twelve, and that occasionally a son had to help his father, too, even though it was just by listening. Gus wasn’t sure how drunk Brian was, his father’s walk was almost steady after all, but however drunk Brian might be, Gus was determined to help him the best he could.

“Hey, Dad,” he said as cheerily as possible. “Had an early night.”

Brian snorted and staggered slightly as he slouched on the sofa, “Not likely.” 

Gus let that ominous remark slide and took a seat opposite to his father on a comfortable chair. “Can I have one?” he asked, pointing at the half-empty bottle on the table. 

Brian gave him a narrow-eyed look. “Want to become a drunk, too?”

“You are not a drunk,” Gus replied forcefully. “I haven’t seen you drink more than a glass as long as I can remember.”

His father gave a short, barking laugh, and as if to contradict his son, reached for his glass to gulp the remains down. “That’s not what they say.”

“Yeah, well, I know better.” Leaning forward a little, Gus looked at his father, “Dad, what happened? What happened to make you start drinking like this?”

“What happened?” Brian repeated and laughed again, a short and pain-filled sound. Then he shook his head and rubbed a palm over his face, “You shouldn’t have to do this, Gus. Go home to the munchers and have a nice night.”

“No fucking way.” Gus saw his father’s gaze sharpen, and suppressed a grin. Maybe it was time Brian understood that Gus was his son, in every sense of the word. “I’m staying. And I’m staying until I find out what the fuck is going on here.”

Again, Brian laughed, but it wasn’t as harsh as before. To Gus it seemed almost amused. “Geez – don’t let your mother hear that. She might sue me for corruption of a minor.” They looked at each other for a moment, then Brian sighed, “Gus, believe me, you don’t want to know. It’s not pretty.”

“I don’t care. Dad, you were there for me so often, maybe I could be there for you for a change?” Gus didn’t care that his voice sounded a little desperate. Hell, the situation was desperate. He hated that look in his father’s eyes, hated that Brian was hurting badly. He was determined to do what he could to easy that pain. 

“God, I’m a sorry case,” Brian said, leaning his head back and letting it rest on the back of the sofa. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, “I had blast from the past.”

“A … blast from the past?” That didn’t sound promising. There weren’t a lot of happy things in Brian’s past. True, Gus had not been born or too small to understand, but there were enough stories floating around and certain people of his extended family were only too happy to enlighten an enquiring mind. His uncle Mikey had been more than forthcoming, and Gus sometimes wondered if his bad feelings for Justin Taylor were due to that influence. 

Shaking off thoughts of Michael Novotny, Gus turned his focus back on his father. “Who?” he demanded.

“First Claire turns up – surprise, surprise to get some money. It’s nice to know all your family wants from you is hard dollars,” Brian said, shaking his head. He seemed to consider something, then opened his eyes, leaned forward and refilled his glass. For a moment Gus wanted to reach out and stop the movement, but then decided that one glass more or less really didn’t matter tonight. 

Instead he looked his father, “They’re not your real family. I am. Mom is. Debbie.”

“Yeah, well, Claire never lets me forget we’re blood relatives.” Again, he shook his head, “But that’s not important. I’m used it to by now. At least these days I’m saved from Mommy-dearest. After marrying that old geezer she’s more interested in living the life of the rich and pretty and doesn’t want to think about that queer son of hers.”

Gus had met his grandmother Kinney. And had disliked her on sight. There had been no warmth, no love and even the six year old had sensed that she didn’t think much of him either. Probably wondering if maybe the fact that his mothers were lesbians and his father queer was somehow showing. “It’s her who is missing out, Dad.”

Brian didn’t comment on that. Instead he took a sip from his drink, “Jennifer Taylor came to see me.” That seemed to remind him of something, because without warning he asked, “Is it true you’re banging Justin’s little innocent son?”

Gus almost choked on thin air. “Ah … no. We’re just friends, Dad.” Liar, liar, pants on fire, his inner voice chanted. Not after that kiss. There’s nothing friendly if you think of him now. 

Brian chuckled, “Friends, huh? If he’s anything like his father was I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t keep your cock in your pants. God, Justin was a hot kid.”

It was the first time, he heard his father talk like this, talk that way about Justin Taylor, and it rocked his world. Thanks to the stories from Michael, Deb and his Mom, all he had ever been able to think of was how Justin had hurt his father. The fact that they had been lovers, had been in love, somehow got lost on the way. “How long were you together?” he asked now.

“Three months, twelve days, seventeen hours,” Brian replied without missing a beat, without having to think, showing Gus more than anything that his father had never forgotten, not for a second. “God, it was hot. He was a virgin, and I – was not.” He laughed, lost in memories, good ones for a change. “I thought I was so cool, so world wise, and I knew shit. I was his first, and we,” he shrugged, a little embarrassed, “had it bad for each other. He came to Liberty Avenue to lose his virginity and I told my self I was saving him from some old pervert. Of course, it was a lie. I saw him, and I wanted him. Like I never wanted anyone or anything else.”

Gus had to smile, “So you got him.” He knew his dad.

Again, Brian laughed. “That’s what I told myself. But I’m not sure. He was standing there, underneath a street lamp, looking so hot. And he was looking at me. I supposed we got each other.”

“And stayed together.” Gus felt himself drawn into the tale, fascinated to hear it from his father, for the first time in his life. 

“Yeah. More or less. His Dad threw him out, so he lived with me. I was staying at this old hotel where I blew the owner to pay rent. Justin hated it. He hated that I had to sell myself, but there was nothing either of us could do, and I refused to let him do it. He even tried getting money from his parents, but of course that didn’t work. We were poor and it was a shitty way to live, but we were … happy in a strange way. And then his friend turned up pregnant.”

Brian reached for his glass and gulped the contents down. Gus saw his father shut down, saw the pleasure give way to remembered pain, and hated it. God, how he hated it. But for the first time, he didn’t hate Justin Taylor, because he’d also seen how much happiness that blond had given his father, even though it had been for just a short time. 

“Shit,” Brian exclaimed and stood, a little unsteady. “I need to piss.”

Gus grimaced a little at that, but stayed seated as his father went into the bathroom. Brian didn’t shut the door, and he returned only a moment later, his face a mask once again. He seemed surprised to see Gus. “You still here? Want to hear the pretty end of the story – only, it’s not so pretty, I’m afraid.”

“I don’t care,” Gus said, hating the tremor in his voice. He swallowed hard and forced himself to keep his eyes on his father. 

“Unfortunately I did,” Brian told him, sinking back on the sofa. “Justin’s father jumped on the opportunity and convinced his son that he had to do the right thing. Craig thought that he could un-queer his son – what an idiot. But it was Jennifer who went for the kill. She came to see me and told me that if I loved her son, I’d stay away.” He paused and Gus saw that his father had to gather himself. “Fuck. What was I supposed to do, huh? There was this woman, this mother who obviously loved her son and … She killed me. She fucking killed me.” 

Gus flinched when his father grabbed the glass and threw it against the wall where it shattered into a million pieces. Brian stared at it, then shook himself. “I never talked to him again. Until he turned up in my office a few days ago. And what does he want? He wants me to make sure you stay away from his son. Just like his dear old dad twenty years ago.” He looked at Gus, “But you know what, he can just go and fuck himself. If you want to fuck dear little Jimmy into next week, you have my permission. Fuck him, let him fuck you, just … don’t …” His voice broke and he had to take a shuddering breath. When he spoke, his voice was cool, “Just don’t fall in love with him.”

*****

Jennifer smiled at the unexpected pleasure of finding her son on her doorstep, but the smile slipped quickly when he greeted her and she smelled his breath. Justin, her son, her baby, was drunk. And not just slightly drunk, no, he had long left the slightly-stage and gone to heavily, stinking drunk. 

“Hey, Mom,” he slurred. “You look lovely. Sixty and still almost no wrinkles. Should make you happy.”

“Oh, Justin,” she said, and tried to reach out for him, but he evaded her arms and staggered into her house, looking around as if searching for something. “Honey,” she shut the door behind him, “what happened?”

He turned around, a little too quickly it seemed, because he started to sway. Jennifer made a grab for him, and for a moment they touched, but as soon as he was steady again, Justin let go of her hand as if it had burned him. Jennifer knew then that something bad had happened. She knew he had gone to see Brian, but that had been days ago. And he had seemed fine. Or whatever one could define as fine where Justin and Brian Kinney were concerned. 

“Where is he?” he demanded, ignoring her question. 

“Where is who?” she asked, for a moment confused.

“Daddy-dearest, of course. Or did he go into hiding as soon as he saw his queer son approach his straight, white, and oh-so correct home?” 

“Your father is at the club. He played golf today, and you know he and Brad are always having a drink afterwards.” Jennifer tried to understand what was going on. So Justin wanted to see his father. Why? “He’ll be home soon, I guess. Do you need to talk to him?”

She almost gasped when Justin turned and looked at her. This was her little baby, her favorite child, even though mothers shouldn’t have a favorite, she knew. But from the very beginning Justin had been special, she’d loved him like crazy. And her beloved son looked at her as if she’d just murdered his first-born child. 

“Justin,” she took a step toward him, but he evaded her by taking a step back. 

“No,” he shook his head, “don’t come close to me. Don’t touch me. I don’t want to be responsible for the consequences.”

She gasped, pain lacing through her. “Honey, what’s wrong. What happened? Whatever it is, I love you. I’ll always love you.”

He stared at her, and Jennifer felt herself cringe. “Love?” he spat. “You have no idea what that is. You are such a liar, mother. Such a fucking liar! You knew!” he shouted, his eyes huge, his face white. “You knew, and you never said a word. God, I hate you.”

“Justin,” she moaned. “You don’t mean that.”

He stared at her, cold, distant. “I mean every word. Just listen, mother. I. Hate. You. You are even worse than Dad. And he’s a monster. But he was at least honest. He never tried to sugar-coat what he was thinking. He threw me out of the house, he told me being queer was the worst thing he could imagine. But you, you took me in your arms, told me you loved me, that you supported me. I confided in you, and you betrayed me!”

“I never betrayed you!” Jennifer defended herself, knowing he was right, up to a certain degree at least. “I always loved you.” That was no lie. She loved him. So very much.

“Bullshit!” he shot back. “You went to see him and told him to stay away from me. You knew that he would listen to you because he admired you, he even liked you. Oh God.” He staggered back and put a hand over his mouth, the other over his stomach. 

“Are you sick? Honey, maybe you should lie down.”

“Don’t call me HONEY!” he screamed, his eyes blazing. “And the worst thing, the absolutely worst thing, you knew what Dad did! You knew he had those guys beat up Brian, you knew Brian was at the hospital because he didn’t want to give me up. You knew – and you never said a word. Why, mother? Because you loved me? God, what a laugh, only it’s not funny.”

Jennifer licked her lips. Her whole body had gone cold. She’d prayed he’d never find out, or if he did, it would be her to tell him the truth, but it had happened differently, and there was nothing she could do to change it. “Ho … Justin, I do love you. And I thought … I really thought then it was for the best. Daphne was pregnant, and … Brian …” she shook her head, caught up in lies, but knowing the truth, too. God, this was a mess.

“What?” he hissed. “What about Brian?”

She felt her shoulders slump, felt the fight drain away from her. There was nothing she could do, nothing she could say but the truth. It was way past time. Slowly she raised her head and met his angry, unforgiving gaze, “I made myself believe that he wasn’t good for you. I was shocked when I found out what your father had done. But it was so much easier to close my eyes than to fight him. So I agreed to help and went to him in the hospital. I told him that if he loved you he had to stay away.” A sob tore its way through her throat, and exploded from her lips. “And … and he did,” she managed, before she had to press her hand on her lips to keep herself from starting to scream once again. 

The worst thing was that Brian had believed her. He had actually believed in her love for her son. Oh God! Hearing him confirm her worst fear, making her sin even worse than it was, it had shattered her. 

She saw Justin turn away from her, saw him lean his forehead against the wall, saw his body slump. She wanted to go to him and hold him, but knew he would never permit her touch. All she had left were words, but as she was about to speak, the door opened.

Craig. Oh no, not now. 

“Justin?” Craig, of course, had seen his son standing against the wall. “Is something wrong?” His eyes flickered to his wife, and, taking in her distressed state, he stiffened. “What happened?” he demanded. “Justin, what’s going on? What did you do to your mother?”

“Nothing,” Jennifer tried to intervene. “We … ah … needed to talk.”

Craig didn’t buy it. He was an asshole, but he was far from stupid. “Talk? You look as if your mother just died. I don’t think so. Justin,” he said more forcefully, stepping closer to his son, “talk to me!”

He reached out to touch his son, and at the same time, Justin whirled around and without saying a single word, punched his father in the face as hard as he could. Craig staggered backwards, staring open-mouthed at Justin and holding his now sore jaw. “What the fuck?” he demanded.

“Exactly,” Justin shot back, advancing on him. “What the fuck. What the fuck have you been thinking, huh?” He put his hand on his father’s chest and pushed him back. “Huh? How dare you? How dare you hire two thugs to beat up Brian?”

For a moment, Craig continued to stare, but after another he recovered. “Brian? This is about Kinney?” Jennifer heard him laugh. Oh no, Craig don’t, she thought. Don’t do this, or you’re going to lose him. Then she realized Craig had lost Justin a long time ago, that whatever was happening now was just the consequence and would not change what had happened in the past. 

Craig laughed again. “So, I had two men teach him a lesson. So what? He’s just another fag who couldn’t keep his dick where it belonged.” The words were barely out of his mouth, when Justin swung at him again, but this time Craig evaded the hit, ducked away from it and stepped back. “Stop it, Justin. Stop this nonsense!”

“Nonsense!” Justin was breathing heavily, and Jennifer wanted nothing more than go to him and hold him. “Yeah, you’d think that. You are such an asshole!”

“Justin,” Craig roared with the righteousness that was so much part of him. Why hadn’t she been able to see it sooner? Why hadn’t she been able to protect her son? Jennifer felt like the worst failure on this planet.

“Fuck you!” Justin roared right back. “If it weren’t too late, I’d have you prosecuted for what you did to him. Unfortunately it’s years too late. For everything. There’s only one thing I can do.” He looked at his father, and for the first time Jennifer saw something like fear flicker through her husband’s eyes. “I want you to stay away from us.” His eyes flickered to Jennifer, “And you too. You are not welcome anymore in my house. Stay away from me, from my kids. If I should find out you tried to contact them – in any way, I will do what I can to make life miserable for you. You know I have the money and the resources. Times have changed and I’m sure it wouldn’t go down well with all your WASP friends if they knew how Craig Taylor deals with a son who isn’t quite what he expected.”

“You are insane. Crazed,” Craig stammered.

He wasn’t. Jennifer knew that, right now, he son was stone sober. “Justin,” she pleaded, “just … let me see the kids. I know you hate me, but I love them. And I promise I-“

“No,” he cut her off. For a moment he softened, “Maybe … maybe one day, but right now, no. And Dad, don’t underestimate your queer son. I can make life miserable for you. And I won’t hesitate to expose you to your friends if you should not honor my wishes. Don’t call, don’t write, just … disappear. Go on a cruise for God’s sake!” He turned and headed for the door. There he stopped and turned, “Oh, and Dad, if Jimmy decides to fuck Brian’s son – he has my blessings! I wish you a nice day.” With that he left and closed the door softly behind him.

“Can you believe this?” Craig said, as soon as their son was gone. “The little faggot hit me.”

“Craig, for God’s sake, he is your son!”

“That,” he pointed at the closed door, “is no son of mine.”

Jennifer wasn’t even aware that she was hyperventilating until she felt Craig’s hand on her shoulder. “Jenn, get a hold on yourself,” he said harshly. 

She could only stare at him while she tried to get her breathing under control. Who was this man? Who was this man who had stayed like ice under the onslaught of Justin’s pain. How had he been able to not break down and cry? “Oh God,” she finally managed, “what have we done?”

“We did nothing. We saved his life, his career. Do you think he’d be where his is now if they knew he was fucking men?” There was no remorse in Craig’s voice, no guilt. It was as if a stranger was standing next to her, as if she’d never before seen this man. 

“Maybe not,” she said as calmly as possible, while every fiber in her screamed murder. “But maybe he’d be happy.”

“Happy?” Craig echoed as if the concept was entirely foreign to him. “What has being happy to do with any of it?”

Oh God. Jennifer felt her knees start to tremble. Had her whole life been a lie. Had this man ever loved her? Or her children? Probably not. But this time she would not break. She would not back down. She’d done it once, but not anymore. “Justin is right. You are a monster.”

Now it was his turn to share, and for a moment, the fraction of a second, something flickered through his eyes, as if he was unsure of himself, was doubting his decisions, but it was just for a moment. Then she saw him straighten his shoulders, saw the shutters come down and knew he was lost. That they were lost. “We did what was right,” he said, but his words didn’t matter anymore. 

When he turned and headed up the stairs, Jennifer watched him. But she wasn’t watching her husband anymore, her feelings were dead, and she could have been watching a stranger instead. She wanted to cry but here were no tears left. She saw him disappear. Then she turned, took her purse and quietly left the house.

*****

Justin was staring at his face in the mirror. He saw familiar features, blond hair, blue eyes, a straight nose, full lips. He’d seen those things all his life, had seen them age, or rather mature, as his mother preferred to call it. He knew himself better than anybody else, and yet, it seemed to him as if he was watching someone he’d never met before. 

He had hit his father. 

Without warning, he’d placed his fist into his father’s face, and what was even more amazing, he didn’t feel sorry at all. Blue eyes stared back at him and they didn’t hold an ounce of remorse. 

Shouldn’t he feel guilty? 

He sighed when he heard the door bell ring. It was probably his mother, not able to accept what he’d told her. God, his mother. He still couldn’t believe she had known everything all along and had never said a word. But while Justin knew he would never be able to forgive his father, he was certain that forgiving his mother was merely a question of time. He had seen the remorse in her eyes, had seen that she was truly sorry for what she had been part of. And he also knew that she loved him. She’d been weak and had let her husband influence her, but Jennifer Taylor wasn’t a hateful person.

“Gus?” 

Justin heard his son say the name in surprise and, curious, he left the bathroom and walked to the top of the stairs where he had a good view of the area below. 

“I came to talk to your father,” another voice said from outside the door. A voice that sounded eerily familiar. It wasn’t quite as rough, or as deep, but it held the unmistakable Kinney-lilt. Gus. God, this was Brian’s son. Brian’s son! 

“My Dad?” Jimmy seemed surprised. “Uh … he came home just a few minutes ago. Why don’t you come in?” 

And there he was. Justin sucked in a sharp breath. God, he looked like Brian, too. Just like him. 

“I … ah,” Jimmy began, “thought maybe this was because, you know, because of the kiss.”

That seemed to rattle Gus a little, because his head came up and he looked at Jimmy. “Can we maybe talk about that later?” he asked. 

“Sure,” Jimmy agreed. “I’ll get my Dad then, okay?”

“I’m already here,” Justin said from the top of the stairs, making his presence known. “Hello, Gus.” He walked down the stairs, and held out his hand for the younger man. “I’m glad we finally meet. I’ve already heard a lot about you.”

Gus hesitated only a moment, then took the offered hand and shook it. “Hello, Mr. Taylor,” he said. 

“You told Jimmy you need to see me,” Justin went on. “Is something wrong?”

“Mr. Taylor, I need to talk to you. I just went to see my Dad and he was drunk and he told me stuff, and I-“ Gus stopped, quite obviously a little overwhelmed. 

Justin smiled at him, “It’s alright, Gus. Why don’t you come into the library with me. I’d really like to talk to you, too.”


	11. A Married Man

“Holy Shit!” Debbie could only stare at the unexpected visitor on her doorstep. “Is the world ending?” she asked, not sure if the fact that Jennifer Taylor was visiting her twice within the space of only a few days wasn’t a sure sign for the upcoming Armageddon. 

“Hello Debbie,” Jennifer said with a smile that wasn’t all that steady. “I know this is an imposition but could I maybe come in?” She laughed shakily, “I’m not sure where to go.”

Debbie shot the woman in front of her a narrow-eyed look before letting her come inside and shutting the door behind her. “Not that it matters, but people are barging in here on a regular basis, anyway. So, one woman more or less doesn’t matter. You want something? Tea?”

“I could do with a double whiskey.”

Debbie stopped and looked at the other woman again. That’s how it was, huh? “That bad?”

Another shaky laugh. “You have no idea. I think I just left my husband today.” Jennifer smothered her perfectly styled hair with hands and nails, Debbie could only dream of. And yet, strangely enough she didn’t envy the other woman not a bit. “I walked out of that house, and I have no intention of ever going back there.”

Debbie poured them both a double whiskey and placed one glass in front of her visitor. “Sit down,” she said, and seated herself on the old, trusted sofa. Brian had wanted to buy her a new one a few years back, but she had refused, insisting that hers was almost like part of the family. “And now,” she continued when Jennifer sat as well, “tell me what happened. Oh, and by the way, the guest room is empty, so if you don’t mind an old mattress and worn sheets, you are welcome to stay here.”

Jennifer’s smile was still shaky, but a little less desperate after she’d taken a sip from her drink. “Justin came and they had a fight.”

“Oh. I see,” was all Debbie said, but Jennifer understood nevertheless.

“So it was you, huh?” Justin’s mother took another sip – this time a larger one – from her whiskey. “I should have been me, but I was too much of a coward to open my mouth, too afraid I was going to lose him.” She looked at Debbie and her mouth turned into a wry smile, “Now I’ve lost him and my grandchildren.”

“That’s nonsense, and you know it. Justin’s not like that. Okay, so I haven’t exactly been around him all those years, but I’ve talked to him, and despite everything there’s a lot of the old Sunshine in him. He won’t stay mad at you forever. He loves you. Craig, however-“

“Stop right there.” Jennifer held up her hand. “As far as I’m concerned Craig can get lost and stay there.”

“Wow – when you end a chapter in your life you do it with the bang, huh?” Jennifer seemed like a mild-mannered lady, but Debbie had always thought there was a lot of steel underneath. 

“He is an asshole, Justin is right. You wouldn’t believe how he behaved, what he said. I’ve been married to him for 40 years, but I don’t know this man.” She ran a manicured hand through her hair, “It’s as if I were looking at a complete stranger. We have two children together, and I’ve loved this man as long as I can remember. I even,” she bit her lips, “stuck to him when he-“ She couldn’t speak any longer because her voice broke.

“Jenn,” Debbie leaned forward. “We all do stupid things for love, or what we believe is love. I’m going to tell you what I told Justin. The past is the past. You can’t change it. It’s only the future that’s important now. I’d say the same to Brian if he’d ever listen, the little asshole.”

“I went to see him.” Jennifer emptied the glass in front of her in one large gulp, and Deb knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. “Oh, Debbie, he was so sad, so terribly lonely, and … Oh God, isn’t there anything we can do?”

Debbie barked a short laugh. “This is Brian Kinney we’re talking about. Believe me, I’ve tried talking to him until my mouth was dry. He’s the most stubborn person I know. But you’re right, he’s lonely. The problem is, he’s never going to admit it.”

That was the problem with Brian. He could be bleeding to death and he’d still tell you he was perfectly fine. Debbie had seen Brian emotionally die in right in front of her, she’d watched his heart being broken to pieces, but he’d held his head high and kept a smirk on his face, daring the world to pity him. It was that attitude Michael admired and it was the same attitude Debbie worried over. Sure, Brian had been able to function, he’d even managed to gain a reputation, but she’d never stopped wondering how he felt when the door to his expensive loft was closed, if he ever stood at his huge windows dreaming of a life different from the one he led.

“Justin knew,” Deb said now. “He saw what we couldn’t,” she stopped for a moment, and a frown appeared on her face, “or wouldn’t. I still remember meeting this cocky, street-wise kid. God, he could talk like a street hooker, but I also saw him looking at my son. I just … didn’t want to believe it. Deb,” she looked up, “I was such a terrible coward.”

Debbie smiled at her, “For almost thirty years I told Michael his father was a war hero who died before Michael was born.” 

Jennifer’s eyes were confused, “Does that mean he isn’t?”

Debbie laughed, “No, he isn’t. Michael’s father and I went to school together. He was friends with Vic and I. After we slept together he left to see the world,” she paused for emphasis, “and to live the life of a drag queen.” When she saw Jennifer’s eyes widen, she nodded, “Yeah. Michael’s father is gay. But I had the hots for him, and that night he was drunk and didn’t quite know what he was doing. I never told him I was pregnant. And I never told Michael because I was ashamed. So, you see, there’s lots of us who shouldn’t throw the first stone.”

Jennifer smiled, too, but it was sad. “But you did it because you loved your son. I on the other hand-“

“No,” Debbie interrupted her quickly. “Well, yeah, I told myself that I did it for Michael, while the truth was that I did it because of my own ego. And because I thought he would grow up hating me if he knew.” She reached for her glass and sipped. “You want another?” she asked.

“I want a whole bottle, but I don’t think it would be a good idea,” Jennifer said warily. “Still, it’s not the same. You created a story, but you didn’t betray your son. Justin came to me, he talked to me, he trusted me with his heart and I,” tears slipped from her eyes, “used it against him. Daphne once told me that she wished she had stopped this whole nonsense. But she was eighteen then, and pregnant, and terribly scared. But she had more sense than any of us so called adults.”

“Daphne was a good kid.” Debbie had liked the girl on sight. 

“Oh, yes. I always loved her. And maybe that’s the reason I finally agreed to … take part in this charade. Because it was about her, too. Still, it’s despicable, Deb. It’s not the way a mother should behave. I feel like such a failure. And Craig – I can’t believe I was married to him for forty years.”

“Stop that,” Debbie chided gently. “Self-pity won’t help you. Neither will it help Justin. So, how about we forget about all that guilt and anguish, and try to find a way to help the boys instead?”

*****

Justin led Gus into the library, silently marveling in the fact that this was Brian’s son walking with him, that a part of Brian was so close to him after such a long time. Sure, he had talked to Brian, but close wasn’t a word he would affiliate with the conversation he had had with his former lover. 

“Sit down wherever you want,” Justin invited, giving the young man a friendly smile. “Do you want something to drink? Are you hungry?”

Gus, who had quite obviously been admiring the rows of books along the walls, blinked. “Uh … no, thanks. I just … I need to talk to you.”

Justin went over to the bar and poured himself a glass of Jim Beam, then joined Gus in the corner on two large leather seats Daphne had chosen a few years ago for comfortable evenings. “Well,” he said when he sat down and placed the glass on the small table to his right, “what do you want to talk about?”

“Mr. Taylor, is it true that you came to see my Dad because you want me to stay away from Jimmy?” Gus blurted out, then flushed. “Could I … maybe have a glass of soda or something?”

“Sure,” Justin pointed to the bar. “Just help yourself. There should be coke and some other stuff in the fridge underneath.”

“Great.” As if trying to escape an inquisition, Gus stood and went over to get himself a drink. 

Justin waited until the boy was back, then smiled again, trying his very best to put Gus at ease. “First of all, I want you to call me Justin. Mr. Taylor’s my father, and right now I’m not too eager to be reminded of him.” He gave Gus a slightly sardonic smile. “I’m not sure exactly what your father told you, but I never demanded that you stay away from Jimmy. I went to see your father because I wanted to talk about the fact that you two are friends,” he paused and sipped from his drink. Then he looked at Gus through lowered lashes, “or maybe more.”

Again, the boy flushed and Justin wondered what exactly his relationship with Jimmy was. Not that it really mattered. “We met at college,” Gus said, holding his glass in both hands like a shield. “And we liked each other.” His chin came up defiantly, in a way Justin had seen so often in Brian. It made his heart ache. “We kissed – once,” Gus added. 

Justin quickly raised his glass to his lips to hide a grin. “I see,” he mumbled before taking another sip. “But that’s not why you came, right?”

“No,” Gus agreed. “I went to see my Dad tonight. And he was … in a strange mood. He talked about you.”

His mouth suddenly dry, Justin had to clear his throat before he could ask, “He did?”

“Yeah. And he talked about the time you and he were together. It was the first time he ever told me anything. So far I’d only heard stories. From Debbie, from Mom, and from Michael. Mostly Michael talked about you.” He gave a wry grin, “You are not what I imagined.”

Justin could imagine, too. He and Michael had never gotten along. He’d never quite understood why. Yes, he had seen that Michael was in love with Brian, but Michael also knew that Brian had never returned those feelings. Justin had sometimes wondered if Michael had maybe felt threatened on another level by the relationship that had been developing between Justin and Brian, but before he’d been able to come to a final conclusion everything had fallen apart. 

“What did your father say?” Justin was dying to know, but was glad that his voice sounded calm, and not at all as desperate as he felt. 

Gus gave him another wry smile, “He gave me the exact months, days and hours your relationship lasted. That really threw me.” 

It threw Justin, too. Three months, twelve days, seventeen hours. Those numbers had been with him every moment of the past 20 years. But somehow he’d never thought that they had been with Brian as well. His heart gave a silly little flip-flop at that. 

“He also told me,” Gus went on, “that your father had two thugs beat him up, but that it was your Mom who convinced him to stay away from you.” 

Yes, and the relationship with his mother would never be the same, Justin knew. He would eventually learn to accept her as a part of his life again, but he would never trust her the way he’d trusted her when he still thought he could. He saw Gus waiting for him to speak and sighed, “Believe it or not, but that’s what I found out, too. Debbie enlightened me and Mom confirmed it.” Then he laughed, and strangely enough, it didn’t sound sad at all, “Tonight I did something I never thought I could. I hit my Dad.”

Gus’ eyes grew big as he stared at Justin. “Wow. I think my Dad could take me with his arms bound behind his back.”

The boy was probably right. “Brian always tried to be tough, but underneath he really was a big marshmallow.” Again, Justin had to laugh, for once, not thinking back in sadness, but in joy. Images of a much younger Brian Kinney rose before his inner eye, a boy who could laugh, whose eyes shone when he told Justin he loved him. And Justin knew without a doubt that it was true. Daphne was right, Brian’s speech that he had never loved Justin was nothing but an attempt to protect himself, and to lash out at someone who had hurt him so much, it had shattered him. 

Suddenly unsettled, Justin stood and walked over to the bookshelves. Twenty years he had thought about Brian, but he had never permitted himself to really think about what he had done to his former lover. Brian was someone who didn’t trust easily, and who – until they met – didn’t believe in love. Having grown up in a loveless home and with a brute for a father had taught him to toughen up at an early age, and to hide his feelings as best as he could. But Justin had broken through that hard exterior, had managed to find the inner core of the real Brian, only to trample on it when it counted. 

“Gus,” he said, longing for a smoke and cursing himself for being so weak. “Your father has every right to hate me. Yes, my father had him beaten up and my mother paid him a visit in the hospital, but it was I who treated him worst. They all tell me that I was only eighteen, even Debbie said it, but that’s no excuse. There is no excuse for what I did to him.”

“But,” Gus looked at him with big eyes, “wasn’t it your duty to marry her? I mean, she was pregnant.”

Gus was eighteen years old. And he had the mind of an eighteen year old, just like Justin all those years ago. “That’s what I thought, too, then. And my father did his best to convince me it was the right decision. And Daph – my wife – was so scared. I think if it had been another woman, and Daph had been able to think clearly, she would’ve set me straight.” Justin rubbed his forehead, his finger finding the scar underneath his hairline, “God, we made such a mess of things.”

“I’m not sure what I would do if a girl got pregnant,” Gus mused aloud. “I mean, I couldn’t see me marrying some girl and playing happy family with her.”

Justin couldn’t either, and he wondered how he could have been so stupid to think it was possible. Not that Daphne and he had done that bad. Compared to other couples their marriage had almost been perfect. They had always liked and respected each other, even though they hadn’t been lovers ever again. But there was also a very big difference between him and Gus. “I’m sure Brian would never do what my father did. Are you and he close?”

Gus seemed surprised by the question and Justin wondered if, maybe, it was a bit too private, but after a moment the boy answered. “He wasn’t around when I was a little kid, but once he decided he wanted to be my father he did a pretty good job. Yeah, I think we’re close. I can talk to him about things I could never tell my mothers.”

Oh yeah, Justin believed that. “I bet he got a kick out of the fact that you’re gay, too.” 

The boy laughed. “Mother wanted to kill him. Mom gave him all those evil glances, which is saying a lot. She is like you, you know.”

Justin felt a brow come up. “Like me?”

“Yeah, rich parents, good background, totally WASP. Mother is that Jewish, working-class broad.” Gus gave him a grin, “That’s what she calls herself anyway. I think Mom’s parents always thought she was responsible for Mom becoming a lesbian.”

“Ah.” Indeed, that sounded like his own parents.

“Yeah,” Gus grinned again. “Mom and Dad had a thing in college. Mom was wondering if maybe she wasn’t really a lesbian, and I think Dad was drunk that night. Or so Mom likes to tell the story. It seems Dad wasn’t all that pleased with the idea of having a kid. He paid for me, though, and helped my mom, but only after a few years he decided he wanted to be a part of my life.”

Justin was pleasantly surprised. Gus really was a great kid, and seemed to take the fact that his father hadn’t wanted him at first, with perfect ease. He also seemed well loved. And very smart. “Brian must be very fond of you,” Justin said, knowing it was the truth.

Gus flushed again, this time with pleasure. “He says I’m not all that bad.”

Justin had to grin, then got serious. “He always had problems talking about his feelings.” Only when they’d been together, Brian had let his walls down. Time and again he’d told Justin he loved him, that he’d never been so happy in his whole life. “Did he … I mean,” God, it was hard asking that. “Did he find another partner?”

For a moment Gus stared at him, then he laughed. “Dad? The guy with the ‘Charm-them-fuck-them-then-kick-them-out’-policy? I doubt there’s a guy he fucked more than once.” He blushed, “Apart from you, I mean.”

It should have made him happy, to hear that Brian had never fallen in love again, that he had been special, but all Justin felt was a deep and aching sadness. Brian had so much to give, and he so desperately needed to be loved, so desperately needed to be touched, and held. “God,” he breathed, trying to keep himself steady, “I wish I could change the past. But there is nothing I can do.”

“Maybe then, you all should try to look forward.” Justin’s head snapped around and now it was his time to stare. Gus shrugged, obviously a little embarrassed by his own boldness. “I mean, wouldn’t that be the best thing to do?”

“The best thing, huh?” Justin considered that, and continued to look at Gus who began to feel uncomfortable under the intent gaze. “You know, Gus,” he said after another moment, “I think you’re absolutely right.”


	12. A Married Man

“Mom, I need to talk to you.”

Lindsay looked up with a smile at the sound of her son’s voice, and as always she found herself filled with wonder at seeing that full grown man standing in her doorway. Tall like Brian with the same eyes, it seemed the only part he’d gotten from her was the slightly lighter shade of his hair, and his love for art, even though Gus tended to be more interested in its history than actually producing it. 

“Come on in, honey,” she said and he came inside, one corner of his expressive mouth turning up in what seemed like a half-smile but what Lindsay knew was more an expression of insecurity. “Why don’t you sit down?” she asked and pointed at a chair in the corner where she usually had people sit for her. The attic of the house was her kingdom, and Gus rarely came up to see her here anymore. As a child he’d been a constant visitor as the various portraits of him proved. 

“I’d rather stand,” he said, his mouth quirking up again. “This … ah,” he walked over to one of the big windows and stared out on the street, stuffing his hands into his pocket. For a moment he stayed like that, then she saw him take a deep breath and turned back to her. “It’s about Dad.”

For a moment Lindsay felt alarm, as if deep in her gut something wasn’t quite right, but then she calmed herself. If there were something seriously wrong with Brian she would know by now, wouldn’t she? “What about your father?” She was glad her voice was light and calm. 

“Two days ago I went to see him and he was drunk.”

Alarm was instantly replaced by anger. “Gus-“

“No,” he cut her off quickly. “It was okay. He didn’t know I would turn up. I didn’t call him or anything. There was something I wanted to talk to him about, but he was in a strange mood. He … he told me about Justin.”

Lindsay stared at him for a moment, not yet a man, but not still a boy either. Sometimes he amazed her by talking like someone a lot older, by showing an insight one wouldn’t expect in someone that young. He was a lot like his father, she thought, smiling at the memory of Brian Kinney at college, of a drunken night and a result she would never want to miss. 

When she’d informed him of her pregnancy he’d told her about Justin, and he’d also told her that under no circumstances would he marry her. He’d been brutally honest, even to the point where he confessed that he didn’t have one sliver of memory of their night together. 

Lindsay had screamed at him, accused him of letting her down, she’d thrown quite a tantrum, too caught up in a fantasy of fulfilling her parents’ wishes, of living the life of the rich, white and pretty, complete with a house, picket fence and two children, preferably blond and blue-eyed like her. 

Today she was glad Brian had kept an even mind, had not given in to her whining, because if he hadn’t, they would probably hate each other now. No, in the end everything had turned out exactly how it was supposed to be and she was glad that Brian and she had managed to salvage their friendship. 

“Mom?”

Lindsay blinked. “Oh, sorry. Justin, huh? Frankly, I’m surprised. He rarely talks about him – if ever.”

“Yeah, well,” he grinned weakly, “he was drunk, remember. Anyway, I had a lot of questions afterwards. So I … uh … went to see Justin.”

“You – what?” Lindsay was shocked. Maybe she shouldn’t be. It was just like Gus to face the problem head-on. 

“Well, what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to ask Dad, because he’s already hurting enough, and besides, there were questions he just couldn’t answer.” His voice turned pleading, “I needed to understand what happened. Me and Jimmy are friends, and it’s awkward to have all that stuff hanging over our heads all the time.”

Gus and Jimmy. It was a strange twist of fate that had led those two young men together. “About Jimmy,” Lindsay said, putting down the charcoal she’d still been holding. “I wanted to apologize for the way Mel treated him when he was here.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Mom. And it’s not me Mel needs to apologize to.”

Lindsay sighed, wishing her wife was a little less impulsive sometimes, and a little more restrained when it came to showing her feelings. “Mel loves you, Gus. She’s just-“

“Mel, I know,” Gus interrupted her, smiling wryly. “I love her, Mom. That’s not the point, and it’s not why I came. What I want to know is – how was Dad when you met him?”

She should have expected the question. This was Gus after all, the same Gus who’d completely destroyed his first automatic car, just to find out how exactly it worked. Still, she couldn’t help to be a bit startled at first. But after a moment she caught herself and smiled, “He was beautiful.” She saw her son blush and shrugged, “It’s the truth.”

“Geez,” Gus rolled his eyes. “If you start telling me he was hot, I want to remind you that I’m your son, and that Brian’s my Dad.”

Lindsay laughed. “Oh, Gus. You asked, and it’s the truth. It’s what I thought when I first saw him. I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. I’m so glad you got his eyes, because I always thought they were the most beautiful eyes on this planet.” Once again, she saw him roll his eyes and finally took pity on him. “Apart from that, he was nice, cocky, but terribly closed up. He knew he was gay, and while he didn’t announce it, he didn’t lie either. If someone wanted to know he told them the truth.” 

God, she still could see him, that lithe, yet muscular body, that cocky grin and those incredible eyes. And she would always remember the sadness surrounding him at all times. She’d fallen for him on sight, confused about her own sexuality, pressured by the disapproval of her parents, and their expectations, she so desperately wanted to fulfill, hoping against hope that it would made them love and accept her in the end. 

Brian had told her that she was delusional, that she should stop trying to please someone who so clearly didn’t deserve it. She hadn’t wanted to listen, hadn’t believed him, and it had taken her years, and Mel’s unwavering support, to realize that he’d been right from the start. 

Lindsay looked up at her son and smiled, “He was honest, brutally so sometimes, and didn’t take shit from everyone, still doesn’t. And I wouldn’t want any other man to be your father.”

Gus didn’t say anything to that. He turned back to the window and stared outside. Staying that way, he said, “I think he loved Justin very much. I always thought Justin was this evil person who hurt him. See, apart from you, I only heard his name from Debbie and from Uncle Mikey, of course.” He let out a laugh at that, but it was short and sharp, not at all happy. 

“Well, Michael went through everything with Brian. He saw what the break-up did to him. Maybe you should make a few excuses.” It was her own way of dealing with Michael’s animosity toward Justin Taylor. She had never met the man, but the mere fact that Brian had loved him told her that Justin couldn’t be quite the monster Michael tried to make of him. 

“Mom. I think I’m in love with Jimmy Taylor.”

Obviously it was the day for surprises, although it shouldn’t have been one. Lindsay had seen the way her son had looked at Jimmy, even though Gus seemed unaware of his own feelings then. “What brought that on?”

Keeping his back to her he shrugged. “I don’t know. He kissed me. We haven’t spoken since then, but I’ve been thinking a lot these past days and … he’s there all the time. I think of Dad and Justin, and Jimmy’s image pops up in my head. I dream of him, for God’s sake. If that’s not love…” He trailed off, and she saw him run a hand through his hair. 

She fought hard to keep the smile she felt out of her voice. “How does he feel?”

“I have no idea!” He turned around and the expression on his face was so comical, she couldn’t help but laugh. He stared at her for a moment, then hurt flickered through his eyes before he turned to the door. “Thanks for thinking it’s so funny-“

“No, Gus.” Lindsay stood quickly and reached for his arm. She was glad when he didn’t shake her off. “It’s not that. It’s just … I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. It wasn’t because you’re in love with him.” Helplessly she shrugged, “I’m not even sure why I did it. So,” she lifted her free hand and touched his cheek. “You haven’t talked to Jimmy?”

“No.” He shook his head, clearly miserable now. “I mean, he was the one who kissed me, but how am I supposed to understand what’s going on in his head. A kiss doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“Is that one of your father’s theories?” Again, Lindsay felt angry. It was a familiar feeling. For years she had been angry at Brian. First for not caring for his son, then for turning up in his life and messing up hers in the process. Okay, so that maybe wasn’t quite fair. It wasn’t Brian’s fault that Mel had a problem with his presence in their lives. But it had still been hard to feel torn apart between her partner and the father of her child. 

Gus rolled his eyes. “Not everything comes from Dad. If you must know, Debbie told me that. We talked about it when I was, I think I was fourteen or so. And she said I shouldn’t mix up a kiss with love. That kisses didn’t have to mean anything.”

Lindsay looked into her son’s eyes, “How did it feel?”

He tried to avoid her gaze, but she forced him to keep his steady. “Great,” his voice was barely a whisper. “I mean, he wasn’t the first guy I kissed, but it’s never been like that before. And it was just that one kiss, but I’m not able to forget it.”

“Then don’t. But talk to him, Gus.” She smiled, “Are you worried that the problems with Brian and Justin might affect you and Jimmy?”

He tried to smile back, but couldn’t. “Wouldn’t you? I mean, shit, they have all this history. Do you really think we have a chance despite that?”

“Well,” she stroked his hair, feeling the love for him fill her whole heart, “you will never know if you don’t try.”

*****

“Hey, Kiki, is the fucking sky coming down?” 

Brian rolled his eyes as he climbed onto one of the bar stools at the counter, shooting a cool look at the colourful waitress who was staring at him open-mouthed. “Keep your pants on, Deb,” he said dryly. Then, with a slight smirk on his face, he added, “Coffee, milk, no sugar.”

The cup appeared before the words were out of his mouth, and at his raised brow Debbie mirrored his previous eye-roll. “Some things never change. What brings you here? Did someone die?”

He took a sip from the coffee, and yep, it was still as putrid as he remembered, and replied, tongue firmly in cheek, “One could always hope, but no, not that I know of. Besides, if anything like that occurred, I’d rather celebrate than suffer the smell of old grease and stale smoke.”

He barely avoided the slap that was directed as his head. “Brian Kinney! She might be a bitch, but she is still your mother.” At his smirk, she sighed, “I know, I know. But, honey, she didn’t have an easy life either.”

“Cry me a river,” he shot back, gulping his coffee down and trying not think of what other germs he might incorporate with it. “She and her new husband probably bore each other to death anyway.” He could just imagine it. His step-dad was even worse than his mother. And in between boring each other, they could pray for their souls. Or whatever was inhabiting their bodies. Privately, he’d always been wondering if maybe demons had replaced his parents a long time ago. 

“How’s Claire,” Debbie asked after a moment, and Brian wondered where that sudden interest in his family came from. 

“Still torturing her offspring, I guess, now that her husband finally had enough of her. Oh, and spending those two thousand dollars she came for the last time.” He grimaced slightly and tried to ignore the taste of acid in his mouth. “Actually, she only wanted four hundred, but I thought that maybe two thousand will keep her from my doorstep for a while.”

“Brian-“

He saw the compassion in her eyes and a part of him wanted to run. Even after almost 25 years he didn’t know how to deal with it. Another part, however, desperately wanted to stay, to let her compassion and warmth fill the cold spots in his soul. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. He wasn’t sure there was enough warmth to chase the cold away. 

“Forget it,” he heard himself say. It was almost if someone else was speaking those words, As if an automaton was taking over, programmed to deny, to keep everyone as far away as possible.

“I’m not going to fucking forget that.” Not that it had ever worked on Debbie Novotny, of course. Sometimes Brian wondered if even laws of nature ceased to apply at being confronted with that kind of power. “Your parents shouldn’t have had kids to begin with.”

Tongue firmly in cheek, he looked at her, “Believe me, I’m still doing my very best to forget what it took for them to reproduce.” It was still hard for him to imagine his mother would let anyone touch her. There were moments, when he had flashes of memory of a smile and gentle hands, but Brian wasn’t sure if they were a product of his imagination. Gentle was not an adjective that applied to his parents. 

Gentle didn’t fit Debbie, either. But as colorful and loud and she could be, there was so much love in this one woman it touched everyone who came close. True, she could be overwhelming, but Brian wouldn’t have minded being overwhelmed sometimes. He watched her bustling with the coffee maker, then pour a new customer a coffee before she returned and looked at him.

“You saw Justin?”

Sometimes, of course, overwhelming could be annoying. “Where the fuck did you get that from?”

“He was here. And his mother is staying with me right now.”

And wasn’t that interesting. Problems in the house of denial? “Jennifer Taylor leaving the suburbs. The world really must come to an end.” He didn’t mind at all that his voice sounded bitter. Debbie wasn’t fooled anyway. 

“Asshole,” she chided him, but it was gentle. Maybe gentle did apply to her after all. “She left her husband. She didn’t tell me exactly, but it seemed something happened. Justin told his parents not to come near him or his kids.”

There was a strange pressure on his chest all of a sudden, and Brian sucked in a sharp breath, trying to overcome it. It eased a little, but it didn’t disappear, only slipped lower, settling somewhere around his stomach, making it squeeze uncomfortably. 

On the outside, however, he was cool. He let his left brow wander upward slowly, “So?”

“So? Is that all you have to say? This is a fucking earthquake.” God, she was outraged. With him, with them, Brian wasn’t sure. And he never more than now he wished she was his mother. 

“What? The Taylor family has a fight. Been there, done that. Believe me, they’re going to be all nice and cozy soon. This is nothing to lose sleep over.”

“Well, I’ve had problems sleeping lately, but I admit it’s not because of my father.”

Brian stiffened instantly at the voice coming from behind him, much too close for his comfort. He didn’t turn, didn’t acknowledge it, but, of course, it didn’t stop Debbie from screeching, “Sunshine! Honey, how are you today?” Seemed as if she had taken him under her wings again. Just as if nothing had ever happened. 

Brian fumbled with some bills and was about to throw it on the counter, eager to leave, when a hand settled on his arm. He wanted to move away from the touch, wanted to get rid of the heat it transferred through his clothes onto his skin, but found himself unable to. Instead he stayed perfectly still, for one moment not even breathing. 

“Don’t go,” Justin said calmly. “Please. I think … we should talk.”

“There’s nothing we need to talk about,” Brian replied stonily, “still keeping his gaze firmly on the wall. He was aware Debbie was close by, watching them, even hovering a little. 

“You’re wrong. And I’m not talking about Jimmy and Gus. They’re old enough, if they need our help they can come to us. No, I … I want to talk,” he paused, obviously not sure how to go on. “Can’t we just talk? We haven’t seen each other for a long time, Brian.”

And whose fault is that, Brian wanted to shout. He wanted to turn around and get right into Justin’s face, wanted to rage and scream. He wanted to ask why he had chosen Daphne, why he hadn’t been stronger, why he had his parents let influence him into denying his own self, up to a point where he pretended Brian had never been part of his life. 

He wanted to ask how Justin had been able to simply forget what they had shared, what plans they had made, and how he’d been able to fucking rip Brian’s heart out in the blink of an eye.

When Brian finally turned, nothing of his emotions showed on his face. He had worked hard on never letting his inside out, and he’d perfect it a long time ago. He slowly reached out and removed Justin’s hand from his arm, then raised his head and looked the blond straight in the eye. “I have a rule these days,” he said, his voice that of a stranger. “I only fuck guys once. It keeps life interesting and free of emotional baggage. So, see, I’ve had you. You’re of the past.” Then he stood, turned around and walked out of the diner.

“Wait!”

Of course, he should have remembered that Justin could be a little bulldog. 

“Brian, wait!”

“Didn’t you hear me just before?” Brian stopped but kept his back at the younger man. “I’m not interested, so fuck off!” He turned to finally walk away, hoping against hope that Justin would give up now, but he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. 

“I’m not going to do that, Brian. It’s way past time that we talk. There’s so much-“

“What?” Brian whirled around. “Your wife died and now you suddenly remember the stupid guy who thought you loved him once.” FUCK! Brian quickly turned away again, trying to steady his breathing, and feeling his control slip even more at the same time. He was going to lose it. He was going to lose it right on fucking Liberty Avenue. 

“No.” Justin’s voice was low, “It’s not like that. I know I hurt you, I know-“

“YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW A DAMN THING!” Brian roared, the pain suddenly too much to contain. “You went to live the perfect suburban life and you left me in the gutter! You used me and threw me away. You can’t just barge back in when I’ve finally managed to get my life back together. You,” he felt himself breathing hard as if he’d been running a marathon, “can’t do that.”

“Brian.” Justin’s voice was barely audible now, and there were tears in those beautiful blue eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Feeling tired all of a sudden, drained to the point of exhaustion, Brian took a shaky breath, “It’s not enough, Justin. Sorry doesn’t change a thing.”

“I know.” He saw Justin swallow, saw him fight to keep his voice under control. “I know that. I always wanted to apologize, but I now understand that it’s not enough. I can’t apologize for what I have done. But I want you to know that I *am* sorry, and that I’d do anything to make your pain go away, but I can’t. Because we can’t change the past. We can only try to live in the present and hope not to fuck up the future. Gus told me that.”

What? “Gus-“

“He came to see me,” Justin went on, smiling a little when he saw Brian’s shock at the revelation that he’d seen the other man’s son. “We talked. He is a great kid, Brian. You have to be very proud of him.”

Brain had to clear his throat, his emotions so raw, he felt like swimming in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. “He’s … uh … alright.”

Justin laughed at that, and Brian felt like he wasn’t just swimming, he was fucking drowning in the water. But Justin sobered quickly, “So, what do you think? You want a cup of coffee? Or maybe lunch? I know this Italian place that’s really good.”

As if he had lost any will of his own, Brian felt himself nod, and he didn’t try to think what might happen as he followed Justin down the street.

*****

The noise from the door startled Jennifer from the lecture of a book she’d found on Debbie’s shelf. She had been searching for something to keep her busy until she would leave to see a lawyer a good friend of hers had recommended, and had finally come across a story about a young gay man trying to find his way amidst all the obstacles family, friends and work were throwing in his way. 

Sighing to herself, and putting the book on the table, she stood and walked to open the door. She was prepared to send away whoever was waiting there, but nothing prepared her to come face to face with her own husband. “C-Craig?” To say she was shocked was a huge understatement. Her knees felt weak and her heart was like a jack-hammer in her chest. What was he doing here? How did he even know where she was staying? 

But before she really contemplate those questions, he pushed his way past her and into the house, sneering in disdain at what he saw. “God, how can you eat anything in this dump? Aren’t you afraid you’ll catch something?” 

Jennifer could only continue to stare. Who was this man? She had been married to him for as long as she could remember and he seemed like a total stranger. “How did you find out where I was?” she asked, because nothing else came to mind. She had spent evenings, nights even, talking to him, discussing their life, their children, and now it seemed unreal. As if it had never happened, as if she was talking about a movie, not her own life. 

Craig turned to her with blazing eyes, “How do you think? Ronald called. He wanted to know if we were really going to have a divorce. Can you imagine my surprise? What the fuck were you thinking, Jenn, embarrassing me in front of my friends like that? What’s that nonsense?”

She had been afraid of this confrontation. She’d lain awake most of the night wondering how she would confront him, how she would tell him that she wanted a divorce. All of a sudden, however, she realized it didn’t matter. Craig didn’t matter. She looked at him and felt – nothing. Even the anger was gone, replaced by something cold, something she had problems recognizing. She hadn’t known it was part of her before. 

She looked at him squarely, “I see.” And she did. Angela, the friend who’d recommended the attorney, hadn’t been able to keep her mouth shut. Her husband, the aforementioned Ronald, had of course called Craig. Maybe she should contemplate finding new friends soon. Focusing her attention back on Craig, she gazed at him coldly, “It’s not nonsense. I have an appointment in,” she glanced at her watch, “in about an hour. So I’d advise for you to make it quick, because I need to leave soon.”

It was his time to stare. Open-mouthed wasn’t a good look for him, Jennifer decided, feeling a petty kind of satisfaction. 

“Are you out of your mind?” Craig’s voice rose and she sighed. 

“There’s no need to shout. My hearing is perfectly all right, Craig, as you should know. And no, I’m not out of my mind. Quite the contrary. To be frank, I feel as if recently found it again.”

“You … you can’t mean that.” He was clearly taken aback. What had been expecting? A crying wife, pleading for his forgiveness? Maybe he was delusional on top of being an asshole. Not that it mattered. He was the past, and he would not be part of her future. Unfortunately he was still part of the present, so she had to deal with him if she wanted to or not. 

“Of course I mean it,” she told him calmly. “Your behavior toward Justin was despicable. And I’m not going to stand by and watch. I once chose you over him and I’d give everything to change that. Unfortunately, it’s not possible. All I can do is take care of the future, and it starts now. The sooner you accept my decision, the better.”

“The sooner-“ He shook his head as if to clear his mind. “I will not have our private life laid open for everyone to gossip over. I will not have all my friends laugh behind my back. If you really intend to go through with it, I’m going to tear you apart. Are you really willing to risk that?”

Was that all he was concerned about? Obviously Justin had been right to threaten his father the way he had. “No, Craig,” Jennifer gave him a cool smile, “the question is – are you? Are you willing to risk being ‘embarrassed’ in front of your friends? Believe me, I don’t care if mine know. I’m not sure any of them are real friends anyway. I have no problem exposing all those things you try to keep hidden, and I’m sure Justin will only be too willing to help.”

Again, he sneered. “Has there been a reunion already? How can you even look at him. Doesn’t he disgust you? Lusting after men!” Craig’s face contorted until it was nothing but an ugly mask, “And Jim. Both of them – perverts!”

“Like father, like son, is that it?” Jennifer was seeing a lot clearer all of a sudden, as if a curtain had been torn from her eyes. “Are you so angry because you wonder if maybe you’re affected as well?”

He laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jenn. We’ve been married for forty years. You never had reason to complain. I never refused to fulfil my duty as a husband. We have two kids, for God’s sake.”

“So?” She glared at him challengingly, “Justin has two kids, and I understand Brian Kinney has a son. That doesn’t prove anything, Craig. And as for your husbandly duty – I’m really flattered to hear you using that expression to describe our love life. It makes me feel all warm and loved.” Jennifer gave her watch another glance, “If that’s all, I really need to leave now. As I told you before, I have an important appointment with my attorney.”

“You’ve really lost your mind.” Craig stared at her as if he’d never seen her before. Good, at least they were even now. It was time for him to taste some of his own medicine now. “Do you really want to throw 40 years of marriage away?”

“Craig,” Jennifer sighed and looked at him. What had she ever seen in him? Had she ever loved him? She couldn’t remember. “You threw it away when you turned against your own son. I carried Justin in my body, he was a part of me, and he still is. You, on the other hand, never were. There really isn’t a choice. Now,” she forced a smile on her lips. “If you would leave. I need to freshen up a little before I can leave.”

He gave her a last long look, then he turned and without another word left Debbie’s house. Jennifer walked up the stairs and wished that she would’ve been strong enough 20 years ago. So many things would have been different.


	13. A Married Man

ï¿½So,ï¿½ Brian threw his keys on the small desk near his door, then removed his jacket and threw it on the near by sofa. He turned and looked at the man who was standing in his doorway, who had refused to let him escape all the way to his loft. ï¿½You trying to start a new career by stalking innocent people?ï¿½

Justin didnï¿½t move, but his mouth quirked into a small smile, ï¿½You stopped being an Innocent a long time ago. But to answer your question, I still want to talk.ï¿½

ï¿½You had an hour at the restaurant, and all the way over here.ï¿½ He didnï¿½t intend to give an inch. Justin didnï¿½t deserve it. But God, he was still so beautiful, it made Brianï¿½s heart ache, an organ presumed dead for years. And his eyes were still that bright blue that went right to Brianï¿½s gut, just the way it had twenty years ago. It was that blue that had made him throw his caution overboard and chance everything, stupid, gullible idiot he had been then. He was no gullible idiot anymore. 

Brian quickly turned away from that blue, and went to his designer kitchen. ï¿½You want something?ï¿½ he asked, pouring himself a generous glass of whiskey. 

ï¿½No, thanks.ï¿½ Justin ran a hand through his hair, and Brian was glad he wasnï¿½t the only one nervous around here. ï¿½Debbie was right, by the way,ï¿½ the blond said. ï¿½I had a fight with my parents.ï¿½

ï¿½Consider me stunned,ï¿½ Brian said with just the right amount of sarcasm in his voice. ï¿½What happened? Did you finally grow a back-bone or something?ï¿½

He saw Justin wince but forced himself not to care. It wasnï¿½t as if Justin couldnï¿½t take a little pain for a change. ï¿½I found out what my father had done to you. And that my mother came to see you at the hospital,ï¿½ the blond said, finally stepping into the loft and puling the door shut behind him. 

ï¿½Must have come as a surprise.ï¿½ Brian gulped down half of his glass and filled it again to the rim, ignoring the trembling of his hands. ï¿½I remember a time when Mommy and Daddy could do no wrong.ï¿½

ï¿½You are right,ï¿½ Justin said, and Brian could hear the tight control the blond held on his feelings. ï¿½It came as a surprise. Even though I learned a long time ago that my father was a homophobic asshole and that my mother likes to wear blinders, I never thought them capable of something like that. My only excuse is that I loved them, and that I thought they loved me. Turns out my father especially only loved his own idea of a perfect son.ï¿½

A perfect son. Just like Joanie had wanted Brian to be the perfect little altar boy, Oh, yes, he knew exactly how parents acted, but unlike Justin Brian had learned a lot sooner not to trust anyone, least of all his parents. They insisted they loved you, that all they did was out of concern and love, but love was bullshit anyway. And parents, like everyone else, were selfish assholes, with the considerable exception of one or two people Brian had met in his life. 

One of them was Debbie Novotny, colorful waitress and PFLAG-mom, who was the closest Brian had ever come to know the love of a mother. The other had been a once innocent, blond and blue-eyed boy who had made Brian believe in the impossible. 

Brian jerked himself away from painful memories and fixed his gaze on his visitor. Apart from the hair and the color of the eyes not a lot reminded him of the boy he had once known ï¿½ or so he told himself. Keeping his voice cool and forcing his best smirk on his lips, he rested his hip against the counter, ignoring the pain that shot through his knee at the movement. 

ï¿½Is that it?ï¿½ he asked. When he saw Justin quirk a brow, he added, ï¿½I mean, is that all? Because, I really have important things I need to take care of.ï¿½

ï¿½No, thatï¿½s not it.ï¿½ 

Brian felt himself jerk a little, surprised at the anger in Justinï¿½s voice, and mesmerized at the blazing heat in those blue eyes. Still, he held himself still, kept the smirk firmly in place, and let only his left brow wander up. ï¿½Too bad,ï¿½ he said. ï¿½Because Iï¿½m not interested in anything else you might have to say.ï¿½

He turned, reaching for his glass, but before he could grab it, he felt the touch of a hand on his arm, was pulled around and face to face with a Justin Taylor he had never seen before. Somewhere in the back of his mind a little voice told him that it wasnï¿½t all that surprising. He didnï¿½t know Justin Taylor, not anymore. 

ï¿½Let go,ï¿½ he told the blond, his voice holding a warning.

Justin quite obviously ignored it, and kept his hand where it was, firmly clutching Brianï¿½s arm. ï¿½No.ï¿½ The blondï¿½s voice was like fire under ice, like a volcano hissing and grumbling, just before it was about to erupt. ï¿½You are going to listen to me. Maybe you donï¿½t owe me that, but you owe it yourself. This has gone on far too long already.ï¿½ 

The hold on Brianï¿½s arm tightened even more, before Justin continued, ï¿½You selfish asshole,ï¿½ the shorter man hissed. ï¿½You think youï¿½re the only one who suffered? Yes, I married Daphne, I left you, I betrayed you in a way, but do you really think my life was all flowers and roses? Do you think living a lie for twenty years was the easy way out?ï¿½ 

Did Justin expect Brian to feel sorry for him? Well, he was in for a surprise. ï¿½You have my deepest sympathy,ï¿½ Brian said acidly, finally managing to jerk his arm free, instantly reaching for his whiskey and downing the remains in one large gulp. 

ï¿½I donï¿½t need your sympathy. I donï¿½t deserve it either.ï¿½ 

Brian stilled in the process of refilling his glass, almost shocked by the blunt reply. He wasnï¿½t sure how to react, but he was saved from it as Justin went on after a second. 

ï¿½I just want you to know that my life wasnï¿½t only sunshine. Yes, I love my kids and Iï¿½m happy I have them, but even though I loved Daphne, even though she was my best friend, I hated my life. And I hated hers, too. We decided to stay together for Jimmyï¿½s sake, then Daph wanted another baby and I agreed.ï¿½

Brian finally turned in time to see Justin shrug. ï¿½I jerked in a cup. We never,ï¿½ his nose wrinkled in a way Brian remembered. His gut clenched painfully, ï¿½I was gay, so we didnï¿½t actually have sex after the one time.ï¿½

Brian felt his brows wander to his hairline, ï¿½You want me to believe that you never had sex for twenty years?ï¿½

Justin gave a short, but unhappy laugh. ï¿½Donï¿½t be dense, Brian. Of course, I had sex. Just not with her. The same went for Daphne.ï¿½

Brian stared at him, not sure what to think, what to feel, not at all sure what to say. He sighed, ï¿½Fine. Is that your story? Iï¿½ve heard it now. Iï¿½m not impressed. Weï¿½ve been over for twenty years, and Iï¿½d really like you to leave now.ï¿½

Blue eyes stared at him, and Brian could feel Justinï¿½s breath, he was so close, warm, a little wet, and he felt his skin shiver. ï¿½Over?ï¿½ the blond asked, his voice sounding strange somehow. 

But Brian was feeling too unsettled by Justinï¿½s proximity to really pay attention. ï¿½Yes, over,ï¿½ he said curtly. ï¿½And now, get gone.ï¿½

Brian turned away, and expected to hear footsteps, then a door to open and close, expected Justin to leave. He should have known it wouldnï¿½t happen that way. This was Justin Taylor after all, the guy who never did what was expected. So instead of hearing the door close, Brian was whirled around for the second time this day. 

ï¿½Over?ï¿½ Justin said slowly, and Brian could see the other man was trembling all over. ï¿½You think weï¿½re over? Brian, weï¿½re so far from over you wouldnï¿½t believe it.ï¿½ 

And before Brian could respond, he felt a pair of warm lips settle on his own.

*****

ï¿½Honey, you look like shit.ï¿½ 

Jennifer managed a wry smile at what was probably the most honest remark sheï¿½d received in years and sighed loudly as she climbed on one of the stools in the diner. It smelled of fat and coffee and so many more things that probably were hazardous for your health, but right now she couldnï¿½t get herself to care. Two hours of trying to sort through her problems with someone who was a complete stranger to her had left her drained and longing for something sheï¿½d given up years ago.

ï¿½Can I have a coke, please.ï¿½ God, she would have killed for a cup of coffee, but she wouldnï¿½t start with this particular vice again. There were enough sins she had to atone for already. 

ï¿½Sure. A coke coming up.ï¿½ Debbie placed the soft drink in front of her and gave her a knowing look. ï¿½Was it that bad?ï¿½

Jennifer took a sip, still deep in thought, before she realized the other woman was talking to her. ï¿½What? No, Miss Carmody was nice. She even thinks I have a good case.ï¿½ The blonde lawyer in her expensive suit had smiled like a shark after Jennifer had finished her story, telling Jennifer like nothing else could that she was in good hands, and that Craig would soon know that his wife was more than just a nice appendage. 

ï¿½So, what happened?ï¿½ 

ï¿½Oh, sorry.ï¿½ Jennifer took another sip, hating the sweet, artificial taste running over her tongue, but the caffeine was already kicking in and that was nice. ï¿½Craig came to your house just when I was about to get ready. Suffice to say it wasnï¿½t pretty.ï¿½ She studied her soft drink, absentmindedly trying to read the contents. But the letters were a blur, and not even squinting her eyes helped. God, she was getting old. ï¿½Are you ever afraid to end an old, lonely woman with no friends and nobody caring for you?ï¿½

In response Debbie laughed loudly. ï¿½Honey, only every other second. Weï¿½re all afraid of ending up alone. Itï¿½s the reason so many people stick to relationships that are fucked.ï¿½ The other woman reached out and put a hand on Jenniferï¿½s arm, the warmth of her work-roughed fingers comforting like a motherï¿½s touch. ï¿½But maybe itï¿½s a lot more scary to stick to a man just for the mere comfort. Maybe youï¿½ll end up alone, which given the fact that you have two kids and grandkids is very unlikely, but youï¿½ll sit in your wheelchair with your head high, not feeling as if youï¿½ve thrown your life away for someone who doesnï¿½t deserve it.ï¿½

Jennifer had to laugh at that, but she shook her head. ï¿½No offense, Debbie, but thatï¿½s not very comforting.ï¿½

 

The waitress sighed. ï¿½Maybe not, but sometimes you have to choose the lesser evil. Sometimes thereï¿½s no good and bad. just bad and worse. I know you and Justin had a fall-out, but he loves you. Heï¿½ll be back.ï¿½

Jennifer wished she could be so sure. ï¿½You werenï¿½t there, Debbie. We hurt him so much. I failed my son in a way no mother should. Instead of standing up for him, supporting him, I preferred to stick to the comfortable life at my husbandï¿½s side. You really think he can forgive that kind of betrayal?ï¿½ She didnï¿½t believe it possible, not deep inside, in her heart where it felt as if a hole had been ripped into tissue, as if a part of it was missing. 

ï¿½Never underestimate a childï¿½s love, Jennifer.ï¿½ Debbie gave her a smile. ï¿½They can forgive a lot of things. Believe me, I know.ï¿½

Jennifer wasnï¿½t so sure. ï¿½You never betrayed Michael like that.ï¿½

ï¿½Maybe not,ï¿½ the waitress agreed. ï¿½But he forgave me that I lied to him about his father until he was thirty. I think thatï¿½s a big one, too.ï¿½

The other woman frowned a little, ï¿½His father? But I thought he was some war-hero-ï¿½

ï¿½No,ï¿½ Debbie cut her off. ï¿½Thatï¿½s what I told Michael, and everyone else, I even managed to convince myself after a while. But the truth is, Michaelï¿½s father was a friend of Vicï¿½s and I in high school. We spent one night together and then he went off to be what he really was, a transvestite singer.ï¿½

Jennifer knew her eyes were huge, but she didnï¿½t care. ï¿½You mean-ï¿½

ï¿½Yeah, heï¿½s gay. The biggest Queen there is. Always was. But I practically threw myself at him, and he was only eighteen. He left town after graduation, never knowing that heï¿½d left me a little something.ï¿½ She laughed, short and loud, ï¿½Well, not so little anymore these days. Anyway, Michael was hurt. And rightfully so. But he managed to forgive me.ï¿½

ï¿½Yes, but unlike you, I took twenty years of Justinï¿½s life by denying him the support he so desperately needed then. Craig always insisted that Justin made the decision himself, but he was a teenager, confused and scared and it was Daphne, a girl he deeply cared for. He felt responsible.ï¿½ She could still remember her sonï¿½s eyes, the way heï¿½d looked at her, wanting her to stand by him, to help him. And instead of being his mother, sheï¿½d been Craigï¿½s wife and turned her head away. 

She heard Debbie sigh and saw her shake her head. ï¿½He is angry now,ï¿½ Debbie agreed. ï¿½But maybe if things mend a little, heï¿½ll come around.ï¿½ 

For the life of her, Jennifer wished she knew what the smile on Debbieï¿½s face was supposed to mean. But somehow she knew the other woman wouldnï¿½t tell. Maybe Debbie knew something Jennifer didnï¿½t. But what could it be? ï¿½How could they mend?ï¿½ she asked. ï¿½Itï¿½s not as if we can turn back time. Brian isnï¿½t the boy he was once. Heï¿½s a very angry man. A man who has buried his pain deep. I never saw anyone more hurt.ï¿½ She ran a hand through her hair, hating herself in a way sheï¿½d never thought possible. 

Darkness flickered through Debbieï¿½s eyes. ï¿½Brian. God, that kid has been through some heavy shit. Some days I wonder how he keeps functioning. I supposed itï¿½s Gus. He needed a while to accept his son, but as soon as he embraced the concept of being a father he did it with all his heart. And Gus is so much like him, minus the abuse, thank God. Sometimes I look at him and I feel like crying because he is what Brian might have been.ï¿½ 

Taking a deep breath, Debbie suddenly stopped her little monologue, and patted Jenniferï¿½s arm. ï¿½And yes, losing Justin was a large part of it, but believe me, Brian was damaged a long time before he met your son. His parents should be beat up and quartered for what they did to their kids. Clair didnï¿½t come out unscathed either. None of them ever should have had kids. Joan Kinney is a cold bitch and Jack.ï¿½ She clucked her tongue and shook her head, ï¿½Letï¿½s just say I hope eternal damnation truly exists.ï¿½

She could tell Deb a lot about eternal damnation, Jennifer thought. She had seen it in Justinï¿½s eyes, and she had felt it in herself when sheï¿½d looked at Craig only a few hours ago. ï¿½When did he die?ï¿½ she asked, wondering what had happened to Brian since that day sheï¿½d seen him at the hospital. 

ï¿½Around Brianï¿½s thirtieth birthday,ï¿½ Debbie answered. ï¿½Lung cancer. If you ask me, he got off easy. I wanted him to suffer. But it was over quickly. Just a few months. Michael went with Brian. He told me Brian laid Jack to rest, whatever the fuck that means.ï¿½ She shrugged, ï¿½Whatever happened, Brian never talked about him again.ï¿½

ï¿½And his mother?ï¿½

ï¿½You mean apart from the fact that she accused her own son of molesting her grand-son?ï¿½ Debbie nodded when Jennifer gasped. ï¿½Thanks to a friend of ours they found out it was all a big lie, but Joan was only too ready to believe it. Of course, Brian is gay so he likes to fuck kids, right? God, that woman doesnï¿½t deserve to be called a mother. And when Brian was sick she told him it was all Godï¿½s plan, that it was His way of trying to show Brian the right way.ï¿½ Debbie rolled her expressive eyes and looked at the soft-drink in Jenniferï¿½s hands. ï¿½Want another?ï¿½

ï¿½No, thanks. I hate this sweet stuff. What about Brianï¿½s sister?ï¿½

ï¿½Claireï¿½s a bitch, too. And her sons are even worse. Little assholes, really. Gus detests them. He insists that John, the older one, is nothing but a bad closet case. Strange as it may sound, Brianï¿½s the only one who isnï¿½t a total asshole, whatever that means.ï¿½ She finished her statement with a deep sigh, then turned and poured herself a cup of coffee. Looking back at Jennifer she asked, ï¿½You want one.ï¿½

Jennifer hesitated for a moment, then nodded. ï¿½Bring it on.ï¿½ In the great scheme of things, one vice more or less really wasnï¿½t something to dwell on.

*****

ï¿½Fuck, I need a cigarette ï¿½ bad.ï¿½

Justin heard a chuckle from close by but he felt too relaxed and too weak to even contemplate opening his eyes. The chuckle was soon followed by a lazy voice that went right to his groin. ï¿½Be my guest.ï¿½

Justin sighed and wished heï¿½d never given up that particular vice. ï¿½Unfortunately I gave up smoking a few years back. After Daphne was diagnosed our daughter developed severe anxiety about her parentsï¿½ health.ï¿½ 

Another chuckle followed and Justin finally managed to open one eye. As expected he found Brian lying next to him, drawing from a half smoked cigarette, lean body relaxed and sated, glowing almost eerie in the remaining light of the dying day. Not even the scars that marred the left knee could destroy the image of almost painful perfection. 

ï¿½Did you fuck around on her all the time?ï¿½ 

For a moment Justin wanted to snap at but he also knew that it was hurt that had Brian talking, remembered only too well how Brian had used crude language as a defense. Justin also thought of Daphne and knew sheï¿½d probably laugh at the question. ï¿½As I never had sex with her again after that one time, I had to find my release somewhere else.. Our daughter was conceived through artificial insemination, as I told you before.ï¿½

ï¿½Christ, what a life.ï¿½ Justin winced at the disgust he recognized easily. Yet, there wasnï¿½t a thing he could say. Brian was right, Justin had told himself the very same thing again and again. He saw Brian rub his forehead just above his right brow. ï¿½There was a time when I thought you were the most honest person I knew. Seems a lot of things have changed.ï¿½ The words were followed by a drag from the cigarette and the smoke was floating in Justinï¿½s direction.

The pain was instant and deep but it was nothing new and Justin took it in stride. He let his head fall against the pillow. ï¿½Yeah, well, shit happens.ï¿½

ï¿½Like us fucking each others brains out instead of you leaving me alone?ï¿½ Justin was surprised at the amusement he could identify in Brianï¿½s voice. 

But he welcomed it and maybe he could use it to his own advantage. ï¿½I wanted to fuck your brains out the moment I saw you in your office.ï¿½ 

Again, he heard Brian chuckle. ï¿½You and the rest of this burgh.ï¿½ 

ï¿½Did you really fuck every guy in Pittsburgh?ï¿½ It was a strangely fascinating concept, something Justin couldnï¿½t quite wrap his mind around. 

ï¿½Maybe not every guy. I mean, there are new guys here all the time, but yeah, Iï¿½ve been busy.ï¿½ There was a long pause before Brian said, ï¿½Even Gus was the result of a drunken one-time fuck. Much to the grief of his mother.ï¿½

Yeah, Justin could see Brian not falling into the same trap he had. Brian wouldnï¿½t have been that stupid, he had been able to see that marrying just for the sake of a child would eventually lead nowhere. Justin knew that if it hadnï¿½t been Daphne, he wouldnï¿½t have agreed either. And it was their friendship that had kept them together, had helped both of them through every rough patch on their way. 

ï¿½How is she?ï¿½ Justin asked, curious almost against his own will. 

He could rather feel than see Brian giving him a sideway glance. ï¿½Linds?ï¿½ he asked, dragging from his cigarette. He chuckled on a long exhale. ï¿½Blond, blue-eyed, upper class background. Sound familiar?ï¿½

Justin grimaced, not sure he liked being compared to a girl. ï¿½Gus looks like you.ï¿½

ï¿½Yeah. But thereï¿½s a lot of his mother in him. She is married to another dyke. Christ!ï¿½ Brian shook his head, then suddenly grinned. ï¿½Think of it. Two munchers and their first-born wants cock.ï¿½

ï¿½Must be a bummer,ï¿½ Justin agreed, ï¿½First-born?ï¿½

ï¿½The other dyke had one with Michael.ï¿½ 

Michael. Justin remembered the dark-haired kid, with those eyes that followed Brianï¿½s every move as if he were a walking god. At first it had been irritating, later downright annoying. Michael always managed to turn up at the most unfortunate times. Justin remembered one night while heï¿½d been buried deep inside his lover when Michael had knocked at their door, demanding entrance. 

ï¿½How is he?ï¿½ he asked, not really interested. But he knew he needed the conversation going. 

For a moment there was silence. Justin heard Brian light another cigarette and draw deep. ï¿½Married to someone even more boring than his partner before that,ï¿½ Brian said. ï¿½But at least Ben had a nice body.ï¿½ He chuckled at that and Justin wondered if Brian had known this Ben a little more intimately. Not that he expected Brian to fuck around with Michaelï¿½s boyfriend, but there was always before and after. 

Brian snorted. ï¿½The husband, however. Thinking of the two of them actually doing it makes me nauseous every time. Tedï¿½s an accountant. Claims heï¿½s been in love with Michael for about twenty years.ï¿½ He took another drag, ï¿½Which, come to think about it, makes the whole thing even more pathetic. Just the idea of pining for someone for twenty yearsï¿½ï¿½ 

Brianï¿½s voice trailed off, and Justin closed his eyes, wondering if maybe he was just as pathetic as Ted. He hadnï¿½t spent every day of the past twenty years pining away for Brian, but heï¿½d never stopped thinking about the other man either, had never stopped regretting what had happened. ï¿½Pathetic, yeah,ï¿½ he said, wondering if he sounded as lame as he felt. ï¿½And theyï¿½re actually married?ï¿½

Another chuckle, and a snort. ï¿½Yeah, drove up to Canada and all. Even had a ceremony. Debbie cried a fucking river.ï¿½

Justin had no problems picturing that. ï¿½I went to see her a few days ago. She looks well.ï¿½

Silence. Then Brian cleared his throat and when he spoke, Justin could hear the barely veiled emotions. ï¿½She works too fucking hard for her age. She should be somewhere warm and enjoy her life, but no. Not Debbie Novotny. She has to be in the thick of thinks, oh, and, of course, close to wittle Mikey.ï¿½

The blond had to smile. ï¿½You so love her.ï¿½

ï¿½Loveï¿½s bullshit But sheï¿½s okay, I guess. Mikeyï¿½s been lucky to have her, even though he fails to appreciate it from time to time.ï¿½

It made Justinï¿½s heart ache it the worst way to hear Brian speak like that. He thought of the boy Brian had once been, so openly in love, so affectionate with him, Justin, and he wondered how much of this transformation had to be laid at his door. God, he didnï¿½t want to be responsible for Brian becoming an unfeeling bastard. If he was, that is. Justin couldnï¿½t quite believe that Brian really didnï¿½t believe in love anymore. Maybe it was just hidden deep down, where nobody could touch, and nothing could hurt. That, Justin could understand. 

ï¿½And Claire?ï¿½ He didnï¿½t really care what happened to the bitchy young woman heï¿½d met once or twice, but Justin felt if he kept Brian talking, they could maybe take a step into the right direction. 

Brian snorted loudly. ï¿½She has spawned two little devils, her husband, the clever bastard, left her for someone with a dick, so now she hates everyone gay and has already indoctrinated her kids. Joanie should be so proud.ï¿½

ï¿½Holy shit!ï¿½ Justin could hardly believe what he had heard, and he opened his eyes to make sure Brian was really serious. He was.

ï¿½You can say that again, sunshine.ï¿½ Brian stilled after the old endearment had slipped over his lips. As if unnerved by it, he rolled out of the bed and padded into the bathroom. Justin heard him take a piss, then flush the toilet before the shower stall opened and the water started to run. Considering his next move, Justin stared at the ceiling for a moment, before following Brian. 

The long, lean body looked still beautiful at forty. It had filled out quite a bit, the lankiness Justin remembered gone, the muscles defined and showing the work that had been put into them. No doubt, Brian was a regular visitor at the gym, most certainly had his personal trainer, was probably fucking him, too. Justin on the other hand never visited a gym. He could hardly go to the one on Liberty Avenue, and he hated the crude jokes and sexual inuendos at the regular one. So, early on, he had bought all the necessary work-out stuff and installed a training room in his basement.

Gathering all his courage, Justin opened the shower door and stepped inside. He saw Brian stiffen, then relax by sheer will, but the other man didnï¿½t turn, didnï¿½t acknowledge Justinï¿½s presence in any way. 

Justin stared at the wet back for a moment, then reached for the soap and started lathering Brian, while he started talking. ï¿½Molly is fine, by the way. Sheï¿½s married and has three kids. They live in Paris. Her husband is heading some international bank consortium. I think she was glad to finally escape my momï¿½s hovering.ï¿½

Again, Brian didnï¿½t react, but he didnï¿½t push Justin away, either. His back was relaxed under the blondï¿½s hands and Justin used the time to appreciate the solid muscle and flawless skin. Their fucking had been urgent, almost violent and there had been no time to do so before. Not able to resist the temptation, Justin leaned forward and kissed the right shoulder-blade. 

ï¿½Donï¿½t,ï¿½ Brian snapped and whirled around. ï¿½We fucked, but weï¿½re not friends, and the minute youï¿½re out of the door I will forget all about what happened.ï¿½

Twenty years ago, still a stupid boy, Justin would have left in tears, but he was forty now, had two kids of his own and just buried his wife, the best friend on the whole wide world. He wasnï¿½t about to let anyone fuck with his mind. 

Grabbing Brianï¿½s wrists, he held the other manï¿½s gaze, ï¿½Stop this bullshit. Iï¿½m not buying it anyway. You wonï¿½t forget what happened and neither will I. Not one day passed when I didnï¿½t wish to be in your arms. I donï¿½t know if it was the same for you, and thatï¿½s not really important right now. But I want you to know that I will always remember what happened here today, and I wonï¿½t stand here and listen to you dismissing it as something shallow.ï¿½

Brian held his gaze, his eyes not flickering once, ï¿½Tough luck, Justin. But thatï¿½s how it is. Thatï¿½s the way I handle my tricks.ï¿½

ï¿½Iï¿½m not one of your tricks, asshole,ï¿½ Justin snarled, yanking the wrists he was still holding. ï¿½You canï¿½t look at me and tell me Iï¿½m just one of many, because Iï¿½m not. If nothing else, thereï¿½s too much history between us.ï¿½

Again, Brian just looked at him, the only thing visible was the way he pursed his lips, giving his face a thoroughly bored expression. ï¿½Is there now?ï¿½ Unlike his face, his voice didnï¿½t sound bored. It was more like a whip lash raining down on Justin with the water. ï¿½What kind of history would that be? The way you wormed your way into my life and made me believe that there was something out there, something-ï¿½ He stopped abruptly, and the bored expression was gone. Now, Brian was clearly struggling with emotions, he quite obviously tried his best not to show. 

ï¿½What?ï¿½ Justin whispered, afraid to shatter what looked like a rare openness. 

Brianï¿½s forehead turned into a frown, then he shook himself like a wet dog. ï¿½Good,ï¿½ he said finally, his voice barely audible beneath the cascading water. ï¿½You made me believe in something good. And then you yanked it away as if it were worth nothing.ï¿½ Brianï¿½s voice was getting louder with each word now, ï¿½You fucking destroyed me, Justin. YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!ï¿½

ï¿½I know.ï¿½ Justin felt the tears well up in his eyes. ï¿½I know,ï¿½ he whispered. ï¿½I know what I did to you, but I was fucking eighteen and scared and stupid. I made a mistake, okay? Everyone makes them.ï¿½ Now his voice was getting louder, too. ï¿½Iï¿½m sure you made them. Or are you so infallible that you canï¿½t EVER FORGIVE ME?ï¿½

ï¿½Why now?ï¿½ Brian demanded. ï¿½Why now, after twenty fucking years? Because Daphne is dead you can finally have a guilt free fuck with a ghost from the past?ï¿½

ï¿½Yes!ï¿½ Justin shouted, then instantly relented. ï¿½No. Itï¿½s not like that.ï¿½

ï¿½Then what is it like?ï¿½ 

ï¿½Strange as it may sound, but itï¿½s like her death has torn a veil from my eyes, has made me see what a fucking loser I am.ï¿½ God, he really sounded pathetic. 

But to Justinï¿½s surprise, Brian laughed. ï¿½So true,ï¿½ he stated. ï¿½So you had this great epiphany and now you need to atone for your sins? How very Angel-like of you.ï¿½

ï¿½Angel-like?ï¿½ 

ï¿½You know the character from the series? Angel, the vampire?ï¿½

Justin grinned, ï¿½You watched ï¿½Angelï¿½?ï¿½

ï¿½Fuck you,ï¿½ Brian spat, trying once again to yank his arms from Justinï¿½s firm grip. 

ï¿½Iï¿½m sorry,ï¿½ Justin said quickly, wiping the grin off his face. ï¿½That was stupid to say. But you brought it up in the first place. Anyway. Yes, Daphneï¿½s death was the initial impulse.ï¿½

ï¿½Donï¿½t make this about me, buster.ï¿½

Justin blinked, sure, he had to be hallucinating. This was just not happening. ï¿½Would you please stay out of this!ï¿½

ï¿½Stay out of what?ï¿½

Shaking his head in an attempt to clear it, Justin blinked again, focusing on Brian again. ï¿½Not you.ï¿½

ï¿½Thereï¿½s nobody else.ï¿½

The blond rolled his eyes. ï¿½Yeah, thatï¿½s what you think.ï¿½

ï¿½Justin, are you mad? Thereï¿½s you and thereï¿½s me, two naked men in a shower. Not a lot to hide.ï¿½

ï¿½Close your eyes, dammit,ï¿½ Justin hissed and heard a female giggle. He sighed and looked at Brian, ï¿½You probably think Iï¿½ve lost my mind. But I promise, thereï¿½s an explanation for all of this.ï¿½ In a mutter he added, ï¿½Unfortunately not a sane one.ï¿½

ï¿½What?ï¿½

ï¿½Nothing,ï¿½ Justin said quickly. ï¿½What Iï¿½d really like is for us to ï¿½ see each other from time to time, be friends.ï¿½ He wanted a lot more, but he didnï¿½t feel he could ask for it. Not now, anyway.

Brian gave him a funny look. ï¿½I think that possibility left the station a long time ago.ï¿½ Justin quirked a brow and Brian added, ï¿½I donï¿½t fuck my friends.ï¿½

ï¿½Ah.ï¿½ God, that sounded stupid. And maybe he was stupid. Maybe it was completely stupid there was something that could be mended between them. Brian had made it perfectly clear that what they had shared, that passionate, earth-shattering coupling, that had rocked Justinï¿½s world, was nothing but a casual fuck, he shared with others day in day out. Justin was just one of many, nothing special. 

Yes, he really was an idiot. 

Realizing that the water in his eyes wasnï¿½t just coming from his dripping hair, Justin let go of Brian and fled from the shower, grabbing a towel on the way. Drying himself roughly, he struggled into his trousers and yanked his pullover on. He needed to get away from here. God, heï¿½d been so stupid to come in the first place, to think that anything could come out of all this mess. Of course, Brian would never forgive him, would never be able to forget all the hurt. One look at the other man made that clear as day. 

ï¿½Justin.ï¿½

He ignored Brianï¿½s voice, his eyes were swimming in tears and he didnï¿½t want Brian to see that. He wasnï¿½t some weak kid anymore. 

ï¿½Justin.ï¿½

He shook his head, and turned towards the door, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

ï¿½Justin, stop.ï¿½

ï¿½Let go,ï¿½ he managed hoarsely. ï¿½I think Iï¿½ve humiliated myself enough for one day.ï¿½

There was silence and Justin thought Brian would finally let him go, but then the other man spoke again. ï¿½No.ï¿½ 

No? Was Brian dense or something? Justin couldnï¿½t have humiliated himself any more if heï¿½d been dancing in the middle of Times Square ï¿½ naked. But then the word finally registered in his mind. ï¿½What?ï¿½ he whispered, still not able to look at Brian.

ï¿½I said ï¿½noï¿½.ï¿½ Brianï¿½s voice was very soft now, all acid, all sarcasm gone. ï¿½Actually, I think you were very brave to come to me.ï¿½ The hand slipped from Justinï¿½s shoulder and he heard Brian take a deep breath. ï¿½God, you were always so brave. Know what I did when Linds told me she was pregnant?ï¿½ 

Justin finally did turn and found Brian pacing the loft. 

ï¿½I told her if she was looking for marriage she was chasing a dream. And then I did my best to not see my son for years. I needed a very long time until I was able to be a father to Gus, to finally face my responsibility.ï¿½ Brian stopped his pacing and looked at Justin, ï¿½I think youï¿½ve been brave ï¿½ even though I wanted to kill you when you married Daphne.ï¿½

Justin had to laugh. God, Brian had it all wrong. ï¿½I wasnï¿½t brave,ï¿½ he insisted. ï¿½Donï¿½t you see ï¿½ I was a coward. It was so much easier to give in instead of going against all of them.ï¿½ He laughed again, a short, painful sound. ï¿½Just like my mom. Seems the apple really doesnï¿½t fall far from the tree.ï¿½ 

Brian shook his head at that, but didnï¿½t say anything. Instead he walked back to the kitchen, poured himself another drink and downed it in one. Then he turned and faced the blond, a determined look on his face. ï¿½Alright,ï¿½ he said slowly, his eyes intense, and only the slightest tremble in his voice. ï¿½Youï¿½ve got an hour or two? Because thereï¿½s something I need to show you.ï¿½


	14. A Married Man

Of Memories And Pain

ï¿½Gus?ï¿½ 

Jimmy knew he sounded surprised, and he was. He hadnï¿½t expected Gus to show up at their house again so soon. And he wasnï¿½t quite sure what to think of it, either. He felt his heart skip a beat, then make an almost painful thud in his chest.

His heart skipped another beat, and his mouth went dry when he saw Gusï¿½ full lips turn into a smile. ï¿½Hey.ï¿½

Jimmy cleared his throat which felt uncomfortably tight all of a sudden, ï¿½You ï¿½ uh ï¿½ want to see my dad? ï¿½Cause heï¿½s not here right now.ï¿½

Gus shuffled his feet and a frown appeared on his forehead. Jimmy thought he looked incredibly cute, almost like a confused scholar, only a lot more attractive. ï¿½No, actually,ï¿½ Gus said, his eyes finding Jimmyï¿½s, ï¿½I came to see you.ï¿½

ï¿½Oh.ï¿½ And could he sound any more lame? Why did the earth never open up when you needed it to. ï¿½I mean, come on in then.ï¿½

He let Gus pass, and got a whiff of something sweet but spicy. His cock hardened as if on auto-pilot. It was beyond embarrassing, and he felt his cheeks heat. Thank God for small mercies, he was at least wearing sweat pants. 

ï¿½Who is he?ï¿½

Jimmy rolled his eyes and sighed, then turned to Gus who was looking at the devil in disguise standing on the stairs. ï¿½Gus, meet Holly. Holly, this is Gus.ï¿½

Holly gave their visitor a sweet smile. ï¿½Hi. Iï¿½m his sister. Are you gay, too?ï¿½

Once again, Jimmy rolled his eyes but Gus only laughed. ï¿½Hi, Holly.ï¿½

ï¿½Go to your room, Holly. Gus is here to see me,ï¿½ Jimmy said sternly, glaring at his little sister. 

Of course, she didnï¿½t move an inch, spawn of his mother that she was. The glitter in her eyes didnï¿½t bode well either. Obviously it was his night to die of embarrassment. ï¿½Are you going to close the door to Jimmyï¿½s room?ï¿½ Holly asked curiously. 

Jimmy intensified his glare. ï¿½Thatï¿½s none of your business,ï¿½ he hissed, making a shooing motion with his hand. ï¿½Go! Nobody wants you here.ï¿½

She stared at him for a moment, and tears welled up in her eyes. ï¿½You are so mean!ï¿½ she shouted, then ran up the stairs and a moment later they heard a door slam. 

ï¿½Cute,ï¿½ Gus commented drily, grinning. 

Jimmy sighed, ï¿½When I was younger I thought she was a demon. Donï¿½t believe for a moment that those tears are genuine. She knew how to use them before she was potty trained.ï¿½

ï¿½Still, Iï¿½d take her over my little brother any time.ï¿½ 

Jimmy felt his brows go up. ï¿½That bad, huh?ï¿½

ï¿½You have no idea. Weï¿½re not real brothers, you know. We have different fathers and mothers, but our moms are married, soï¿½ï¿½ Gus trailed off, shrugging as if to say, thatï¿½s life. 

Jimmy shrugged, too. ï¿½My parents were married, but they were not really. Kind of, anyway.ï¿½ 

They looked at each other and after a moment burst out laughing. ï¿½You think thatï¿½s why we turned out queer?ï¿½ Gus asked a little later. 

ï¿½Nah,ï¿½ Jimmy still grinned, glad of the easy feeling between them. ï¿½Itï¿½s in the genes. I mean, how could we be anything else. My dadï¿½s gay, and both your parents are.ï¿½

ï¿½Mikeyï¿½s not,ï¿½ Gus said. ï¿½My little brother. Heï¿½s straight. His parents are gay, too. Maybe thatï¿½s the reason he feels a little out of place sometimes. And I have a friend who fucks them all.ï¿½

Jimmy had loved his mother, and even though she was a pain in the ass sometimes, he loved his sister, but ï¿½You mean, like, sticking it into both?ï¿½ He knew he sounded like an idiot, but the idea of doing it with a woman was just too gross to contemplate. 

ï¿½Yup,ï¿½ Gus said matter-of-factly, obviously not disturbed by the idea, but Gus saw something flicker through his eyes that made him wonder about the real relationship between Gus and the two-way fucker.

Reminding himself of the manners his mother had taken so much time to teach him, Jimmy pointed toward the living room. ï¿½Ah ï¿½ you wanna have a drink or something?ï¿½

ï¿½No,ï¿½ Gus replied, his eyes following the direction of Jimmyï¿½s finger. ï¿½Do you have a room of your own?ï¿½

ï¿½Oh, sure.ï¿½ Glad to escape the living room where everything reminded him of his mother, Jimmy turned towards the stairs and led his guest to his room, at the far end of the upper hallway.

He opened the door to a spacious room, painted mostly in beige and a rich blue, with two large windows, and a door that led to a small terrace from where one could overlook the garden, his motherï¿½s pride and joy. According to his father that was as close to a miracle as you could get. Daphne Chambers-Taylor hadnï¿½t been a woman to nurse and nurture. Yes, she had loved her children with a passion, had been there for them whenever needed, but Justin had been the one to change their diapers and warm their milk. 

ï¿½Hey, I like it.ï¿½ Gusï¿½s voice tore Jimmy from thoughts about the mother he had loved and lost and brought him back to the present, which was a hot guy standing in his very own bedroom. No, not just some hot guy, but the guy heï¿½d been fantasizing about for weeks. 

Willing his dick not to follow the train of his thoughts, Jimmy fervently hoped he wasnï¿½t blushing like a stupid teenager. ï¿½You do?ï¿½ he squeaked, cursing himself for sounding like an idiot instead. 

ï¿½Yeah. The color scheme shows a good eye.ï¿½ Then a grin spread across Gusï¿½ handsome features. ï¿½And I love that.ï¿½ 

ï¿½Thanks,ï¿½ Jimmy replied, gesturing at the sketch of a cock on his wall. ï¿½My Dad did it. Before he married mom.ï¿½

To Jimmyï¿½s surprise Gus blushed deep red, ï¿½Geez,ï¿½ was all he muttered.

ï¿½Huh? Whatï¿½s the problem?ï¿½

Gus cleared his throat, ï¿½Itï¿½s probably a good bet to say itï¿½s my fatherï¿½s.ï¿½

ï¿½Oh man,ï¿½ Jimmy muttered, not sure what to say. He hadnï¿½t even thought whose cock it was. But heï¿½d found the sketch one day while rummaging through his old kidï¿½s stuff in the attic. His father had agreed that he could hang it, and so Jimmy had done exactly that, inwardly grinning at the thought of shocking Hollyï¿½s friends. However, at seeing Gus looking everywhere but there, he considered if burning it right here and now was maybe the best course of action.

ï¿½No, itï¿½s cool.ï¿½ Gus didnï¿½t sound cool. He sounded as if heï¿½d swallowed a chainsaw. ï¿½He always said it was a thing of beauty.ï¿½

Jimmy had to laugh. ï¿½He did?ï¿½

Gus laughed, too, but it sounded a little forced. ï¿½Thatï¿½s Brian Kinney for you.ï¿½

ï¿½You know,ï¿½ Jimmy said, desperately trying to change the subject of Brianï¿½s dick on his wall, and, geez, would he never look at the picture the same way again now, and without getting idea of exactly where said cock had been. ï¿½Iï¿½ve always envied you ï¿½ in a way. I mean, my parents were great and all, but being gay and growing up with gay parents must have been totally cool.ï¿½

He didnï¿½t expect for Gus to roll his eyes. ï¿½Please. I was growing up with two munchers. And here I was, growing into puberty and wanting nothing but cock. Yes, they tried to be totally cool about it, but Mel could never understand me, and Linds,ï¿½ he shrugged, ï¿½is Mom.ï¿½ 

ï¿½But there was your dad.ï¿½

ï¿½Oh, yeah.ï¿½ Gus snorted. ï¿½Dad. Sonnyboy,ï¿½ he mimicked his fatherï¿½s voice, ï¿½did someone pop your cherry yet?ï¿½

ï¿½He ï¿½ what?ï¿½ Jimmy burst out, laughing so hard now, he had to hold his stomach. 

ï¿½Yeah, well, try being fourteen and completely embarrassed. It was SO bad. I remember wanting to die on the spot. When I blushed, he offered taking me to Liberty Avenue so I could find the right guy to do it.ï¿½

Still laughing, Jimmy sat down on his bed, ï¿½Geez.ï¿½

ï¿½When mother found out, she almost killed him. Major screaming in the house and all. In the end she threw him out.ï¿½

They looked at each other and both chuckled. ï¿½Sounds like an eventful youth,ï¿½ Jimmy said after a moment, marvelling in the feeling of closeness with the man he desired. After the kiss in the car, heï¿½d been so afraid that Gus would try to put distance between them. That he was here now, was more than just a welcome surprise. 

Keeping his eyes firmly on Gus, he finally found the courage to ask, ï¿½So, why did you want to see me?ï¿½

To his delight, Gus blushed. ï¿½I ï¿½ uh ï¿½ well, I thought that, maybe, we ï¿½ uhm ï¿½ should talk about it.ï¿½

Wondering if they were on the same page, Jimmy raised his brows. ï¿½It?ï¿½

ï¿½The ï¿½ uhm ï¿½ kiss.ï¿½ Gus was beet red by now, and staring out of the window as if he wanted to memorize every branch on the tree standing in front of it. 

So they were on the same page. Fervently wishing he wasnï¿½t making the most colossal mistake of his life, Jimmy slowly got up from the bed and walked over to where Gus was standing, then softly put his hand on the other manï¿½s back. He felt Gus tense, then relax again. ï¿½Gus,ï¿½ he said. 

He saw the other man swallow hard. ï¿½What?ï¿½ he croaked. 

Trembling within, but doing his best not to let it show, Jimmy circled around Gus, so that he was finally standing in front of him. ï¿½Would you like to try it again?ï¿½

At those words, Gusï¿½s eyes snapped up, and focused on him, pupils wide. He licked his lips, which made Jimmyï¿½s eyes flicker downward, then back up. ï¿½I think so,ï¿½ Gus said slowly. 

Jimmy licked his lips, too. ï¿½Well, thenï¿½ï¿½ he let his voice trail off. 

He could feel Gusï¿½s breath as they both closed the distance between them, then he felt those lips, warm and soft, and slightly wet, touching his. 

Nothing more ï¿½ and nothing less.

They parted again, and joining their foreheads they stared into each otherï¿½s eyes, both smiling ever so slightly. The left corner of Gusï¿½ mouth quirked up, ï¿½We can do better than that, donï¿½t you think?ï¿½

They both chuckled. Jimmy couldnï¿½t remember ever feeling more awkward or more happy at the same time. ï¿½I truly hope so.ï¿½

They laughed again, and for the first time, Jimmy permitted himself to run his fingers through Gusï¿½s hair that was soft to the touch, soft like nothing he had ever touched. He closed his eyes, marvelling in that closeness, that intimacy, wondering for a moment if his father had felt the same, all those years ago, with Brian Kinney. 

ï¿½Where are you?ï¿½ Gus whispered and Jimmy opened his eyes. 

ï¿½I thought about our fathers. You think there is a chance for them to be together again?ï¿½

Gus mouth quirked into a half-smile again, ï¿½You donï¿½t think itï¿½s a little ï¿½ I dunno ï¿½ weird? I mean, us doing it and ï¿½ THEM doing it, too?ï¿½

Well, if you put it that way. Then he caught with what Gus had said. Wow. ï¿½You mean ï¿½ weï¿½ll be doing it?ï¿½ He didnï¿½t care that his voice squeaked, that he sounded like a lame idiot. It suddenly didnï¿½t matter anymore.

Gus grin became full. ï¿½Oh, yeah,ï¿½ he said. ï¿½Weï¿½re going to fuck each otherï¿½s brains out.ï¿½ It was the last thing Jimmy remembered, before Gus lips and hands stole all rational thought.

*****

There had been times when Brian had dreamed of sitting in his convertible with Justin Taylor at his side, driving towards the house heï¿½d built for the two of them. In his dream, however, theyï¿½d both been young, carefree and happy. Not that he was old now, but carefree and happy werenï¿½t two adjectives heï¿½d use to describe his current state of mind. It was annoying but he had to admit to himself that he was fucking scared and he was so far from happy it wasnï¿½t even funny anymore. 

ï¿½Where are we going?ï¿½

From the corner of his eye Brian gave the man beside him a quick glance, then focused his attention back on the road. It was safer in a lot of ways. ï¿½Youï¿½ve been asking the same question for the past twenty minutes.ï¿½

ï¿½Yeah. And no answer seems to be forthcoming.ï¿½ Annoyance crept into Justinï¿½s voice and Brian had to keep himself from smiling. Not that he felt like smiling. But hearing that special voice reminded him of times when Justin had used to complain about the lack of food in the morning. 

ï¿½It seems patience is sadly missing from your repertoire.ï¿½

ï¿½Repertoire my ass,ï¿½ Justin snorted, and Brian caught the glare sent his way. ï¿½What kind of stupid shit is this? Where are you taking me?ï¿½

ï¿½Okay, okay,ï¿½ Brian sighed as dramatically as possible. ï¿½We are driving to a house.ï¿½

Justinï¿½s eyes narrowed, and the glare intensified. ï¿½Very cute.ï¿½

ï¿½I think so, too.ï¿½

The exaggerated sigh next to him almost made Brian smile. ï¿½Look, Iï¿½m too old for that kind of shit. A house. What kind of stupid answer is that? What house? Why would you take me there?ï¿½

Brian took a deep breath, praying for a calm and steady voice, for nothing to show how much his insides ripped open each time he thought about missed opportunities, of broken dreams, the fact that his life could have been so different, and probably so much better. 

ï¿½Remember, we used to talk about it. We would build a house, with an attic big enough for a studio, where you could paint all day, and where we could fuck under the moon and the stars shining through the windows.ï¿½ He laughed, trying his best to sound as if he didnï¿½t care, as if it was some kind of stupid joke. He failed miserably. 

ï¿½So?ï¿½ Justin was clearly puzzled. Then, suddenly, he gasped, and Brian saw him grab for the door handle, saw the knuckles on his hands go white. ï¿½Stop,ï¿½ he demanded. ï¿½Stop this car ï¿½ right now. Or I swear Iï¿½m getting out while youï¿½re driving.ï¿½

Brain brought the car to a stop and Justin was out in a flash. Standing at the front, his hands propped on the car, Justin was breathing heavily, his lips slightly parted, his eyes closed, his face scrunched as if in pain. Brian told himself not to care, that Justin had earned all the pain he was maybe feeling now, but he failed. Everything in him wanted to take the blond in his arms, and soothe the hurt away. Yet, he made himself sit still and watch. 

After a moment, however, he couldnï¿½t stand it anymore. ï¿½Fucking stop that nonsense,ï¿½ he said harshly. 

ï¿½Nonsense.ï¿½ The word came out between clenched teeth, as if speaking each syllable hurt. Brian forced himself not to care, not to respond to the pain he could hear clearly. ï¿½While you are talking of nonsense, Iï¿½m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you build our fucking dream house ï¿½ after I went off and married Daphne.ï¿½

Brian shrugged and to his utter amazement realized he was embarrassed. Something he couldnï¿½t remember having been since Gordon Hewitt, Australian God of Liberty Avenue, had popped his cherry more than 25 years ago. 25 years ago ï¿½ even thinking that number made him angry. God. Fucking. Dammit. 

ï¿½Why?ï¿½ 

ï¿½Why ï¿½ what?ï¿½ he snapped, knowing only too well what Justin wanted to know. But he was not getting into that. Not now. Not ever. 

ï¿½Donï¿½t play dumb with me, Brian. Why did you build the house?ï¿½ Justin looked solemn now, calm and controlled, even though Brian could see his pupils were still wide, still dilated with belated shock. 

Brian shrugged again, embarrassment gone. ï¿½Because I could. Because I wanted to.ï¿½ And it was something nobody could take away from him, but he didnï¿½t say that. It was far too private, and Justin had lost his right for Brianï¿½s private thoughts a long time ago. 

For a moment Justin looked as if he wanted to argue the point, but it seemed that he thought better of it, and nodded. ï¿½Alright.ï¿½ He climbed back into the car. ï¿½Show it to me. Show me our dream house.ï¿½

*****

ï¿½Dad? Dad, are you okay?ï¿½

Even as exhausted as he felt, the parent in Justin instantly reacted to the panic in his daughterï¿½s voice and he looked up from where he was crouched on the floor, his back to the front door of his house. He extended his hand and held it out for Holly to take. 

ï¿½No, Iï¿½m okay, honey.ï¿½

Her touch was clammy, but warm, and intensely soothing. ï¿½Are you sick?ï¿½ she wanted to know, her eyes huge. 

ï¿½No.ï¿½ Justin shook his head and managed a smile. ï¿½Just tired. It was a long day. I met someone I knew a long time ago.ï¿½

Holly sat down beside him, and Justin wondered how many fathers were having talks with their teenage daughters leaning against their front door. Probably nobody but him, but that was okay because he was way too exhausted to move. 

ï¿½Who was it?ï¿½

ï¿½His name is Brian. He and I ï¿½ well, we used to be friends.ï¿½ Friends. What a shallow word for what they once had been. 

ï¿½Is it the same Brian whose dick is on Jimmyï¿½s wall?ï¿½

Feeling your jaw hit the floor was so undignified, but for the life of him Justin could do nothing to prevent it. ï¿½His ï¿½ dick?ï¿½ he choked and wondered if being the father of a teenage daughter would be the death of him one day. ï¿½What do you know about his dick?ï¿½

Holly shrugged, trying for nonchalance, but if her red ears were any indication she was failing spectacularly. ï¿½Gus and Jimmy were talking about it?ï¿½

Justin lifted his brows. ï¿½And how do you know about that?ï¿½ Silently he congratulated himself that his voice was sounding normal again.

Holly shrugged again, studying her fingernails. They were black. She had discovered black a while ago, ever since developing a crush on Spike, character of a TV show, and it seemed it was still in favor. ï¿½Jimmyï¿½s door was open. And anyway,ï¿½ her head came up, her chin set in a defiant angle that reminded so much of Daphne, it made Justinï¿½s gut clench, ï¿½Iï¿½m not a little kid anymore.ï¿½

Justin smiled, squeezing her hand. ï¿½No, you are not. In fact, youï¿½re almost a woman. Sometimes it scares me a little that youï¿½re growing up so fast.ï¿½

Again, she looked at him, all defiance gone, replaced by a tenderness she rarely showed these days. ï¿½Donï¿½t be scared, Dad. Iï¿½ll be okay.ï¿½

He had to laugh. ï¿½Yes, I know. But parents canï¿½t help themselves. They always worry.ï¿½

ï¿½I guess,ï¿½ she admitted. Then, after a moment of consideration, she asked. ï¿½Were Brian and you lovers?ï¿½

This time Justin managed to hold his jaw firmly in place, even though the downward pull was strong. ï¿½Yes,ï¿½ he replied. ï¿½Yes, a long time ago. I ï¿½ loved him very much. And I hurt him even more.ï¿½

Going over a bed of nails couldnï¿½t be more painful than watching Brian go through an empty house, with an empty expression and a bleak voice. He had learned to hide his pain well, after all, heï¿½d practiced long and hard, but that empty house had been so full of pain and lost hope, it had drained Justin of all energy. He had barely managed to drive home, and after closing the door behind him, heï¿½d sunk to the floor and had not found the energy to pick himself up again.

ï¿½You left him because Mom was pregnant, right?ï¿½

No downward pull this time, but maybe he was getting used to the feeling of being pole axed by his daughter. It seemed she was growing up a lot faster than heï¿½d ever thought possible. Maybe losing your mother to cancer did that to children. 

ï¿½Yes.ï¿½ There was no way he could lie to this child who seemed to know him so well. ï¿½Yes. Because I loved your mom, she was my best friend, and I felt responsible. And because it was a lot easier than going against everyone and everything. Everyone told me that Brian was just using me. I knew it wasnï¿½t true, but I convinced myself that it would never last. That I would come to regret it one day.ï¿½

ï¿½How old were you?ï¿½

ï¿½Eighteen.ï¿½

ï¿½Thatï¿½s not very old.ï¿½ 

ï¿½No.ï¿½ No, it wasnï¿½t old. But old enough to destroy the life of another person. Yes, Brian might have been able to function, even to live, but going through that house, seeing the rooms, and the shattered dreams, Justin knew he was responsible. Brian was right. Justin had given him hope, had made him believe, only to viciously shove him back into desolation. Another person might have been able to recover, but not Brian. Not someone who had grown up without hope. Not someone who had dared to hope only to have that hope stomped into the ground. 

ï¿½Why does Grandfather hate it so much that you and Jimmy are gay?ï¿½

Obviously, it was Hollyï¿½s night for deep conversation. ï¿½I donï¿½t know, honey. I tried to understand it for so long, but now,ï¿½ he shrugged, feeling helpless in a way he hated. 

ï¿½Why is it so important to him? I mean, you are still my dad. And Jimmy is still my brother.ï¿½

Justin couldnï¿½t help himself, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. Hollyï¿½s face grew hot again, and he saw her giving a small, embarrassed smile. ï¿½Dad,ï¿½ she complained out of principle, but she didnï¿½t really mean it. 

ï¿½I love you, Holly Taylor.ï¿½

She grinned at that and leaned her head against his shoulder. ï¿½I kind of like you, too.ï¿½

Justin wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, loving the closeness, the warmth, and the love he felt between them. Had he and his father ever sat like that? He couldnï¿½t remember. And really, it didnï¿½t matter anymore.


End file.
